I've been wanting to write specifically about my pregnancy for a while now, but despite sitting on top of a handful of half-finished posts, I just haven't done it yet. To be honest it still feels so surreal. I haven't felt Baby Flynn kick yet, though I'm sure that'll bring ~*ALL THE FEELZ. Right now the only obvious sign of this bun in the oven is my ever-growing midsection (plus insatiable appetite and chronic fatigue!) I'm at 18.5 weeks now... almost halfway there, yet it feels like it hasn't even started yet.
I've spent a lot of time daydreaming about being pregnant. What if wear and how I'd look. Wondering if I'd read or sing to the baby. Actually being pregnant has been a new experience in and of itself. Those "preparation" books don't tell you about feeling totally awkward the entire time! Is that just me?! I mean, I know there's a baby in there and all, but how am I supposed to not feel slightly silly talking to my belly?! Haha and looking cute?! Please! I hardly have the energy to even entertain that thought.
My absence on the blog for December and January was incredibly obvious, but man I couldn't even manage to get off the couch most days! Aside from battling some not-so-fun nausea, I didn't throw up the first time. (Huzzah! Throwing up is my "first worst"... I'm like Jerry Seinfeld because I keep up with how long it's been. 3 years, 7 weeks. Thank you very much). The fatigue was (and still is) pretty awful though. I let so much slide in those 2 months. I've been playing a mad game of catch up ever since. But without a doubt the hardest part of the first trimester was the anxiety. I know I'm ultra hormonal and all, but rarely did a day pass where I didn't just cry out of absolute fear. Fear that something unexplainable would happen at any moment (I still fear this... and even if I have a healthy, happy pregnancy (and baby), I'm sure that fear won't go away.) It's not something I've told many people before, but my #1 fear in life is that I couldn't/wouldn't be able to have children. So when I saw those (four! Because apparently I didn't believe the first three...) positive pregnancy tests, I almost let my fear overshadow my excitement.
So many of my friends have experienced such profound losses. Whether it was loss during pregnancy or just trouble conceiving, my heart aches for them. And such a large part of me felt guilty when I found out we were expecting. I wasn't sure how to celebrate our news without feeling like a traitor of sorts. I know no one can be blamed for these sorts of things, and I truly do know what a blessing a pregnancy is (especially a healthy one thus far). I guess part of me will always hurt for those I hold near and dear. I'm not even sure this was a complete thought. Do y'all at least get what I mean?
Lately, as my belly grows, I've found myself sort of "cradling" it with my hands. Mike and I were walking into a store the other day and he made a silly quip about it, but that's when it became apparent to me. It's almost like I'm trying to protect it or something. Like most pregnant women, I'm hyper aware of buggies, cars, and other shoppers. But not only that, but I'm also starting to feel that "connection" with the baby. Like HELLO! There's an actual human *growing* inside of me right now! It's so totally bizarre and animalistic. It's amazing, but brain boggling. I don't even notice that I'm doing it most of the time, but chances are if you see me out and about I've got my hands all over my belly. I want to make sure I don't miss any movement or any "time" touching the baby. Is that totally silly?! Haha
I've started living in jeggings and maternity v-necks because then I actually get to look (and feel) pregnant. The dresses of mine that still fit just make me look like I've chowed down at a Mexican buffet haha I know I'll probably grow tired of it down the line, but right now it's fun when people notice. (Though the few unsolicited and slight rude comments I've received could have been done without!) the good with the bad I guess. I'm sure I'll balloon up before long, but the "looking pregnant" part is so fun for right now!
Just thinking about my pregnancy being half over total spins my head. There's so much I want to say and share, but I've made sure to tread lightly thus far, assuring myself that I won't become a pregnancy/mommy blog. Still, I want to document these things, even if they're not the most relatable or popular across the board. Growing a new life is something each expectant mom experiences differently. I want to be able to look back on this for years to come. Plus it'll be funny to glance back at the insanely expensive baby stuff I was lusting after (but will never buy because, uh, too rich for my blood!) You should see my make-believe baby registry... it's stupid crazy. (A girl can dream!)
I definitely plan on going back and finishing the several posts I have in my drafts. Even if just to humor myself! Despite the occasional uncomfortable moment, I've absolutely loved being pregnant so far. It's so hard for me to fathom that I'm actually experiencing all of this first hand... Knowing that I'll have two precious boys to call my own (in just a few months!) is absolutely amazing. Hearing Toby talk about his baby brother makes me just well up!
Thanks for letting me share such personal parts of our lives here. I know I rarely shy away from "filler" content and things that'll appeal to the masses, but it's these honest, personal posts that make me love this space so much. It really is like having hundreds (thousands?!) of best friends. Yall are always so supportive!
PS; Does documenting your growing baby bump *ever* get old?! I have so much fun trying to notice the progress each and every day. It's hard not to post a photo every time haha! Sometimes it feels like the baby has doubled in size in a matter of hours, but that's probably just my big lunch talking...
