I'm fickle. If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that. Not fickle about friends or relationships, or anything too major like that. But fickle when it comes to almost everything else. Seriously, it's my most annoying trait. My/our timeline, the end goal, the route we take, where I want to live, what I want to do as a full-time career, and most definitely about my clothing. Mike and I made it a priority to spend a decent chunk of time on our honeymoon just brainstorming and talking about where we wanted to take our little family in the future. Be it where we wantto settle down, what kind of house we hope to buy, how we intend on getting there, etc. It's been absolutely no secret that I've been the reason we move at the end of every lease. The 10-month itch starts and I'm like "let's go!" If you were to have asked me exactly what type of house/home environment I saw our family in just 6 months ago, I'd have told you exactly the one we are in. A small cottage, a small but quaint backyard, and basically right in the city. Now? Not so much. I feel like my (and dare I say our) priorities have shifted so much since having Toby full time (8 months already... what?!) and I feel like the shift really started to set in when we were on the brink of getting married. Maybe it's just because I'm a goal-oriented person and I like to set milestones, but I feel like getting married was like the very first page in a brand new book. Same characters from the last one, but a fresh beginning. Basically all I can think about is a big (moderately big at least) backyard, a house in a more rural setting, and maybe a barn or some sort of studio shed on the property. Something big enough for Toby (and hopefully future kidlets) to run around in and keep the dogs busy. Lately I've spent more time daydreaming about my home studio than I have about the interior of a storefront. (Which, in case you didn't know, is the one thing that my brain tends to obsess over...)
And even though I'm going to choke on my own scoffing, a brick and mortar storefront just doesn't seem to be the one thing at the very tip top of my priorities anymore, and by anymore I mean "right now". Don't get me wrong -- it's still WAY up there, and I still plan on working diligently on making it happen. It's definitely a dream of mine and I hope I don't outgrow it before it comes to fruition, but it's also not my driving force. I'm not sure that even makes any sense. Just admitting it is so scary. Like maybe I don't really mean it? But maybe I do? I'm not sure. I think more than anything I'm just finally becoming okay with the fact that it's not going to happen right this second, or even in the next year. Though it was certainly a huge (and lofty) goal of mine on my 24 before 25 list, my priorities have shifted to saving as much money as we can so we can find our dream home, wherever that may be. And also allowing ample time and energy to craft and explore every possible medium of creativity. If that means renting for several more years, so be it. I feel like I'm putting such a timestamp on everything and that's tough. Toby will be starting kindergarten in just under 2 years, and by then I'd really like to feel more "planted". In order to do that we have to save, save, save. I don't want to even entertain the thought of moving him from school to school while we rent and get the moving itch. A lot of our honeymoon talk time was spent talking about this.
We have so much we hope to put into motion in the next few months. Be it related to this blog (you'll notice some subtle changes soon), our other businesses, our home life, whatever... we're ready to switch things up a bit. We're trying to find out what makes us the most efficient family we can be. We want Toby to get into sports if he'd like, or maybe put him in some music lessons if he's into it. Our daily schedules are going to get whipped into shape and things will have to be moved around. Our priorities now are a complete 180 from what they were this time last year.
Sometimes I'm scared that I'm getting too old to change my mind on what I want to do. I know that's the most assinine thing to say, especially since I'm only 24. But it's true. I've had such a clear cut vision on what it is that I want to do with my life (and I still do), but I also want to do a lot more. I don't want to just own a shop. I want to create things with my hands, with a computer. I want to collaborate with people and try my hand at a million different things. It's not exactly the best business model, I know, but why can't I just form a new kind of model? (Rhetorical. The fact is that I know I can... it's just a bit scary). It's the age-old idiom of having my finger in too many pies, but realizing that I have ten fingers and ten pies sound tasty. I'm not even making any sense at this point.
This post really wasn't meant to be much more than a brain dump. I've had all of this so heavy on my mind the past few weeks/months, and I really hope we can move forward with our intentions. It's a scary situation to be in when you start feeling like you have to regress a step or two in order to catapult forward in the long run. Does that even make any sense? We're putting a few things on hold so we can really stretch the legs on other projects... and I'm hoping for the best. Readdressing and revaluating goals is something I'm trying to do more of. No sense in barking up the wrong tree, right? There's no shame in changing the direction. I just need to remember that. Any maybe even that is a little harsh. Rather than changing the entire direction, we're just switching up and taking the scenic route. Same end destination, but new journey.
Not only am I fickle, but I also overthink everything. I feel like I should employ someone to just constantly remind me that it's okay to just go with the flow. I mean, I guess I kind of do... my husband. (what what?!) Anyone else ever felt this way? How do you deal? Also - am I crazy? Or is this normal?
PS; Every time I say my "husband" I'll probably reference it in a similar fashion to "what what?!" or "omg srsly". It's still so fresh and new and weird. And awesome. I'm relishing in it, okay?!
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Honest To Blog is a sporadic free-writing feature where I share whatever is on my mind. No edits, no filters. Just unapologetic, sometimes offensive, always truthful thought. Click HERE to read all of the past posts in this feature (and please don't hold them against me! :P)