Honest To Blog: Change Of Direction

I'm fickle. If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that. Not fickle about friends or relationships, or anything too major like that. But fickle when it comes to almost everything else. Seriously, it's my most annoying trait. My/our timeline, the end goal, the route we take, where I want to live, what I want to do as a full-time career, and most definitely about my clothing. Mike and I made it a priority to spend a decent chunk of time on our honeymoon just brainstorming and talking about where we wanted to take our little family in the future. Be it where we wantto settle down, what kind of house we hope to buy, how we intend on getting there, etc. It's been absolutely no secret that I've been the reason we move at the end of every lease. The 10-month itch starts and I'm like "let's go!" If you were to have asked me exactly what type of house/home environment I saw our family in just 6 months ago, I'd have told you exactly the one we are in. A small cottage, a small but quaint backyard, and basically right in the city. Now? Not so much. I feel like my (and dare I say our) priorities have shifted so much since having Toby full time (8 months already... what?!) and I feel like the shift really started to set in when we were on the brink of getting married. Maybe it's just because I'm a goal-oriented person and I like to set milestones, but I feel like getting married was like the very first page in a brand new book. Same characters from the last one, but a fresh beginning. Basically all I can think about is a big (moderately big at least) backyard, a house in a more rural setting, and maybe a barn or some sort of studio shed on the property. Something big enough for Toby (and hopefully future kidlets) to run around in and keep the dogs busy. Lately I've spent more time daydreaming about my home studio than I have about the interior of a storefront. (Which, in case you didn't know, is the one thing that my brain tends to obsess over...)


And even though I'm going to choke on my own scoffing, a brick and mortar storefront just doesn't seem to be the one thing at the very tip top of my priorities anymore, and by anymore I mean "right now". Don't get me wrong -- it's still WAY up there, and I still plan on working diligently on making it happen. It's definitely a dream of mine and I hope I don't outgrow it before it comes to fruition, but it's also not my driving force. I'm not sure that even makes any sense. Just admitting it is so scary. Like maybe I don't really mean it? But maybe I do? I'm not sure. I think more than anything I'm just finally becoming okay with the fact that it's not going to happen right this second, or even in the next year. Though it was certainly a huge (and lofty) goal of mine on my 24 before 25 list, my priorities have shifted to saving as much money as we can so we can find our dream home, wherever that may be. And also allowing ample time and energy to craft and explore every possible medium of creativity. If that means renting for several more years, so be it. I feel like I'm putting such a timestamp on everything and that's tough. Toby will be starting kindergarten in just under 2 years, and by then I'd really like to feel more "planted". In order to do that we have to save, save, save. I don't want to even entertain the thought of moving him from school to school while we rent and get the moving itch. A lot of our honeymoon talk time was spent talking about this. 

We have so much we hope to put into motion in the next few months. Be it related to this blog (you'll notice some subtle changes soon), our other businesses, our home life, whatever... we're ready to switch things up a bit. We're trying to find out what makes us the most efficient family we can be. We want Toby to get into sports if he'd like, or maybe put him in some music lessons if he's into it. Our daily schedules are going to get whipped into shape and things will have to be moved around. Our priorities now are a complete 180 from what they were this time last year. 

Sometimes I'm scared that I'm getting too old to change my mind on what I want to do. I know that's the most assinine thing to say, especially since I'm only 24. But it's true. I've had such a clear cut vision on what it is that I want to do with my life (and I still do), but I also want to do a lot more. I don't want to just own a shop. I want to create things with my hands, with a computer. I want to collaborate with people and try my hand at a million different things. It's not exactly the best business model, I know, but why can't I just form a new kind of model? (Rhetorical. The fact is that I know I can... it's just a bit scary). It's the age-old idiom of having my finger in too many pies, but realizing that I have ten fingers and ten pies sound tasty. I'm not even making any sense at this point.

This post really wasn't meant to be much more than a brain dump. I've had all of this so heavy on my mind the past few weeks/months, and I really hope we can move forward with our intentions. It's a scary situation to be in when you start feeling like you have to regress a step or two in order to catapult forward in the long run. Does that even make any sense? We're putting a few things on hold so we can really stretch the legs on other projects... and I'm hoping for the best. Readdressing and revaluating goals is something I'm trying to do more of. No sense in barking up the wrong tree, right? There's no shame in changing the direction. I just need to remember that. Any maybe even that is a little harsh. Rather than changing the entire direction, we're just switching up and taking the scenic route. Same end destination, but new journey.

Not only am I fickle, but I also overthink everything. I feel like I should employ someone to just constantly remind me that it's okay to just go with the flow. I mean, I guess I kind of do... my husband. (what what?!) Anyone else ever felt this way? How do you deal? Also - am I crazy? Or is this normal?

PS; Every time I say my "husband" I'll probably reference it in a similar fashion to "what what?!" or "omg srsly". It's still so fresh and new and weird. And awesome. I'm relishing in it, okay?!


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Honest To Blog is a sporadic free-writing feature where I share whatever is on my mind. No edits, no filters. Just unapologetic, sometimes offensive, always truthful thought. Click HERE to read all of the past posts in this feature (and please don't hold them against me! :P)

50 comments:

  1. it is really exciting to call him your husband for the first few months. actually, my husband still calls me his girlfriend from time to time and i'm all like 'i'm not even answering that'.

    you definitely aren't the only one - and at least you aren't fickle where it counts - if you have good steady relationships, you're fine in my opinion

    <3 katherine

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  2. I am the exact same way. I developed a very distinct picture of my life, and within a few short months things changed. I discovered new interests that I became very passionate about very quickly. I think this is the best part of life though - the ebb and flow. It goes against my nature, but in the best way possible.

    A change in priorities doesn't make you any less genuine of driven. Honoring your evaluation of your priorities is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family.

    All the best to you and your new life! <3

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  3. This is very well thought through for a brain dump! These are really big decisions, and you seem to be thinking them through really well.
    I can be fickle, but worse than that, I can be impatient too, and find it hard to compromise. Means lots of conversations are needed anytime there's a decision looming on the horizon.

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  4. Haha, I'm fickle with a lot of things too, I don't even have a favourite colour. It's really difficult to decide what you want to do and stick to it. There have been so many times when I feel like doing something completely different, but it usually doesn't last very long. Good luck with all that :)

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  5. This makes total sense to me, Kaehla. Being fickle in certain ways isn't a bad thing, I'd say. You seem to be settled on the most important things in life so why not being a bit fickle with others. Plus it seems to work perfectly for you.
    Can't wait to see what changes there will be around here. I am sure they will be awesome.
    And it sure is unbelievable that Toby lives with you and Mike for 8 month already. It's like it was yesterday when you wrote about it. By the way, he is the coolest little dude on this planet.

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  6. I love this post. There is nothing wrong with changing things up a bit, especially when you are in your twenties. Heck, I am 36 and am JUST figuring out what I want to do with my life. Enjoy the ride, and the radness of being a newlywed :)

    Adrienne
    What Lola Wants

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  7. Hi Kaelah, I've been reading your blog for a few months and love it. I think that you do a great job being honest about your life and connecting with people. RE today's post: I say go after whatever your heart desires, as many times as you want to, to make your life what you want it to be! If your ideals change, then change with them. You're young and talented and there's no reason you shouldn't have *everything* you want out of life! I am fickle too and when I decided that a "typical" life wasn't for me, and to throw out everyone else's definition of normal/typical, I was able to live the way I wanted to with less guilt. So yeah, I have spent my entire young adulthood moving around and changing career directions and getting a lot of grief for it. Whatever, I'm over everyone's judgement at this point. lol. P.S. I remember putting a resume together several years ago and someone made the snide comment "with all these jobs on here you look really flighty." I was a bit embarrassed but sucked it up and said "really? Because I think it makes me look interesting." lol. At least own it right? :)

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  8. Makes total sense to me! I think Rob and I are like this too. Most people we went to high school with are fine living the exact same life they did as kids and in the exact same location, except now with their own spouse/kids...and that's FINE if it works for them. But Rob and I aren't ready to settle in one place just yet or have just one set of experiences, and that's fine too. Whatever works for you, as long as you, Mike, and Toby are all happy! <3

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  9. Our whole lives, and priorities, evolved when we had children. I don't like to say changed, but they did evolve. We went from parents to one child to pursuing adoption for a couple more. I went from city dweller to country mouse and now I want even more rural. What about finding a property with a barn and doing quarterly barn sales that people can really look forward to? There are a few around here I wait all year for. There is always a way to combine both!

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  10. Well, considering that I am 28 and still not done with school because I constantly find other things I want to do....and I still can't finance myself 100% of the time because of this (you can not believe how I hate this about myself)....I know exactly what you mean!!!! And the overthinking? I've literally crowled in to bed crying and hiding because i always feel like I'm ruining my life because of the choices that I make (even the small choices.

    Honestly girl, the fact that you, at your age, can care for an antire family and you have a degree....You've accomplished so much in your life already. You can be so proud of what you have accomplished in your life already......just don't worry about it (I know, so easy to say Ha!)

    You will be able to do it all in the end...your life is far from over...just take your time :)

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    1. I'm gonna have to agree with this comment. The only difference is,I'm not in school.

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  11. I am so fickle too! And I definitely dream about moving at the one year mark (after living in places I dreamed about). Can I just say I think it's so awesome that adorable Toby is one of your top priorities?! I know some might be filled with resentment, or some other nasty feelings but you're so filled with love it's incredible! Your honesty and love have always been inspiring to me as I've read your blog regularly for the last 6 months, and even if it changes, I've got to thank you for that. And I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for the template store :)

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  12. Honey, you are allowed to change your mind as often as you like. I think it is very healthy to do so. You evolve as a person and your priorities change as well. I do feel what you are saying about how as you get older you feel that changing your mind becomes harder. And in a way it does. Mostly, it's because we now have bigger commitments. House for me, husband and son for you. I can't just pick up and move to Portland like I could a few years ago. (Although, I wouldn't mind staying in Hipster Paradise for a bit). But you can change your mind about what is flexible in your life. And you should :)

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  13. You sound just like me at your age (wow, I sound old but I am only 30). I had a very specific plan, but then life happened. I had to move back to my hometown to help with some family issues which derailed everything. At 27 I went through a bout of depression because that was my goal year to be in a certain position in life and I was SOOOO far from it. My "path" has changed three times now and I am much more accepting of that at age 30 than I was in my 20s. Life is about enjoying the journey even if it takes you to unexpected places.

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  14. Oh yes. I am so fickle. Right now I'm flitting between being CERTAIN I want to buy a proper house and settle down, and CERTAIN I want to move to a different city and have a whole new adventure; I'm swithering between wanting a casual, cool, freelance job or a serious but well paid creative career. I wish I could just *decide*, but I quite like kind of waiting to see what happens, too.

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  15. You read my mind, and made the thoughts going on in my head into a much more eloquent post than I would be able to! I am 24 as well and have those SAME thoughts constantly running in my head. My boyfriend is 30 and he doesn't seem to understand why I'm constantly so concerned about "how will this choice change what happens five years from now." He has to remind me as well to take life as it comes and make the most of it. But at the same time I've learned that I shouldn't just sit back on my laurels and wait for life to hit me, carpe diem!
    I was hospitalized for a blood clot in my lung this summer and it was kind of a reality check for us, we're not immortal and we're not going to be young and free forever! We have made some huge steps in our lives (I've started a new job and started working on my Master's degree and he is going to try the whole going to college thing over again) and for the first time in the very long time that we have been together it feels like we have our stuff together! Yay you for not taking a serious medical emergency to wake you up ;-) I think our generation is different than past generations as some of us don't feel like settling down to one job with five kids at home by the age of 25... and that's why we're awesome!

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  16. I've been in such a similar headspace lately. For me, it was so much about expectations; those of others and those of myself. I've sort of realized that I need to give myself permission to let go. My priorities and direction is probably going to change many more times over the years and I have to allow myself the chance to explore new things and new happinesses without getting caught up in what I think I'm missing out on. Thanks for sharing :)

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  17. I am just like that. I have always been surrounded by people telling me that i coudn't be so fickle, that I had to make my mind up, decide what I wanted and stick to it.
    The years have gone past and I am as fickle as i used to be. But now I know that i am the way I am because i want it all and I am slowly proofing myself (and others) that if you work hard, ALL dreams do come true.
    Thanks for this post. x

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  18. I feel those same feelings too! At least you have some idea of what you want to do as a career...that's a plus! I'm 23 with a bachelors degree and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. I freak out about this all the time but I know it will all work out. It will work out for you too! Being fickle is not such a bad thing :)

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  19. You're never too old to be who you want to be.

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  20. Kaelah, it's like you were reading my mind, I SO OFTEN find myself having the same inner battle between my sudden desires to become more settled (which is at odds with my desire to move around often and be in new places,) and a constantly shifting goal list for life. I think the real key it to understand that it's okay to have shifting goals (and many of them,) and to realized that changing direction isn't eliminating possibilities for the future. I'm so eager to see what you have in store for your little family!

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  21. I honestly didn't know did Honest to Blog posts and I read your blog all the time. Or maybe I did and this post just spoke to me. You really described how I've been feeling lately. I turned 25 in July and really went through a pretty bad semi-life crisis/really bad anxiety attack where I started assessing my life and what direction I was going. It really was refreshing to go through it as I realize now where my priorities lie. I think we all go through this as life throws things our way. I'm excited to see what direction you and your blog go in.

    PS: Congrats on your wedding. I've bee married a little over a year and I still LOVE saying "my husband."

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  22. kaelah— i seriously chuckled out loud when you said "realizing that I have ten fingers and ten pies sound tasty" !!

    i know how you feel though! i'm always itching to move— i've never lived in one place for morre than 12 months. it's always really hard comparing the life you have to the life you see for yourself. some people might try to say "live in the now!" but it's not always that simple! sometimes i REALLY love to look at where i was a year ago and see how much i've accomplished since then. it makes me inspired and confident that i can continue to get to where i want to be a year from now.

    you are super driven and amazing— you deserve to get whatever your fickle heart desires!

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    1. Hahaha, I laughed out loud at the fingers and pies part too.

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  23. Nope, you're definitely not alone on this one! As Baz Luhrmann said:

    Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people
    I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

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  24. omg! i am 52 have been in the same house for 22 years! i still love calling my husband that and we have been married for 31 years! plans come and come go things change sometimes you do stuff other times you find you didn't really do to them. RELAX!!!! enjoy the wonderful ride of your life!!!!

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  25. My life goals change on an hourly basis. I think that happens with everyone, and if it doesn't, well... isn't that kind of boring?

    Oh, and it's been about a year and a half and I still call my husband my boyfriend. It's gonna take a while.

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  26. I am completely the same way. And honestly, it just sounds like you're going through a quarter-life crisis, which EVERYONE does and its COMPLETELY normal. Just promise to not stop writing.. like ever. You inspire too many people.

    I'm so happy for you and your HUSBAND (!) and your little family and I hope you don't stress yourself too much. You deserve all the happiness in the world. :)

    xo Ashley

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  27. This post basically sounded like a typical day in my brain haha so good to hear that Wes and I aren't the only ones who have these talks/fears/fickleness :)

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  28. This post basically sounded like a typical day in my brain haha so good to hear that Wes and I aren't the only ones who have these talks/fears/fickleness :)

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  29. I put a time stamp on every little thing and then I stress over it! I try to remind myself to just live and enjoy what is happening now, rather than thinking about..."I am 31 and don't have a child yet. Should I?" or "My business isn't growing fast enough." I think it's great to have goals and work hard to achieve them, but some things will just happen when they are meant to happen :).

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  30. I can definitely relate to this. I'll be 25 next month, and after finally getting my BA and moving to the Netherlands to be with my boyfriend and to teach English, I feel like all I want to do is work out of the house and try to make a go at blogging and crafting. Maybe finish my novel? Maybe start a cafe? Maybe this, maybe that, etc. Then I think about wanting kids in the next few years and I panic and go do something else, haha. Basically, I think it's normal (?) or at least, I can definitely tell you that you're NOT the only one. I've been following your blog for a little while now, and can tell that you go out and get what you want, and you're good at a lot. Things always fall into place for people like that :)Just remember to breathe ;)

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  31. I think we're in that 21-25 freak out stage, I do it too.

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  32. I think sometimes we feel like we have to set a path and stay on it. Things change, and that's ok. If we didn't change, that would mean we're not growing as a person. Don't worry, you're perfectly normal.

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  33. "Sometimes I'm scared that I'm getting too old to change my mind on what I want to do"

    Story of my life! I often find myself getting the urge to switch things up, but I've never looked into it in too much detail. Be it my hair, my living space, or even the actual abode I'm in, I'm always desperate to start the next goal. I think it's simple a side-effect of having a creative mind :)

    I also really agree with The Quiet Owl - It's important to change, and evolve. It would be more worrying if the world spun on around you and you went on, unaffected or modified!

    Alli xx

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  34. I bet it feels great to get all that out! I think it's so normal to suddenly realise you have some different goals in life, or that it has taken a different path. I sometimes feel like I change my mind about certain things constantly. It annoys me and I think "Why can't I be solid in my opinions or thoughts about some things in my life?" but then I have to remind myself we are all human, and there are so many ever changing variables. :) :)

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  35. I think we are in the same exact boat, well maybe a bit different. haha!
    I find myself worrying about how I will get to the next level with other things that I want do do, and all require some kind of education. I also find myself worrying about my family. The think my want to do creative work is a waste of time if it isn't working for some institution. *womp womppp*

    But people forget that OUR dreams are not THEIR dreams. "Do what thou wilt is the whole of the law", as long as you are not hurting others.

    It's not easy knowing that you may have to step back to go forward, but at the same time, we are young and life is waiting for us to dive in and make these journeys. So Dive. Life is an something we are meant to experience, so grab your goals, grab your little family, and reach for the stars, because life is doing what you want and love to do.

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  36. I think we are in the same exact boat, well maybe a bit different. haha!
    I find myself worrying about how I will get to the next level with other things that I want do do, and all require some kind of education. I also find myself worrying about my family. The think my want to do creative work is a waste of time if it isn't working for some institution. *womp womppp*

    But people forget that OUR dreams are not THEIR dreams. "Do what thou wilt is the whole of the law", as long as you are not hurting others.

    It's not easy knowing that you may have to step back to go forward, but at the same time, we are young and life is waiting for us to dive in and make these journeys. So Dive. Life is an something we are meant to experience, so grab your goals, grab your little family, and reach for the stars, because life is doing what you want and love to do.

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  37. Things will fall into place and I'm sure you guys will be able to sort things out and make everything work. I can only hope all your dreams come true darling. Big hug and kiss. xx

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  38. i can relate to this, so much! i'm very, very fickle. i over-think EVERYTHING. really, even the smallest, most meaningless stuff. it even got to a point that i was over-thinking so much, i was to scared to even do stuff, afraid that the outcome wouldn't be exactly like i'd imagined/planned and i'd have major freak-outs. it drives me crazy! sometimes i just want to shut my brain off, stop thinking, have some peace and quiet in there. especially because i'm just setting myself up for failure. even with 'what do i want to do for the rest of my life' plans: it never works out the way i plan things, and that used to devastate me. i always wanted to have everything planned out, know what i'll be doing in five years and stick to my plan, but i guess life doesn't work like that. so i decided to just let things go. see what happens. i have things planned out for the next year or two, and who knows what will happen after that? i still have my bad days, but the most important thing is live right now. i can imagine having a family to support puts extra pressure on it, but don't worry to much -- it definitely looks like you guys are doing great! try to enjoy it as it comes, and everything will fall in its place!
    xo, cheyenne

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  39. I really liked this post and the "honest to..." format:) thanks for sharing

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  40. oh and good luck with all your goals:)

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  41. To experiment and creation! :)

    sounds like awesome goals and like you are pushing forward. Your dream so big you cant see it yet!


    congrats on being a wife!
    Barnicles

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  42. I completely understand what you're going through. My story is a little different but the general underlying issue is the same. I've moved every year since 2003, when I graduated from high school. I got married in 2008 but he's been a great partner and crime and always very supportive of my fickle flights of fancy. I found out I was pregnant last May and whoa, now everything is changing in the sense that things are going to start being the same! Stability was never a part of my plan but now I have to put her first- whoa. We moved to Tennessee last July and I haven't been able to put any of my thoughts together. I have 4 years to move us back to CA or get ready to stay in TN for a very, very long time. I don't even know what I want anymore but there go the plans, ya know? (BTW- thank you for the moving tips- I had emailed you at some point). Anyways, I feel like our personality types have a hard time not planning out every moment but I think setting some basic goals and then just seeing what happens are all we can really do at this point, right? Focus on what's right in front of you- the moment you're in- and not where you're going next. As a perfectionist overachiever I feel like I'm not doing everything to control my fate but in the end I end up having very little control anyways. Let me know if you figure it out & congratulations on your marriage- I LOVE being married to my husband- it's such a freaking joy and your man sounds like he'll be supportive and trusts you no matter what you choose. That is already a huge step in life. <3 I look forward to reading more! It's so funny how much us creative types have in common- I read posts like this very often from crafty, lovely ladies' blogs all of the time! We're not alone! XO

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  43. omg! I totally agree- I'll be 26 in a month and I feel like I'm having a "quarter-life-crisis" and this is the first time I have ever been without a plan. Its driving me crazy, I'm not a "go with the flow" kinda gal. But my friends try to keep me on course with not driving myself crazy by over analyzing. I think sometimes we all need a moment to take the scenic route as aptly you called it. I've been in the Interior Design industry for almost 8 years now and I'm not even sure its what I want anymore.

    Thanks for writing this- all of it made complete sense to me and definitely spoke to me :)

    Congrats on the husband (omg srsly!) and on being a wife.
    It will all come together for you and your family.

    <3 xxx
    AshleyRae

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  44. Hahahaha you sound exactly like me! I change my mind constantly and I can honestly say thats a good thing!! I mean good on those who decide and stick to something but the world needs people who change their minds and I loved reading your honesty about it!!

    Love your style and your blog ~ Donna x

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  45. Oh Kaelah, I love this post and can relate to absolutely EVERYTHING you said! I think you and I have such a lot in common. Honestly, often the things you blog about could have come straight out of my own head! I too am fickle and future orientated. I also overthink absolutely everything and get the 10 month itch every single time we move! I don't really have any answers as I'm pretty much in the exact same boat as you (though without a kidlet to consider) but I comfort myself with the knowlege that this is what our 20s are for. Figuring out what we want and how to get there, making plans, changing our minds... I'm pretty sure at this stage in our lives all that is very normal! One way or another we'll figure it all out and as long as we keep dreaming big and working hard, we'll create beautiful lives for ourselves and our little families. Of that I am sure :)

    Katie xx

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  46. i definitely understand what you're feeling, my wants change so much, whether it be from my style preferences to where i want to settle down or what i want to do for a career. i drive my boyfriend mad sometimes, and the bad thing about my brain is that i keep everything inside and decide to make changes on my own, but don't consult anyone else. which is a veerryy bad thing. :p

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  47. I feel you! Don't worry, you're definitely not alone.

    I've been rethinking my dream to open a brick and mortar store, too. I just don't know if I want that kind of business. I want to work for myself, and I want my business to have something to do with sex/intimacy-positivity, but lately I've been considering life coaching or dating coaching. It's scary to think about new things you might want to do that aren't on the typical career path!

    Come December, I'll have a BA in Economics, and no interest in working at a bank, going to grad school, or getting into finance. Oops!

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  48. I am turning 37 this year and I still haven't got a clue of what I want in life sometimes lol. I am a single mom with a 5 yo daughter :) I was married before. Certain events that happened in the past threw me off track (of life). I am still trying to figure my life out. At 37 lol.
    I change my mind a lot too :)
    You are still young. Your plans are yours. Keep and change as much as you desire :)

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HEY! Thanks for dropping by. xo KB