// Honest To Blog: Rerouting

It's been quite a while since I've written an Honest To Blog post... like, a couple years I think! To be honest (ha!) I'm not even sure if I remember how to simply free write. I "rebranded" my blog a little over a year ago and dropped the name "Little Chief Honeybee" because it didn't have any backstory or reason, and because it could be mistakenly taken for cultural appropriation. When I started my blog in May 2009, LCH was simply my Myspace name (oh yeah. Myspace! Remember that?!) I didn't know what I would really blog about, but I knew that I wanted a space to share my adventures in NYC while I worked at Bust magazine. I was newly 21 and had no idea what I planned on doing with myself or my blog.

My Summer in NYC came and went, and I returned my junior year of college where I got back in touch with Mike. We moved in together, lost everything we owned to the flood, had a distance relationship while I returned to NYC the following Summer, and then tackled my senior year of college. I graduated, got engaged, moved a few different times, brought Toby home to live with us permanently, and started learning what it meant to be a parent. We got married, honeymooned in Mexico, renovated a house, and brought another little guy into the world. During all of that we started several small businesses and then Mike started nursing school. It's been a pretty eventful ride. When I think about how much of our story this blog contains, I get a little overwhelmed by it. Some days I think of this space as simply a tiny little billboard in the vast space of the internet, but other days it feels much more special. Regardless of how many installments of "Things I Love Thursday" I've done, or how many sponsored posts I've agreed to, this blog contains the timeline of my family's story. That's pretty major.

Last New Year's when I rebranded to The Clueless Girl's Guide, it was because I felt sort of stuck. I didn't feel motivated to blog, or to create DIYs, cocktails, whatever. I started to doubt myself and be overly critical of everything I was doing. It was a pretty hard time. It had been building up for a few months, and then I was determined to try and start "fresh" (well, as fresh as one could on the same blog). I wanted to use my blog as a platform to share things I tried for the first time, things I failed at, things I totally rocked, and then some. I wanted to try my hand at cooking (because I was otherwise clueless at how to make a full meal... seriously.) I wanted to learn a new skill set (because I was clueless how to do something). Shortly after deciding to work on a rebrand, we found out we were pregnant. I was going to be parenting a brand new baby... what?! As an only child, I was clueless on how to do all of these things. I wanted to use my blog as a way to document new things I tackled. I wanted to share stories of women who did the same. That's where Rad Gal, Rad Gig was born (still my favorite feature ever. And it's not retired! Don't worry!). Loads of people embraced the change when it went live, but there were plenty of critics, too. And they had great criticism that I never really managed to think of/see myself. One of the critiques was that I wasn't "clueless"... I was an educated, motivated woman with children and multiple businesses. And you know what? They were right. I am all of those things.... I never meant for "The Clueless Girl" to have any sort of negative connotation. In fact, it was meant to be the exact opposite. Overcoming things that I wasn't well versed in, etc. But as my pregnancy progressed, my motivation in making that happen waned. I didn't care too much about proving that I could possibly cook something without burning the house down. I really just wanted to get through my pregnancy safely. And then Linden was born...

Oh boy. Linden! That kid. He is certainly a bright spot in my day, but it hasn't come without its obstacles. He's such a happy, sweet baby, but he's also very needy. (Duh, what baby isn't "needy" right?) It's been such a learning lesson and most days I don't even manage to get anything done. But that's okay. I promised myself that once he was born, I'd be okay with some dirty dishes, or a few loads of laundry left for a day, and I'd worry less about this blog. And I'm happy (proud, even?) to say I've done just that. I used to panic if I went more than one day without posting, but now I'll go five and not bat an eyelash. It's not that I don't care about this space, but it's that I realize there are other things that deserve my time and attention. This blog stopped being my bread and butter a long time ago. It used to pay all the bills, and now it might take us out to dinner a couple times a month, if we're lucky. I'm okay with that. I continue to write here because like I mentioned earlier, it holds our story. 

I've known for quite a while that the new title doesn't fit the feel of this blog. But I didn't know what to do about it. I don't want to give up this space and move somewhere fresh because I want it all in one space. Plus I worked so hard over the past almost-six years, I don't want to just throw that away, ya know? I was worried that if I tried to "rebrand" yet again, I'd look foolish. Like a big failure. Admitting "defeat" isn't something I'm great at, but you know what, the rebrand/new name was just that... a failure. And that's okay. Goodness knows I've failed at much larger projects before haha! But I also don't want to "rebrand"... I don't want to look at it from a marketing perspective. When LCH turned into TCGG, I was thinking "I want to be a reference blog! Resources! Pinterest the crap out of it!" and my motivation was in the wrong place. Now... Now I just want to write about what I'm doing, what our family is up to, new things that excite me. Basically the original purpose of this blog. Not to make money or garner tens of thousands of visitors each day. Those are awesome perks, I won't lie. I've not been one to necessarily "shy" away from sponsored partnerships, especially since we're now a one-income family and Mike is eyeball deep in nursing school. But it shouldn't be the only motivation, ya know? It's not an easy time with all the commotion going on, but it's surprisingly enjoyable. They're temporary sacrifices for an awesome future. But even with that being said, I don't want this space to become void of any real experiences. I've managed to sort of shelter myself from a lot of criticism by just taking the personality out of the blog. I want to reinvent this space in the sense that I take it back to its roots a bit. Remember when I did iPhone outfit photos, before I really did outfit posts? And my entire blog was filled with grainy, iPhone 3 photos? haha I don't plan on necessarily bringing those back, but I just mean I want to write about what I know. I've probably said this a dozen times though, so take it for what you will.

This has just been something weighing on my head and heart the past little while. I know it probably seems like I've morphed into a mommy blog, despite my best efforts to assure you I wouldn't/didn't want to. But I guess the simple truth is I'm currently writing what I know. I've never spent more than 5 hours away from Linden at a time, and it's just me and him at home all day, so I tend to gravitate toward that. I know it's run some readers off, and I understand why. We all grow at different speeds, in different directions, etc. There are plenty of bloggers out there who have kids and don't feel it pertinent to mention them all that often on their blogs. I'm just not one of them I guess. I also didn't really plan to get so engulfed in a lot of the "mommy" things (babywearing, cloth diapering, reading strangers' birth stories and crying over them haha!) but that's where my interests currently are. I'm not 21, living in NYC, interning at a feminist magazine and spending boatloads of disposable income on fast fashion anymore. I'm 26 (almost 27, heaven help me!), mom of two, self employed and often trying to find the motivation to put on real clothes ha! It's probably not nearly as exciting to some, but it is to me so I want to document that. Sure, I could start a scrapbook, but instead I choose to share it here.

With all of this being said, I do plan on scrapping the name, and the blog design, and going with something else. But even then, this blog needs to be majorly organized. I was actually listening to a song a few nights ago when it hit me how perfect it would be for this blog. That's not to say that's what I'm definitely going to go with, but it inspired me enough to give me the courage to write this post. I spent a lot of time thinking "Should I be embarrassed that my rebrand was an epic fail? Should I even bother changing it? Should I give up all together?" And that's when I spent time going through the blog and seeing all the memories it contained. I don't plan on blogging forever, and if anything this can probably serve as the beginning of "the end" in a way. I plan to continue blogging until it's no longer fun for me, but I don't want it to feel like a burden or obligation like it has in the past. I know a day will come where I'll simply walk away and never come back, but that's a conversation for another blog post.

I guess I just want to say thank you... to any and everyone who has been there from the beginning, or maybe from the LCH days. And those of you who have just found me. This space has gone through some pretty epic changes over the past six years, but I'm glad I've managed to evolve in some way over that time. Maybe you came for the NYC/Bust adventures, but stayed for whatever reason. Maybe you're really into mommy-ish blogs and you like that sort of thing. Whatever your reasoning is for being part of this small space, I appreciate it. And I hope you'll stay for the next phase, too.

Thanks for letting me write all of this out. I probably sound like a bumbling fool, but I forgot just how liberating these HTB posts can be. I've missed them. xo

// Conversations: The Evolution of a Relationship

Last night I started to think about something rather interesting... the evolution in a couple's conversations over the course of their relationship. Mike and I have only lived together for a little over 4 years, but it's still sort of hard to remember what we talked about in those early days. That isn't really what matters of course, but I know that we talked to each other non-stop. If I were at school or he were at work, we were texting like crazy. Usually about nothing important at all (Those can make for great conversations though, right?). Over the years we've started talking less... and not in a bad way. Not in the "I feel disconnected and I can't communicate with you" type of way. It's simply the "You know everything I know so let's sit in this comfortable silence." Comfortable silence! Maybe it's just me but I feel like that's such an important part of a relationship. Being able to be in someone's company and be totally okay with not saying anything at all. 

Back in the day when Mike and I would take regular road trips, we hardly listened to music at all because we were just filled to the brim with things to discuss with each other. We'd talk, talk, and talk, then have to put a pin in it and come back to it later because we each had more to say. Now we'll spend hours in the car in one direction and we'll maybe break the silence once or twice... and I love that. Don't be confused and think this means we don't have meaningful conversations anymore, because that couldn't be further from the truth. One of my favorite parts about being with Mike is...

We regularly pause our tv or movie to go off on this long tangent/conversation about whatever strikes our fancy. Last night, for instance (which started this whole thought process), Mike and I were watching Grey's Anatomy before bed (always!) and we paused the tv to talk about organ donation and how each of us would handle something like limb-donation, etc. if the other were to pass away. (That sort of donation requires special signatures, and your spouse can make that call.) We talked about our emotional attachments to the other's body (be it arms, legs, eyes, whatever) and who we'd immediately give a kidney/piece of our liver to if we were a guaranteed match. It might sound like a sort of strange conversation to have, but it was so fascinating. Hearing the whys and why nots of the whole thing. It's conversations like this that help me continue to learn things about my husband over the years. 

Our deep conversations aren't always about organ donation or medical mumbo-jumbo, but they're typically very "exposing" (for the lack of a better word). Through these conversations we've learned how the other feels about racial and gender discrimination, space exploration, drug laws, and loads of other topics that you don't typically bring up at the dinner table. One of the most discussed topics is simply our parenting style and how each of us can improve. It makes sense since our lives revolve around Toby and we want to raise him the best way we can. But even those conversations, despite being totally practical and regular, are so incredibly telling of our growth as people, parents, and a couple.

We still talk about petty stuff, that's for sure. But over the past several years I've grown to love that we can talk so open and honestly with each other. We certainly haven't always been the best communicators, and that area can always use some work, but overall I'm grateful for our talks, just like I'm grateful for our silence.

When I think about our relationship and if it's meant to stand the test of time, I always, and immediately, go to "I've never felt so comfortable in silence before." I feel pretty lucky to have that.

How about you? What are some topics you find the most entertaining to discuss with your partner? Or do you think I'm totally full of crap? haha!

// Honest To Blog: Growing Up Is Hard

Y'all, I'm just gonna give it to you straight: getting older is the pits. I mean, it's not all bad. I do appreciate that I can now, at the age of 25, legally rent a car "just because" and I like that my car insurance has gone down... but other than that? Meh. I spend far too much time sitting and thinking about growing up. I remember being in middle school and thinking that 22 was the magic number. At 22 you totally had it together... You were graduating college, getting a "real" job, and all of that jazz. Now I see 22 in my rear view mirror and I can't help but feel slightly defeated at times.

"Success" and being an "adult" are totally relative things. They mean different things to different people, and I'm sure my version of it (or lack thereof) is wild compared to someone else's. Yet I can't help but sit down and think "When will I be a grown up? When will I get my crap together? When will I feel like I know what I'm doing with my life?!" It's kind of sad how many posts I write about this very topic on this very blog, but it's truly something that I feel has "plagued" me these past few years. Like, I'm legitimately responsible for keeping a small child alive... every single day! No matter how childish I feel, I still have to wake this kid up, feed him, dress him, teach him, etc. That's crazy to me. How can you be responsible for another life when you feel like a child yourself?

I feel pretty lucky that my biggest "problems" aren't really problems usually. Sometimes I get flustered that I won't score enough freelance work for the month, or something crazy will happen and our budget will be totally blown (it happens far too often than it should), but who doesn't have those thoughts? When I talk to people older than myself about "the tough times" it always amazes me about how many of them admit to basically living on Ramen and skipping the heat in their 20's. I feel like I've just always assumed that the other 20-somethings out there had their crap together and they didn't always feel like massive losers haha! Granted we don't live on Ramen and we have plenty of heat (thank goodness!), but I still worry about being self-employed and supporting a family without a "real" (read: corporate) job. I worry that I put my fingers in too many pies and that I've become more of a "jack of all trades" and a master at none. Ya know what I'm saying?! Anyone?! I tweeted something along those lines last night and I know it must've hit close to home to loads of people because my mentions feed was full of people favoriting that one. C'mon! It's nice to know you're not alone, right?

I know that I have a lot of readers that are older than me... I've received emails and comments from gals in their 30's, 40's, 50's, and even a lady in her 60's once. (Seriously, you don't even know how tickled I was to be on the receiving end of that email... it was like a crazy rad compliment) I bet I have plenty of readers who are way younger than me that honestly have twice the life experience that I do... and with that I want to ask you one thing: What kind of "obstacle" did you have to overcome when you were "growing up?" 

I'm sure plenty of you are in the same boat as me, regardless of age... feeling like you're still not a legitimate adult. But even still, you've experienced things! You've traveled the world on pennies. You've raised a house full of children on your own. You worked and paid your own way through college. You overcame your own self doubt and became the most baller version of yourself. Whatever it is that you've tackled, I want to hear about it! I need to hear about it.

Some days it's hard to just do daily tasks because they feel like they're leading to some distant dead end. I want to chase my passions and live my dreams as much as the next person, but I also don't want to be totally jaded about it. Does that make sense?

So what was the hardest chunk of time for you? The most trying? How long did it last and how did you come out on the other side of it? Do you have feelings like this, too? Gimme some good things to read here, y'all! Some days I feel like throwing in the towel and getting a corporate job haha I mean, I know that won't solve my problem of feeling like I'm in limbo, but at least it'd be a routine I could count on. Basically I just need to know that this sort of limbo-feeling isn't forever... that I will figure out my path before too terribly long. It's hard to have one set direction when you're constantly pulling yourself three or four ways, ya know? Inspire me (please)! xo

Remember this feature? I haven't done one in a long time (for a multitude of reasons... maybe I'll share those one day!) but I felt like it was as good of a day as any. It's been on my mind. -- Honest to Blog is a free-writing feature where I just write whatever my mind is thinking at the time... no filter, no edits. Feel free to browse the other HTB posts here.
 

Honest To Blog : Censored Audience

I've had a lot of "Honest To Blog" ideas in my little blog notebook for a while now, but many of them I'm sort of hesitant (scared?) to publish. I'm not really sure why I'm hesitant, but I think it's because I start picturing in my mind the individual people who read my blog. Isn't that weird? We start blogs, we network, we build our readership and hope to grow, but as soon as we do, we shut down a very honest and open part of ourselves. Well, I do at least. I guess I can't speak for anyone else. 

I think it started for me the first time I had someone approach me in public and introduce themselves as a reader of my blog. To me that's a staggering wake up call like "Oh hey! Duh! Real people out there read what you write! And sometimes you write dumb stuff!" haha It's as though I become much more self-conscious and guarded with each new reader I gain. Sometimes it's just the sheer surprise of who is reading my blog that really throws me for a loop. I've had people come up to me at my bar (!!!) and say they read, or in completely different states as I'm just doing my thing. Don't get me wrong -- I love it. I really do! It's so exciting and flattering (and terrifying) to meet the real people on the other end of the screen. People who continue to lift me up when I'm feeling down, shower me with support, and really help me enjoy this journey. But it's almost as if I have this silly fear of disappointing them in some way, by what I write or say or do. That doesn't even really make sense though. I don't mean to say I'm like some celebrity, because clearly I'm not, but what I'm trying to say is that even with thousands of blog readers, I'm (just) this slightly (totally) insecure girl sometimes who likes to share more than just the surface of things, but it's scary. Plus you always have people who follow you solely for the purpose of criticizing everything you say/do. I've been on the internet long enough to know that. Luckily I've come to terms with not everyone liking me so that's not the issue. But the people who genuinely like me/my blog, and read it daily? Sometimes that's a huge thing to live up to -- no matter if you have 7 followers or 70,000. 

Does anyone else feel that way? How do you combat the fear of disappointment or rejection in those situations? I have a laundry list of topics that I'd love to write on, or have been asked to write on, but just thinking about those individual people who read my blog is what keeps me from doing it. Not because the topics are iffy or NSFW, but because with those posts I'll have to expose a little part of me. I'll have to be vulnerable. And to me, knowing the faces behind the screen is way scarier than writing to an anonymous internet. It's like being able to see everyone in the audience while I'm on stage... I'd rather have the blinding lights so I couldn't make out any faces haha 

I've made a conscious effort to move my blog back to something more personal as of late. That's always been my intention but sometimes putting up pretty pictures is more popular than personal anecdotes and photos. I don't mind if I only get 10 comments on a personal post because like I said earlier in the year, I want this blog to be a scrapbook. It's a bit silly that I keep having to remind myself of that and I have to give myself these public pep-talks, but I'll do what I need to right? Knowing that family, friends of my parents, and even people I went to high school with read my blog is a scary thing. But I choose to put it out there, and I'm proud of it... I just need to learn to stop feeling so sheltered. 

Over the course of the next few weeks/months, I hope to publish all of the articles I've jotted down in my notebook. The nitty gritty, personal posts that I've been too shy to write. I'll rewrite ones that need some tweaking, and I'll hopefully feel better about it once I hit "Publish"... Rather than speak from authority I'll simply speak from experience. Even if they get crickets, less than 10 comments, and the side-eye from the internet worldwide, I know I'll look back on those posts in a few years and scoff at my original hesitance and then I'll cringe at everything I ever wrote. That's the point of a blog, right?!

How about you? Ever felt this way? How do you balance the two? 

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Honest To Blog is a weekly free-writing feature where I share whatever is on my mind. No edits, no filters. Just unapologetic, sometimes offensive, always truthful thought. Click HERE to read all of the past posts in this feature.

PS: I'm having an Instagram closet sale today at 11am CST! You can follow @kaelahscloset on IG to shop! You can also view/comment items online if you don't have access to your phone. Just CLICK HERE!

Honest To Blog : Fortune Favors The Brave

This lovely image from Saturday's post really got me thinking about work, goals, and my quality of life.  Okay, so it can't all be attributed to the illustration since those topics are literally the only thing on my mind 99% of the time, but I really really think the sentiment was a strong one. (And I'm kicking myself for not buying the print, but maybe I'll do that as my "100% self employed" treat?) I've written about it sparingly here on the blog, but if you follow me on Twitter or Tumblr then you'll know one thing: I'm ready to quit my job. Like, beyond ready, drowning in misery, frustrated with everyone and everything, done with it all, quit. I feel like I'm giving my bartending job too much credit. It's not actually the black hole of karaoke and rude people that I make it out to be always, but time has wore on and after 6 years, I'm exhausted. It's not where I see myself long term, so why am I allowing it such a large portion of my life? While you may know just how badly I want to quit, something that I've been a little bit less vocal about is this: I'm terrified. Scared like you can't even imagine. I don't even know where to start when it comes to leaving behind a secure, yet insufferable, job that has paid my bills for more than a half decade. But I did a big thing Saturday... I told my manager that my "retirement" from bartending was imminent. And I told her with a smile on my face. (Then I maybe started crying just a wee little bit at one point but that's just an awkward add-in so disregard). 

It sounds so silly to say I've upset myself over a bartending job, doesn't it? It's not exactly a noble or worthwhile cause, but it is a lot of work. I've had many people over the years try to make me feel "less than" for my job title, even while accomplishing what I had in the meantime. I'm a firm believer that the job doesn't make the person, but so many were hellbent on making me feel that way. Bartending has taught me a lot about people. More than I sometimes wish to know. I'd like to say it's made me a more patient person, but it hasn't. If anything in that regard it's just made me more irritated. But at the same time I've had a few life lessons that I otherwise would've missed out on. I'll save you the "bar-piphany" spiel though. I didn't give her a timeline really, aside from saying at the latest I'd like to be done by the wedding. Aka the last weekend of September. I really don't want to stay that long, but if I choose to then it'll help knock out Honeybean's loan, and maybe set up our savings so I don't have a breakdown on my first weekend sans bar. It'll be like starting new... a married woman, with a new last name, and a new job title. 

I've loved building our little businesses from the ground-up. Growing as a business has been one of the best things to ever experience. I've always referred to myself as self-employed, but I've also always had that safety net. Only 10 hours a week but you'd be surprised at how lucrative it can be at times. Especially when you're 18 years old, living with 2 other roommates, sharing all of your expenses, etc. Living arrangements have changed a lot over the past 6 years and, my frustrations aside, that bar was the reason I was able to focus so much on college. It's easy to run your own business when you have something to constantly fall back on. Lulls in clients or sales just means that I work a little harder on the weekend, no big deal. But I'm ready to go at it alone. I think.

I try not to question myself, but I've never been more scared in my life. Maybe that's a good sign though. A really good one. For once I feel uncertain and 100% in control of my destiny. Cheesy much? It's true. I'm finally able (and required) to pursue things that spark my heart and excite me. I just wish I felt more at ease. I think with all great game plays come great risks. I never want to feel like my decisions put a strain on our family life, especially with a toddler. But I guess at the end of the day every single decision we make really does. It all comes full circle. 

If I told you how many hours a day I spend a day obsessing over our business' future, our shopfront, our next move, our life... you'd think I was crazy. I know in my heart of hearts that this is supposed to be scary. Even with a solid business plan, even with everything charted out, it's supposed to be scary. It's so hard to know exactly what you want out of life but be a little bit unsure on how to get there. I think the fear in me is slightly exciting. It's a rush of something, anything, that I have never felt with bartending. Tending bar never empowered me or made me feel in control. Now everything is on my shoulders to make happen. My profit and gain directly correlates with my work ethic and output. Starting today my to-do lists are three miles long... and I'm looking forward to it. 

I still have a few weeks/months to sort everything out and get a lay of the land, but I want to start preparing now for the major switch. I hope the wake makes its way to the blog, too, because I want to be 100% transparent about this shift in my life. I know so many of you are small biz gals or aspire to be, and there aren't a ton of resources out there for female-run business owners. It's definitely a time of protecting how you've accomplished everything you have in fear that someone else will use it and beat you at your own game. I don't want that. I want to share the successes, the failures, the broken times, and the triumphs. I tend to be the kind of person who likes stress (to a certain degree) so now I'm just asking for it. Crazy exciting things are buzzing around our little hive so stay tuned. I can't say it'll always be exciting, but it'll be real. Here's to preparing for my real switch! I may have only taken the (tiny) first step to freedom, but it's been one I've thought about for a long long time. I've gotta go through with it now, right?!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Honest To Blog is a weekly free-writing feature where I share whatever is on my mind. No edits, no filters. Just unapologetic, sometimes offensive, always truthful thought. Click HERE to read all of the past posts in this feature.

Honest To Blog: Porter Flea + Our Small Business

Two weeks ago we set up Honeybean at the 2nd Summer Porter Flea market, smack dab in the middle of our crazy insane work and travel schedule. I had been dreading those few weeks for months... not because of Porter Flea, but because of everything else we had to do around it. During a 36 hour span of  Friday + Saturday, I had worked 33 of those hours (39 of 42 if you want to get really technical). 3 hours of sleep Friday night left me feeling a little bit lethargic and stressed when it came time to set up Honeybean. I won't even go into the whining and complaining about running the bar by myself that week (I'll save that for my "I quit my job!" post... you know, if that ever happens). 

This photo shows a decent variety of the indie designers we have in the shoppe!

 

We pulled Honeybean into Marathon Music Works a day early, on Friday the 15th, so we could get her partially set up. She's a bit of a beast in comparison to most people's table booths so I was glad we were able to take care of that. We spent several hours setting up before having to rush down to work, so this allowed us to show up about an hour and a half after most people the day of the event. The doors opened at 11am and I was amazed at how many people flooded in. This was my first time attending Porter Flea, let alone vending, so it was fun to see how it all worked. Within seconds Honeybean (who was directly across from the entrance hallway) was overrun with people who appreciate handmade and independent designers. I remember looking over at Mike and saying "This is what it's all about. These people just 'get it!'" I've loved setting up Honeybean each and every place we have. Even when the rain threatens to strip me of my sanity, I've loved meeting people who totally get our vision. But Porter Flea was just perfect. The demographic was exactly what we were shooting for, and we were over the moon.

@ngelpoon

The event was from 11am til 6pm, but I had to leave Mike at 3 so I could rush back down to the bar and open up. In the 4 hours that I was there, I met so many people! Blog readers, internet friends, Nashvillians who loved Honeybean and had seen her around town, and even potential designers to stock the shelves. When I eagerly exclaimed to Mike that "this was it", I also told him that my heart had never felt so full. Running your own business, especially a retail shop, can be truly testing of your patience with people (and yourself). We've had snide comments in the past like "That is too expensive" and "I could make that" (what handmade business doesn't get that?), but at PF we finally felt like we had found the demographic that our business spoke to, even if it wasn't everyone's cup of tea. Each and every time we make a sale, I'm reminded at just how much I love Honeybean, yet how badly I want to expand and grow with her. Owning my own brick and mortar storefront only became a "dream" of mine in high school, but it is as strong as it's ever been today. It's an exciting position to be in to be able to pick out beautifully made pieces in hopes of sending them home with a potential customer. Am I waxing too poetic for you? Sorry, I'm getting mushy!

@crashwagon

@chelsgriffith

I also told Mike that I would run on 3 hours of sleep every single night if that meant I was able to live out the Honeybean dream on the daily. While it's always been our plan to really try and put plans into motion after the wedding, I was in full force "Let's get this ish done!" mode and it was on. Since the flea I've charted out pages and pages of decor, shop interiors/displays, potential wholesale designers, and even gone as far as to buy the first major piece of furniture for display. Whether it's 2 months from now or 2 years when we sign a contract to open Honeybean's (permanent) doors, it's something that I will not slow down in thinking about. 

I try not to let the little annoyances like local caravans painted the exact same, claims of being the first "fashion truck" in town or weather (insane heat/rain) get the best of me. At the end of the day I'm doing something I love to do, with someone I love to do it with. Mike has without a doubt been the very best partner I could ask for. It goes without saying that absolutely zero of my small biz ventures would pan out the way they do without him. He's invaluable. I know it's a bit crazy to live with someone, work with someone, and basically be 110% invested in something like we are, but it works for us. And I hope that's always the case. We just make sure to have separate lives/friends/activities to enjoy in order to keep us sane haha Everything else is just noise in the picture.

The lovely Elizabeth from Stockroom Vintage! She and her hubby helped string up the pretty lights you see attached to Honeybean. She also styled the event! (Thank you, E!)

My very own Matron of Honor, Elle, set up for her stationery biz Jam + Toast!
 Acorn + Archer
 Cordial Kitten 

NashPop

To the fab people at Porter Flea (Katie, Jessica, Brent + Friendly Arctic Printing and Design), thanks for letting Honeybean be part of the event last month. It was so much fun and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. In fact, I'd do it every single month. We didn't get a chance to fill out the vendor survey afterward (I forgot to tell Mike about it!) but we'd do Porter Flea if it were a seven day event ;) We definitely hope to vend come the Holiday Flea, too! To everyone who came out to see the 'bean, stop by the booth, and/or say hello, thank you! Thank you for making it so incredibly obvious to me (even in times of doubt) that this is exactly what I want to do. A few shoutouts to some people who came by to see the 'bean for the first time (that I can recall!): Corinne, Lauren, Jenna, Allis, Zoe, and I'm sure there are more! If you were there, let me know in the comments. Introduce yourselves!

When it's all said and done, I just need to prioritize my life and make Honeybean/our businesses my main goal. I think I've let crappy dead-end, yet well paying, jobs (I'm looking at you, bar!) keep me in some kind of comfort zone. That job doesn't force me out of my element, to risk anything. But at the same time it doesn't spark any of my passion or creativity... Here's to finding the power within myself to say goodbye before too long! We don't set up every day, or even every weekend, but hopefully once I figure out my work situation and where I hope to take this little trailer, we'll have a steady set up. Until then, I'm just happy doing some fun events around town. 

PS; Sorry I don't have more pictures! Or any of the event/other vendors. Our booth was so packed the entire day that I only got to walk around for about 10 minutes, and even then it was just too much to try and snap photos! The Instagram photos are courtesy of the fine folks sourced underneath, and the rad digital photos are courtesy of PF photographer, Emily Spence! Peep the Facebook for more photos!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Honest To Blog is a weekly free-writing feature where I share whatever is on my mind. No edits, no filters. Just unapologetic, sometimes offensive, always truthful thought. Click HERE to read all of the past posts in this feature.

Honest To Blog : Sit Down + Stay A While

(source unknown)

It's been a while since I've done an Honest To Blog post, and this one is really just a regurgitated subject that I've harped over time and time again at LCH... but still, I'm finding it hard to find peace in the present. I have such big dreams for myself, our business(es), our family... I find it difficult on the daily to just slow down and take it all in. I always seem to find myself in a rush to get to the next best thing... the next milestone with a project, the next big break for our businesses, the next "woo hoo!" for a family of three (err, 6?). I'm always too focused on the finished product to enjoy the journey and experience.

It could very well be a result of my age, and my immaturity peeking through. I don't consider myself to be overly experienced or anything, but I also don't like to discount what I have accomplished at 24. The  thing that hangs me up though? How much else is left to accomplish! haha It's a vicious cycle, but luckily one that keeps me on my toes. I try to cram so much into 24 hours that I feel exhausted, frustrated, and often times overwhelmed (yet that's no one's fault but my own). I get asked pretty often how I manage to "do it all" and believe me... I don't! More than I care to admit goes unfinished. Things fall to the back-burner and then I'm left thinking "Ugh, why did I let that happen?" I'm constantly on the prowl for a scheduling system that will allow me to be as efficient as possible all the while saving me my sanity. (Speaking of which, I'm having luck with a specific set of values that I'll share soon! However they only seem to cover my day to day life, not the whole package.) I stress so much about completing things and getting them where I want them that I don't even enjoy doing them. That's ridiculous. 

When touching on this in the past, several of you offered up some great suggestions and advice on what you do to combat this self-destructing mentality. While everyone has their own way to deal and adapt, I'd love to hear what the rest of you do when you feel this way. 

I want to learn to be present in the moment. In order to do so I've been toting around a film camera (or three) to document my days. This way I'm not caught up in exactly what the image looks like in the LCD... I just point, shoot, and go about my day. Then I get to relive it all over again when it's developed. (Remember when Mike + I used to shoot a disposable camera almost every single day?! I miss that!)

I'm starting to really prioritize things in my life and deciding what means the most to me. Everything from my current job situation to friends and where I hope to see our family in the next 5 years. Sometimes it's thinking like this that gets me so riled up (and off track with the present) but I'm hoping if I can have a defined set of ideals and goals then I'll be able to stop stressing about them so much. All in all, I often feel like I wear entirely too many "hats"... and I hate hats (Figurative and literal hats, respectively, that is. I have an oddly shaped head...) I'm ready to cut down on the non-sense and things that don't help get me to where I'm going. It'll be hard and it'll be scary, but I want to be able to enjoy each and every day that comes my way.

Another thing that seems to come along with this feeling is never being satisfied. I'm not satisfied with the current set up of Honeybean, or our house, or whatever... but they're great. Honeybean is doing awesome, our house is a home... but I constantly want to obsess over buying a house, taking Honeybean into a brick and mortar, expanding my design business, etc. All things that really don't even need a second-look right now. It's like the opposite of the Peter-Pan Syndrome... how do I make it stop!? haha

How about you? How do you combat the "I just wanna grow up" feeling?

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Honest To Blog is a weekly free-writing feature where I share whatever is on my mind. No edits, no filters. Just unapologetic, sometimes offensive, always truthful thought. Click HERE to read all of the past posts in this feature.


PS - Happy Father's Day to all the rad father-figures in my life. Mike - for being the best Dad to Toby (and our furbabies), my step-dad for being the best dad I've ever had (biological or otherwise), and to Mike's dad who has always been there for us and welcomed me into their family without hesitation. And I can never go a single Father's Day without recognizing my amazing mom who played both roles in my life growing up. I only wish everyone could be so lucky!

Honest To Blog : The Past 2.5 Months

I thought an Honest to Blog about my past few months as a step-mom would be the perfect thing to publish today. This is a post I've been working on/intending on writing for a few weeks, but Mother's Day seems as good as any ol' day, yeah? 

These past 10 weeks or so have been so new, so different. I'm still in that early stage of haze and fog where I can't make out what's real and what's just make believe. Does that even make sense? There are still days where none of it feels real at all. I don't really feel like we have a full time toddler that we feed, bathe, take care of, entertain, etc. I mean, clearly we do, but I think it's what it feels like after you graduate. Something that has become so natural and routine for you is over. I guess this is kind of like the opposite in terms of that, but at the same time we can't just come and go as we please like we used to. We can't pack up and head off on a week long roadtrip or go to a show on a whim. But the crazy thing is that I don't really miss that too terribly much. At least not enough to negate having Toby here. It's been the most eye opening experience, I'll tell you that.

Seeing how much he's changed and progressed in these past 2 months is astonishing. He knows his shapes and colors, and his vocabulary has tripled. He's such a happy kid. He says "Yes ma'am" and "Yes sir", "Please" and "thank you", and even "You're welcome". One day he went to get something for Mike and after he handed it over Mike didn't say anything. Toby just stood there for a minute and said "You're welcome." Mike still didn't say anything so Toby looked at him and said "Say Thank you, daddy". He's such a riot.

I can't even tell how how incredible it is to see him with Pip and Georiga, and even Enid. He has taken to our animals like nobody's business. These (reposted) Instagrams just tell you all about it. He's really really hooked on Pip though. They are like the very best friends. I had a Bichon when I was Toby's age (up until I was 16) who was my absolute best friend in the world, so knowing Toby has that just makes my heart sing. (Seriously, I'm tearing up just writing this. Ahh, I'm such a goob). 

I also won't pretend these past few months have been easy. On Mike, Toby or myself. There have been some days where a grey cloud lingers above, for whatever reason. Usually just because one of us is having an all around bad day, but there have been tantrums in the store, screaming fits, and ensuing embarrassment. There have been judgmental looks, catty remarks, and ignorance abound. Luckily those experiences are few and far between, but they have still taught us a whole lot about this parenting thing. Most of all there have been so many supportive people, parents and otherwise, who have lent a helping hand, a tidbit of advice or experience, etc. Even if Toby acts out in a minor way, there will be someone who chimes in "Oh don't worry, I have 2 of my own, I understand." Ah, "I understand." You have no idea how calming those words have been these past weeks. Or maybe you do because you're a parent, too, or just because you get it. There is so much ridiculous competition and cattiness that it's so pleasing to find someone who doesn't want to judge you or kick you when you're down. We're far from perfect, and we're learning as we go along, but it's been one heck of a ride.

One thing that has really bothered me though, is certain people on the internet's ability to say the rudest things about an innocent child. Whether we're talking about Toby or not, kids do not belong in snark. They just don't. I had a string of seemingly "anonymous" comments about Toby on my Tumblr last week (and prior) and it just blew my mind. Save that ugly talk for someone your own size. Talk all kinds of smack about me if you wish, I put myself out there. But Toby is just growing up, being a kid, doing little boy stuff. I won't get into that too much because it's silly to even entertain. There are just some truly awful people out there

I mentioned earlier that it's insane to see how much he's grown and evolved since being here. We don't know what his day to day life was like prior to coming to live with us, and honestly, that's probably for the best. I can't even begin to touch on how much it means to us to be able to give him a stable and loving environment to grow and develop in. Mike and I regularly talk about what kind of person we suspect Toby will grow up to be. Will he be into sports? Music? The outdoors? Reading? Knowing that there is (hopefully) at least 14.5 more years of watching him grow is such a cool feeling. We know he'll be the very best big brother whenever we decide to expand our family. He's such a Mini-Mike it's ridiculous. Anything dad does, he wants to do. He also loves helping in any and every way possible. He loves to help build things (and has been quite the little Bob the Builder on Pawpaw's deck the past 2 weekends!) and he loves to play pretend. 

I know this is just an insanely long post gushing about Toby and how much we love him, but it's so so true. Our entire life now revolves around him. Errands need to be run around his nap time, every morning we're woken to the sound of scuffling feet by our bed, and he's learning how to earn money for his piggy bank. It's such a rewarding experience. And maybe I'm tooting my own here here, but even without the 9 months of preparation, I'm finding it to be an easy role to fall into (with the help of so many, including my mom and Mike's stepmom!) I totally understand why some women live to do this. He's a little person! Sometimes that's the hardest thing to wrap my head around. Anyway, thanks for reading along, if you made it this far. I'm really grateful for that little dude.

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there! Whether you're a step mom, biological, a grandma, someone like me who may not "legally" have a title, or even just an older sibling who has had to step in to play the part... you are a priceless, invaluable person in the lives of SO many.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Honest To Blog is a weekly free-writing feature where I share whatever is on my mind. No edits, no filters. Just unapologetic, sometimes offensive, always truthful thought. Click HERE to read all of the past posts in this feature.

24th Year: Make Yourself Proud

I was feeling a more personal post today so I hope that's alright...
(edited to add: my birthday isn't actually until friday, but thank you for the sweet birthday wishes already :P)

When I think back on the past 12 months of being 23, I feel like I've grown by leaps and bounds in terms of maturity (well, sometimes) and finding myself. I've always felt like I kind of knew what I wanted to be/do, but the past year has really solidified some of my life dreams. 

Last March I turned 23. I wrote a 23 before 24 list, half of it was silly, the other half semi-serious. Little did I know that so very very much of what was in store for me the following year wouldn't even make it's way to that paper. I had these ideas for myself, and Mike, that I didn't think we'd even touch on until a year or two down the road. Honeybean is a shining example of that. After being inspired by so many wonderful ladies and friends in so many cities, we decided to take the plunge. 2 weeks after the thought we had a business license, and 3 weeks later we had a full renovated camper. That was already almost 8 months ago! Just 3-4 months into my new list and I was already tackling bigger and better things. It's an awesome feeling.

Not only that, but we signed the lease to the loft on my birthday. What a birthday present that was! We lived there for almost 11 months and absolutely loved it. Then we took a chance on the other side of the river... We've only been here 6 weeks but we think it's so great. We love our little house, and we're making it into more of a home daily. Then there was Toby... oh my stars! This obviously is the most recent (and biggest!) adventure we've embarked on, and it's without a doubt been the most rewarding. It was like our priorities all of a sudden shifted when came into our lives. 

I tend to keep the "big important secrets" under wraps for a while, just to make sure they don't fall through before speaking publicly about them. But because I've found so few women who are willing to share their journey, failures and successes, with a small business, I wanted to try and speak about mine. We've been looking at brick and mortar spaces the past little while. A few "oh we're interested in hearing more" phone calls made, and a much more serious one as of late. We found a space... nearby our home and a great size for starting out. The price and situation seem great, too. The only thing we're not sure of: the location is ~eh, even though it has 30,000 cars passing by daily (!!!), and the "Are we ready?!" freak out. I thought by having Honeybean it'd help satisfy the need for a storefront. It'd give us a few years to get things ready and to plan... but it's done the exact opposite. It's made me realize how much I loved owning my own business and it makes me eager to move on to bigger and better things (all the while keeping the 'bean of course!)

We've talked with some friends and showed them the space. We've gone over it in our heads, and aloud. We've weighed the pros and cons and when we still couldn't really make a decision, we decided to re-prioritize yet again. I honestly do feel so incredibly lucky to be in the situation I'm in. To have a partner who is as interested in making this a "family business" as I am, and to have all of you to share this journey with. While our initial thought process was to put our money toward opening up a brick and mortar, then think about buying a house, we're thinking we may flip that. Or at the very least take baby steps. We won't be signing anything for that space soon, but to know that we're at that point... the looking and planning... man, it's terrifying!

One of the things I find so alarming about the blog world is how "effortless" everything seems. The perfect life, the perfect babies, the perfect jobs and opportunities that fall into laps. Life isn't like that. No matter how much we try to sugarcoat it to make it seem like a fairytale, there are real struggles there. Daily ones. I know I mentioned a handful of posts ago that I find it so disheartening that there are so many women out there that refuse to speak openly (and honestly) about their journeys. Even privately! It seems as so many just want to keep their secret locked away so they're the only ones who are successful. Maybe it's a little naive of me to think of blogging as a community, because I'll gladly be the first to admit that not everyone is nice. But to be fair, building a business from the ground up isn't something that happens overnight and it's not something that everyone can get lucky on. It takes planning and budgeting and maybe even sobbing here and there. It's a little bit bigger than just starting a blog. The idea that you can "wish" your way into a successful business is kind of foolish. And maybe I'm just slightly bitter that there are women out there who operate under the 'guise of "helping you" and "teaching you what they know" because it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize who is self-motivated and who isn't. Of course this isn't meant to point any fingers (and if you think it's about you then you should have talk with yourself), because it's about no one specific. Just the general air of blogging and owning a business. 

I've found so much support from so many ladies through blogging. Vanessa of Wanderlust, Punky from Haberdash, and even some rad ladies here in Nashville. The girls at Old Made Good here in Nashville made a great point: "Commerce breeds commerce." I feel like the stinky air of competition drowns out so many potential partnerships and friendships. That can be even said for just blogging! Stop competing so much and just make friends! 

Anyway, I've gone on a tangent! That wasn't my intention! I guess my whole point was to say that I have big plans for 24. For me, for our family, for our business. Whether they all come to fruition or not is something to discuss in 52 weeks, but it won't be for lack of trying. I have to constantly remind myself that it's okay to start small. You don't necessarily have to throw yourself overboard to be successful. Businesses take time to build. And I'm slowly but surely learning some patience. The motto for my 24th year starting Friday: "Make yourself proud." That's the plan! And we're moving in the right direction!

What have you done to make yourself proud?

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Honest To Blog -- Proud vs. Boastful

This week's Honest To Blog is probably going to be a scattered one. I've had this topic in mind for over a month already and I just can't seem to find the words to communicate what I'm thinking when I sit down to type it. Anyway, this one is about sharing your life online and the thin line between being proud (but in a sincere way) and being "braggy" and boastful. We all share these sides of our lives for different reasons. There isn't a questionnaire that deems you acceptable for the internet (though sometimes I think that'd be really helpful!). But as a blogger, do you ever feel like you're "showing off" sometimes? 

I do. And it makes me very uncomfortable. It's never my intention, of course. But sometimes I'll share something and then go back and read/see it a little while later and cringe, so I delete it. Obviously everything on the internet is forever (Seriously. Be mindful before you post things!) but sometimes things I say/do just irk me and I feel like I need to retract the entire situation. I'll give you an example...

Around Christmas I received several pairs of Jeffrey Campbell shoes... I was elated! My blog tagline says it right there... "ugly shoes" and I love 'em! We all have our collections! Anyway, I shared a picture on Instagram of the shoes I got for Christmas with the tagline saying something like "Looks like Santa is a shoe man!" It received several "likes" and no negative comments luckily, but not even 10 minutes after posting it I instantly felt a pang of shame at boasting about something so trivial and silly. I deleted it from every platform that IG posts to. I felt so strange, and so naive honestly! It could be just that I'm ultra sensitive sometimes or that I'm manic, but still. The current economic climate doesn't exactly lend itself to hoards of expensive, totally unnecessary and inappropriate shoes. How could I honestly sit there and post that so openly?! I've said it once and I'll say it again, I'm a huge fan of sales. I buy mostly everything on discount and I try to be a smart shopper, but my habits probably still come off as "excessive" to some. While we can never really know what life is like for other bloggers (this is a topic for another day!), we all try to piece the puzzle together to figure it out. (C'mon. I know I'm not the only one who speculates!) That's getting off on a tangent but still, I all of a sudden felt like I was sharing my shoe haul for the wrong reason. I think that's my one concern with "haul videos" that became popular on YouTube some years ago. So many people in your audience may genuinely be interested in what you picked out and added to your personal wardrobe, but how do you stay on the right side of the line between sharing and boasting? I suppose outfit posts could fall into the same category as well. Granted I don't wear high end, designer duds so I don't feel like my wardrobe is out of reach for the majority of my readers, but I still second-guess myself when I post them. I've been asked countless times to share haul videos or a video/blog post of my Jeffrey collection and I'd be more than happy to, but I'm so afraid I'd come off as insincere or like I'm just bragging. As I said earlier, that's never my intention with my blog. I'm this shy Nashvillian who spends more than her fair share of time in a UTC sweatshirt and leggings (and furry houseboots. Are you rethinking following me for my fashion posts yet?!) I love finding more gals who "get" the JC hype and don't mind my often repetitive outfits. 

I've also received my fair share of (both sincere and straight up accusatory) questions like "How do you afford all of that? Do you feel like you're a compulsive shopper? How does Mike feel about all of your shopping?" That' is still another topic for another day, but it helps put it into perspective for me as a blogger. A lot of my dresses in my closet are less than $10 and picked straight off the rack at Ross. I am so not ashamed to admit that. I have a slightly extravagant looking closet only because I'm cheap cheap cheap and I keep things for years! It doesn't feel weird for me to look over and see that hanging in my office but I understand that it can be so far fetched for others. They may not know my shopping habits or how I love wear and tear on items. They just see lots of "stuff" and may think I acquired it overnight. Is it our duty as bloggers to reign in the consumerism or "I can wear something new everyday" attitude of a lot of blogs, or is it normal and does it provide a sense of escapism for readers? Ah, escapism! I use that to describe my love affair for a lot of blogs... Not just ones who wear designer details top to bottom (that's really not my style anyway), but also for mom blogs, gals who blog about their world travel, etc. Things that aren't exactly pertinent to my life right now, but I still aspire to. It absolutely does provide me with an escape from my day. But with that being said, I have a hard time discerning my personal feelings toward my blog being seen as an escape for some. What I mean by that is I don't feel like I have/do anything that is outside the realm of possible for any other girl. Guys, I am as basic/normal as they come. Okay, big hair, really ugly shoes and some tattoos too (tagline!), but I'm no superhero haha I just want to share bits and pieces of my life without coming off as some uppity shoe hoarder! haha And yes, these are things that I actively think about. Though I suppose if you're more reserved/conservative with your "look" then you may like to see someone who is a little more out there. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I just think about blogging too much (but if I didn't, Honest to Blog wouldn't exist!). Instead of over-analyzing everything I do (along with the actions of others), maybe I should just write and go with it. I've definitely always fancied myself as someone who isn't too terribly wrapped up in what others think, but I absolutely hate the feeling of being misunderstood. Someone might read something on my blog and take it the wrong way and I hate that feeling of failure while trying to convey something (much like this blog post!) 

I've read blogs in the past that are nothing but "c/o" outfits and partnership schpiels and honestly, those weren't the blogs for me. I did feel a sense of entitlement coming from the blog author and I decided to just purge them from my reader. Life seems like one big competition and the blog world is no exception. I just strive to be sincere in everything I do and I hope y'all understand where I'm coming from. I definitely do some things that warrant me a side eye and maybe even an audible scoff, but I promise my intentions always come from the best of places. I guess this is just a thought that has been plaguing my mind since around the holidays and even more so now that we've moved into a new house. I want to show y'all absolutely everything we've picked out for it and how I've organized all of those ugly shoes, but I don't want to be perceived as a giant ego. It's so easy to interpret things in a way they weren't meant but hopefully y'all kind of get where I'm coming from and I don't sound like a total crazy lady!

Anyway, this is a much longer than intended post but I'm glad I was able to get (most of) it off of my chest. I definitely didn't deliver it in a way that I had hoped for but I'm at a loss for how to make sentences on most Sunday mornings! Work wears me out! Alright... what are your thoughts? How do you draw the line between being proud and being boastful? What do you do, as a blogger, to stay on the right side? Or how do you feel, as a reader, when you see bloggers post things like I mentioned? All discussion is welcome!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Honest To Blog is a weekly free-writing series on LCH where I share my thoughts, feelings and frustrations with all of my readers. 100% unedited, unbiased, and sometimes unpopular, you can often find a boatload of typos just by glancing at it. Click here to read the rest of the series!

Honest To Blog -- Being Connected

(♥ source ♥)

I've had a new Honest to Blog topic in my head for weeks now, but every time I sit down to write the words, nothing comes to mind. I'm finding it hard to convey what I'm trying to say, so another topic hit me yesterday as I was approaching 29 hours without a cell phone... yeah, tragedy, right? My trusty ol' iPhone met it's fate with a concrete floor Friday and I won't be able to get a replacement until later today. Doesn't seem like that big of a deal, I know, but even just 30 hours later I'm realizing how truly connected I am at all times. If it's not blogging it's Twitter, or Instagram, or browsing the internet and forums. Sometimes it's playing games or reading tabloids. Then when I'm really desperate, Facebook. I honestly can't tell you the longest I've gone without checking my phone... it's always in my hand. (Also why I lose it so much... instead of just leaving it in my purse where it belongs, I conveniently put it down somewhere and forget!) I went to work Friday night without a phone. No way to call, text, email or communicate with anyone who wasn't in my bar. No weekend work rants on Twitter. No cries for entertainment on Tumblr. Nothing. And you know what? It was kind of nice. I still don't know what calls or texts I've missed. I have no clue what's going on on Instagram. I've missed days worth of the "photo a day" prompts... and I'm strangely fine. I've grown so accustomed to having that thin piece of technology permanently attached to my person, I've forgotten what it's like to just step away from the internet. Maybe bloggers are especially prone to this sort of addiction, considering we all share so much of our lives online. Strangers and friends alike can keep tabs on us. Thanks to social media, I am always up to date on what Sally Jo ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner... daily. It's not all newsworthy press, sure. But there are those gems you stumble across thanks to the internet super highway. Still, I've had to ask myself the past two days, how connected is too connected? It's a total first world problem to be without my cellphone, that's a no-brainer... but what did we all do before the internet? Before cellphones? Before smartphones?! 

I remember getting the internet for my 12th birthday... it was this exciting new place. I made friends almost instantly. Some of those I still talk to today! I played sports in school, and hung out with friends, but I never had homework so if I were home, I was on the 'net. (The 'Net! Ah, nostalgia!) Not too long after my introduction to the interwebs, I started a LiveJournal. I bet some of you had those right?! That's where I learned how to overshare. Oh gosh, I can't even. I'm eternally embarrassed by the hefty majority of things I wrote on the internet prior to 2010. It's true. Anyway, blogging has taught that there is such a thing as oversharing. I've read blogs in the past that just... golly, put it all out there, to put it nicely! Even as recently as a month or two ago I've decided topics that just don't need to be discussed via open internet. We all have our fine lines... what you choose to discuss via your outlet is your call. We all feel differently about it. But what amazes me is how tied we can be to the internet. Some people just have that need or desire to share things. I definitely fall into that category when it comes to Twitter. Half of my Twitter feed is just work rants and things I ate for lunch... stuff that doesn't even remotely matter to the general public. Yet I still share them. I'm reading this as I write it and laughing at myself because goodness knows that the minute I get my new iPhone (or get mine fixed, whatever the case may be) I'll be tweeting up a storm and Instagramming any and everything once more. It's so second nature to us. (And yes, I'm lumping you into that "us" even though "you" probably have more sense than I do when it comes to talking about your laundry detergent or asking a question on Twitter rather than just Googling it)

I've kind of built up this belief that I "can't live" without my iPhone. It does everything for me. Camera, phone, social media, internet, GPS, notepad, games, etc. It's a real piece of work, that's for sure. (Thanks Steve!) I can't go 2 hours without tweeting, I can't go 2 days without blogging. I almost start to feel a sort of "obligation" to do those things since I've chosen to share my world with everyone. It's so silly to say that and I know I'm going to be laughing/cringing in embarrassment when I publish this. (For those who don't know, Honest to Blog is free of any edits... so that's why this is so jumbled!) I've read blogs of people who have decided to cut back on the internet and step away for a while. Closing accounts here and there, and only partaking every once in a while. That mindset is awesome and I applaud anyone who does it, but I don't want it to have to come down to an "all or nothing" game for me. I know many bloggers choose to not blog on the weekends for whatever reason and like I mentioned earlier, some fence certain topics to keep off limits. Whatever the case may be, I just don't want to be that person who people constantly say "Why on Earth would she tell people that?!". Irrelevant food and off-hand thought tweets aside, it feels good to survey everything and see where I'm allocating my time and energy. It takes a lot of work to keep up with everyone's tweets, pictures and posts... seriously. On most days I don't even bother and I only follow ~250 people on Twitter. That's why when I get to a place like this, I ask myself "Who even cares?!?!" Harsh maybe, but sometimes I need to reign myself in I guess. 

This whole post isn't making much sense but I guess it's a forum for me to open up discussion and ask you how you handle your online time. I've mentioned Rescue Time before and even still, I haven't weaned myself off of my internet guilty pleasures. Do you have topics you deem to be totally off limits for internet conversation? Are you guilty of the silly irrelevant tweets like me? 

I know a gal who limits her online time to one hour a day (that's pretty impressive!) because that's what works for her. I don't think I could ever make that work for me (then again, once I become a mom I'll probably be all about it!) but it's worth a wonder. I've met so many wonderful people through the internet and I love keeping up with all of them (even if that means knowing exactly what brand chili powder they buy at the supermarket), but sometimes it's just too much. Sometimes it's nice to turn off the phone, avoid all email, and just enjoy present company. Watch a movie, go to the park, grab ice cream or go for a drive without the constant need to document it. This is totally anti-new year's resolution for me (to take more pictures/document "real life") but I'm hoping I can find a way to make both of them work simultaneously. There's that silly picture above and it's so spot on. A few months ago we were at the City and Colour show here in Nashville and Dallas asked the audience to just put the phones and cameras down for one song... just one. It amazed me how many people couldn't just sit for three minutes without snapping a photo. I understand trying to document memories and moments, but when does it cross over and become the problem? We miss so much of life's happenings because we're too busy figuring out our cameras or phones or letting the world know we just ate the most delicious panini at this cafe... It seems so counterproductive to blogging, but I'm curious if any of you have found ways to make the most of it, while still being able to share those adventures with the online world. 

This isn't one of those posts with a fool-proof answer as it's simply a matter of opinion. I know I'll be obsessively tweeting and Instagramming again later today but hopefully I can remember how nice it was to disconnect for a bit and enjoy life as it happens. Feel free to share your thoughts below if you have any. This lacks the drama or emotion that a lot of my HTB posts have, but I still thought it was worth touching base on!

Now I'm going to go enjoy some lovely friends who are showing at a bridal event today. Then I'll come home and recount how many tweets and pictures I share from said event and call myself a hypocrite! Have a lovely Sunday friends! xo

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Honest To Blog is a weekly free-writing series on LCH where I share my thoughts, feelings and frustrations with all of my readers. 100% unedited, unbiased, and sometimes unpopular, you can often find a boatload of typos just by glancing at it. Click here to read the rest of the series!

Honest To Blog -- Clocking Out

This week's Honest To Blog is probably going to do nothing but make me sound a bit neurotic to be quite frank. I tend to have a handful of HTB topics lined up (or even written) but this one is something that sort of reared it's head this week and I felt compelled to talk about it (in hopes that I can fix it!). Being that i'm about 90% self-employed (lacking the 5-10 hours a week I bartend), I've found that I simply can't stop working. I don't know how to just "hang out" at home. I can't lay on the couch and watch tv or go get coffee with Mike without constantly feeling the need to work. I chock it up to the instability of freelance work and self employment. I think it terrifies me that I'm not relying on a set paycheck or salary every single week. My bank account is simply what I make it. Lately I've found myself diving into fifteen projects at once just to make sure we're comfortable and we can save for our wedding and store. Even at the City and Colour show last week I was answering emails on my phone! It's a habit that I just can't quit.

(via ♥)

I guess working too much is slightly better than feeling too lazy to work at all, right? At this exact moment I'm working on fulfilling ebook orders, Kaelah's Closet orders, getting ready to launch Honeybean's online shoppe (tonight!), 2 website designs, 3 blog redesigns (with a 4th just being finished!), and my own personal projects and blogging. But I love that feeling. I love being busy. I love the feeling of crossing things off of my to do list and marking another project done. It's almost like it's an addiction.

After a few nights of 15 hour days on the ebook, Mike started to notice that I really just couldn't stop. It was 11pm and I was still on the computer, typing away, responding to emails while a document loaded or saved. At one point he came and physically removed me from my computer and sat me down on the couch. The other day he took me for a an hour and a half coffee date just so that I wouldn't come home and work on design projects.The good thing about our little date was that it ended up being one of the most inspiring talks we've ever had. I'm so grateful to have someone in my life that understands my incessant need to work or be doing something. But at the same time, I need to learn that it's okay to step away. It's okay to take a break or take a day off. (I actually started writing this for Sunday, November 20th, but then decided to take the day "off" to go with Mike to a photoshoot. So now I'm picking it back up!)

A lot of it too has to be the product of my computer/work station being smack in the middle of our house, and our house has no walls therefore I can see my computer from every single corner of our loft. It's almost as if it taunts me. "You could be kerning that text! You could be coding that layout! You could be answering your emails as soon as you receive them!" Plus, when your blog is so personally driven, it's hard not to think about it at all times when you're out doing things!

I'm not complaining in the slightest. I love my job. I love that "work" doesn't really feel like "work". I love the ability to make a living doing things I'm passionate about and being able to share it with all of y'all. I just wish I had a better "schedule". I even have to schedule in ukulele practice or an episode of Dexter. I'll work right up to it and most likely after. I know I need to find a balance, however, simply to avoid getting burnt out and abandoning everything at once. It's an exciting time in our household and we're taking great measures to ensure we get to share the Honeybean Dream with you. It just happens to be exhausting in the process (which makes for better sleep! :P) 

(source)

With that being said, I have to ask... How many of you work from home or have found yourself in a similar position? How do you delegate what will happen today vs. tomorrow, and how do you know when it's time to walk away for the evening? I've tried working "set hours" but I always find myself in front of the tv looking at my computer and thinking "I could just go answer 10 emails..." How do you decide to clock out for the day? If you've never experienced this before, maybe you still have an idea you could share? Let me hear it! I'm all ears! 

Now, I've got some designs to tend to! ;) Happy Sunday, honeybees!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Honest To Blog is a weekly free-writing feature where I talk about things that are silly, frustrating, or whatever else. Sometimes they don't make sense, and sometimes they're controversial. But they're honest!

Honest To Blog -- Sunshine + Skittles

This week's Honest To Blog is one I think all bloggers have to face at one time or another. The feeling of needing to be overtly positive to gain attention/readers, and the feeling of dishonesty that might come with only sharing the good parts. Danielle wrote a really great post on this last week and I think she highlights the problem perfectly. Here are my thoughts:

I really started to get into writing this blog while/after I had broken things off with my boyfriend of three years. Times weren't exactly easy, but I saw this blog as a way to document to awesome things that came as a result of taking initiative in my life. I saw that breakup as a way to reinvent myself to be happier, healthier, and much more positive. I had found myself to be pessimistic in that relationship, and that was just one reason it was an unhealthy one. So that was that, I had a blog! I had a blog where I was going to share all the awesome things life had to offer. Everything was positive, and I rarely had a rant or "Debbie Downer" post anywhere. I was undeniably inspired by other positive-powered blogs and I wanted that happiness that they seemed to have. They had it all going for them. A great readership, their blogs paying the bills, and what seemed to be an overall magical life. I wanted that too!

My blog was a happy place. It still is, I think! I aimed to speak to other girls just like me. Letting them know they could have a perfectly manicured life, too. But after a while I started feeling like there were some holes that needed to be filled. Do I consider myself a positive person? Absolutely. Do I consider my blog to be a positive place? I really do. Does positive necessarily have to be void of some of life's "trickier" moments? Yes... wait... no? I think I'm slowly but surely learning that it doesn't.

To be, being positive means finding the bright side of any situation. Even if that means a really, really bad situation. Having these Honest To Blog posts has helped me balance the need to be "real" and upfront with all of y'all, but still find the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes knowing that you're not the only one who thinks these things or doesn't have a "perfect" life, well, that's reassuring. 

I don't read those blogs as often as I did. I'm not sure why. I like a well-maintained life as much as the next person but I don't want to find myself constantly wondering "What is her real deal?" When we're presented with a totally trimmed blog that only shares the good things, we're left to decide what we believe: 1) They have the most amazing life ever. Nothing ever goes wrong for them. They don't have financial issues, they don't argue with their significant others, they don't ever stress out, and they don't ever cry. Or 2) They're so crazy they have to leave all of that out. Disclaimer: I don't think people are actually crazy for leaving out the bad stuff... I don't blame them. My point here is that as a reader of these blogs, it often leaves us feeling inadequate in that department. Like our life isn't "magical" enough to be that perfect.

Blogs are edited content. Partially fact, partially fiction. Fact in the sense that this is what really happens in our lives, but fiction in regard to the fact this isn't all that happens. I get emails asking all the time "You and Mike are so perfect. You never seem to fight. What is the secret?" The Secret?! The secret is not blogging every time we don't agree on dinner or plans. I feel like when things get blogged, they undoubtedly get magnified. If I were to blog that we had a disagreement, someone out there would take that and spin it to make it sound like we were destined for failure. If you don't blog them, people exaggerate it and assume that you're just the epitome of perfection. There's a line and you have to decide where you stand as a blogger. 

I'm a life and style blogger. I blog about my life, and I blog about my style. It's fun, but that's not all I do. I've had anons take jabs at me saying "Why don't you get a real job? When you say you're working you're obviously just blogging." Actually no. Far from. At the end of the day it's my freelance design work that pays the bills (along with Mike's job). I don't often blog about a lot of my design work because it's not really all that relevant to LCH. I know that by not sharing this aspect of my life, I'm undoubtedly going to become the target of "You don't have a real job!" comments. Ultimately that leads to more emails about being a full time blogger. (While I consider blogging a full time job, I'm not sustained by my blog 100%. Not even close! (I wish!)) I've gone off on a tangent but my point is this: You have to decide what is worthy to go online. Just because you don't read it on someone's blog doesn't mean it's not there. And just because you do read something doesn't necessarily mean you should take it at face value.

At the end of the day we are all curated journals. Blogs aren't a "tell all" piece of work, or an unbiased/unedited look into people's lives. I choose not to blog pictures of me with a big ol pimple on my face... that doesn't mean I never get them! We choose pictures of ourselves that are the most flattering, we don't post the ones where we have a double chin or wonky eye. I think as a blog writer we have the obligation to present ourselves in a way that isn't overly dramatized. That doesn't mean blog all of your troubles, it just means don't act like they don't happen. Even if you don't want to tell the world you have them, don't claim you don't. As blog readers we have the obligation to read blogs with a certain understanding that what they're putting out there is edited. It's never the full story (and if it is, someone needs to get that blogger a filter!). Blogging is not the Big Brother house. Not everything needs to be broadcasted. 

I love having a positive blog. I love being told that my blog, among others, brings happiness to some readers. My blog will continue to be a place of positivity, but that doesn't mean my life with get any less stressful. (Seriously, if you want to know how I am 99% of the time, peep my twitter. That's where I get all of my rants out! :P) Moral of the story: Don't let other blogs make you feel inadequate because your life isn't all sunshine and skittles. Don't feel "less than" because you don't look as flawless all the time or because you and your boyfriend argue over the date night movie. All bloggers have these issues, even if they're not showing them!

If you're a blogger, do you ever feel the pressure to present a perfectly curated blog? If you're just a reader, do you take a blog at face value or do you keep in mind other circumstances that may not make it to the cutting board?

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Honest To Blog is a weekly free-writing series on LCH where I share my thoughts, feelings and frustrations with all of my readers. 100% unedited, unbiased, and sometimes unpopular, you can often find a boatload of typos just by glancing at it. Click here to read the rest of the series!

PS; I have been asked by multiple people if they could use the Honest To Blog series on their blog and I say go for it! Please just give an attribution link to me or my series, and be sure to leave a link for me to  check out in the comments! I'd love to read what you have to say!

PPS; I've been asked to write a post on how I stay positive so I'll try to get to that this next week!