// Honest To Blog: Growing Up Is Hard

Y'all, I'm just gonna give it to you straight: getting older is the pits. I mean, it's not all bad. I do appreciate that I can now, at the age of 25, legally rent a car "just because" and I like that my car insurance has gone down... but other than that? Meh. I spend far too much time sitting and thinking about growing up. I remember being in middle school and thinking that 22 was the magic number. At 22 you totally had it together... You were graduating college, getting a "real" job, and all of that jazz. Now I see 22 in my rear view mirror and I can't help but feel slightly defeated at times.

"Success" and being an "adult" are totally relative things. They mean different things to different people, and I'm sure my version of it (or lack thereof) is wild compared to someone else's. Yet I can't help but sit down and think "When will I be a grown up? When will I get my crap together? When will I feel like I know what I'm doing with my life?!" It's kind of sad how many posts I write about this very topic on this very blog, but it's truly something that I feel has "plagued" me these past few years. Like, I'm legitimately responsible for keeping a small child alive... every single day! No matter how childish I feel, I still have to wake this kid up, feed him, dress him, teach him, etc. That's crazy to me. How can you be responsible for another life when you feel like a child yourself?

I feel pretty lucky that my biggest "problems" aren't really problems usually. Sometimes I get flustered that I won't score enough freelance work for the month, or something crazy will happen and our budget will be totally blown (it happens far too often than it should), but who doesn't have those thoughts? When I talk to people older than myself about "the tough times" it always amazes me about how many of them admit to basically living on Ramen and skipping the heat in their 20's. I feel like I've just always assumed that the other 20-somethings out there had their crap together and they didn't always feel like massive losers haha! Granted we don't live on Ramen and we have plenty of heat (thank goodness!), but I still worry about being self-employed and supporting a family without a "real" (read: corporate) job. I worry that I put my fingers in too many pies and that I've become more of a "jack of all trades" and a master at none. Ya know what I'm saying?! Anyone?! I tweeted something along those lines last night and I know it must've hit close to home to loads of people because my mentions feed was full of people favoriting that one. C'mon! It's nice to know you're not alone, right?

I know that I have a lot of readers that are older than me... I've received emails and comments from gals in their 30's, 40's, 50's, and even a lady in her 60's once. (Seriously, you don't even know how tickled I was to be on the receiving end of that email... it was like a crazy rad compliment) I bet I have plenty of readers who are way younger than me that honestly have twice the life experience that I do... and with that I want to ask you one thing: What kind of "obstacle" did you have to overcome when you were "growing up?" 

I'm sure plenty of you are in the same boat as me, regardless of age... feeling like you're still not a legitimate adult. But even still, you've experienced things! You've traveled the world on pennies. You've raised a house full of children on your own. You worked and paid your own way through college. You overcame your own self doubt and became the most baller version of yourself. Whatever it is that you've tackled, I want to hear about it! I need to hear about it.

Some days it's hard to just do daily tasks because they feel like they're leading to some distant dead end. I want to chase my passions and live my dreams as much as the next person, but I also don't want to be totally jaded about it. Does that make sense?

So what was the hardest chunk of time for you? The most trying? How long did it last and how did you come out on the other side of it? Do you have feelings like this, too? Gimme some good things to read here, y'all! Some days I feel like throwing in the towel and getting a corporate job haha I mean, I know that won't solve my problem of feeling like I'm in limbo, but at least it'd be a routine I could count on. Basically I just need to know that this sort of limbo-feeling isn't forever... that I will figure out my path before too terribly long. It's hard to have one set direction when you're constantly pulling yourself three or four ways, ya know? Inspire me (please)! xo

Remember this feature? I haven't done one in a long time (for a multitude of reasons... maybe I'll share those one day!) but I felt like it was as good of a day as any. It's been on my mind. -- Honest to Blog is a free-writing feature where I just write whatever my mind is thinking at the time... no filter, no edits. Feel free to browse the other HTB posts here.


  1. Totally can relate to you! As you know I am a full time artist and photographer, I still struggle and worry..thinking of the future especially...whether I would be earning enough dosh for having a life with my boyfriend and maybe a family. Sometimes I feel trapped and start to toy with the idea of getting a stable job but I know know that I wont be as happy and not sounding selfish, I want to be happy with what I do for living. Some days I feel very positive that I will get there someday.

    Great post, great writing too girl!

    Katrina Sophia Blog

  2. oh my god, KB i know exact how you're feeling...actually i just wrote about a very similar subject. but holy crap, its nice to know i'm not the only one feeling this way. i'm getting more and more nervous about graduation and finding that corporate job, that i don't want. i wish i had some more comforting words to share, but just know you're not alone. much love, mama!



  3. I think I truly realized I was an "adult" when we were supporting and caring for my father-in-law during the final stages of his terminal brain cancer. It is naturall to watch your parents grow old and age, but I never thought that such a defining moment would come when it was so painfully obvious the parent-child roles had been reversed and that is was now time for me to assume the responsibility of being a care-taker for a 61 year old man.

    I am 30 years old. There are days where I still feel like I am a teenager. I don't know if there is a point in life when you can feel yourself becoming an adult, or just wake up one day and realize that you are. Both my sisters have children, and both still say they find themselves in disbelief that these kids are actually theirs. My husband and I are the appointed legal guardians of all of our nieces should anything happen to their parents (god forbid) and sometimes I think how surreal it is that my siblings view me as "adult" enough to be a suitable guardian for their kids. I didn't have to think for a second to say yes to that honour and responsibility, but it is surreal nonetheless.

    I guess what I am trying to say is that there are times in our lives when our age and experience are painfully obvious - but there are also those carefree moments where we feel so young that we can't believe our age is actually ours.

    I try to view growing old as a blessing - so many people don't have the chance, so instead of hiding my age, I now wear it as a badge of pride.

    1. I loved everything you just said! I feel like a teenager sometimes and sometimes I feel overwhelmed with reponsibility. I don't think anyone can ever balance the two.

  4. 25 was my hardest year. I felt that by that age, I should have my life all together. Instead, I was living in Arizona in the White Mountains, working with Native American children and drawing a missionary level paycheck... which was pretty much peanuts.
    Once I took a step back and realized that my life may not be like the other people I grew up with (who were all getting degrees, working "real" jobs, getting married, having kids), but my life is EXACTLY what I needed it to be, I had my "ah-HA!" moment.
    And now that I AM married, with a child on the way, at the age of 28, oh MAN, do I miss those days of not knowing what's going to happen next.
    Now that I'm "grown up", I know what comes next... cleaning the house, preparing the nursery, etc. And I get a little heartsick at the loss of my travel adventures. However, this baby adventure we're on is pretty exciting! ;)

  5. Truthfully at 31, 25 was tough. I dreaded 30. I don't have any money, I haven't achieved a thing, and nothing about is near being a grown up. I hate it. With a passion. But at 30, I realized I had finally hit the dreaded number when you know you aren't young anymore and there was nothing left to dread. Things will come together on their own time

  6. And they certainly weren't going to come together by 30 anymore.... So basically for me, 30 was liberating. :)

  7. I dunno, lady, I think you're a pretty awesome grown-up! You've got an adorable family and are super talented. Those two things alone will take you super far!

    I'm 26, and I think the thing that I struggle with right now is Doing It All Myself. This isn't to say I don't have support, because I certainly do, but every few months I get really overwhelmed of being in charge of everything in my household. I live by myself, so I'm in charge of the cooking, cleaning, bill paying, work, decorating, cat care taking, etc. It's not bad, but sometimes I'm a little embarrassed by how overwhelming it can get.

    I think we all struggle and feel like we're not good at being grown-ups from time to time. The thing to remember is that we're all doing our best, and no one is perfect!

    Ladyface Blog

  8. I can relate completely to this feeling of being a bit lost, between what you want for yourself, whats best and whats achievable. After graduating from uni I (like most of the other people here in Ireland and the UK) struggled to find a job, let alone one I had any interest in. Ended up becoming a nanny to 6 kids (loved the kids but the parents treated me like a maid) which wasn't very fulfilling. After 3 years of that, being in a dead end "career" I decided to take things into my own hands and change things up, I decided to persue something I had always wanted to but never felt I was capable - with nothing to lose I picked up a distance learning course in Journalism. On the side i started making shoes for income to support myself while I focused on studies. I threw myself into it completely. Fast forward to the good part... I am now working as acting editor for Irelands best selling interiors magazine and I love it. I will never take it forgranted though because the feeling of being lost really is consuming.

    Like you, I felt I was spreading myself too thin, too scared to commit to just one thing incase it didn't pan out and I'd be left back where I started. Having been self employed before, I personally feel like a weight has been lifted knowing that there is a wage there for me at the end of the month. Of course it helps that I now love what I do.

    Wish I could help a bit more but if i was to give you advice based on my experience, trust your gut and focus. :)

  9. I'm 24 and feel this way ALL. THE. TIME. I wonder when it will all click for me, or if I'm making the right decisions now. I worry about money and my budget constantly. I chock it up to a quarter-life crisis. I haven't traveled a tremendous amount, I have student loans, I don't have children yet. But I believe my "heroes tale" is centered around growing as a person, learning compassion (for others, but most importantly for myself), responsibility, love (how to maintain a mutual and fully-functioning relationship with another person without running screaming into the night), and respect. As a moderately bratty only-child with lots of body-image issues...having something click at 24 that said "You are better than you've ever given yourself credit for" has been the most rewarding experience for me.

  10. Yeah I'm pretty sure every single person feels this way, whether or not they'll admit it. Sometimes I feel like a huge loser and a failure, sometimes I'm amazed at how much I have and what I get to do every day.

  11. I had to grow up fast. I was diagnosed with a muscle illness at 15. Im 27 now and only seeing the light now. Im slowly but surely beating this. But not without a kot of medication and doctors. But I do feel like you do. I think it is a matter of being grateful. You are following your dream. And how many people (older) wish they did that instead? But I do believe things will get better. And i do want to believe that at one point when you look back you will realise that wow things are great right now...

  12. i don't know. i like getting older. i turned 29 this year and i finally feel like people are taking me seriously.

  13. Ok... First off you are only in your 20s and look how long it took you to get there. We all have the "why are we hear" and "is this what I should be doing" . These all come with, I hate to admit it, Growing up. lol. I turned 36 this year, and wondered alot about what ifs and when I was younger I thought I would be this or be here or there, and while its good to have aspirations life as a way of guiding you to what ever you are to be doing at the time... I think what I am learning in this rip ol age of 36 (lol) is that I just need to slow down and enjoy what I have right here right now.

    You have to remember that you are *and this is true* an inspiration to many people, you will never truly know how many lives you affect. But make it count, put everything into it, be loving and supportive and Happy. You have a little one that looks up to you and cherishes you, they will be forever their, loving you unconditionally *and you the same*. I think you are doing great, go with your gut, it very rarely ever stears you wrong.

    Sorry for the ramble... But I love your blog and felt that this is a subject that everyone thinks about, and I for one am very glad to be able to share in this conversation.

  14. Ok... First off you are only in your 20s and look how long it took you to get there. We all have the "why are we hear" and "is this what I should be doing" . These all come with, I hate to admit it, Growing up. lol. I turned 36 this year, and wondered alot about what ifs and when I was younger I thought I would be this or be here or there, and while its good to have aspirations life as a way of guiding you to what ever you are to be doing at the time... I think what I am learning in this rip ol age of 36 (lol) is that I just need to slow down and enjoy what I have right here right now.

    You have to remember that you are *and this is true* an inspiration to many people, you will never truly know how many lives you affect. But make it count, put everything into it, be loving and supportive and Happy. You have a little one that looks up to you and cherishes you, they will be forever their, loving you unconditionally *and you the same*. I think you are doing great, go with your gut, it very rarely ever stears you wrong.

    Sorry for the ramble... But I love your blog and felt that this is a subject that everyone thinks about, and I for one am very glad to be able to share in this conversation.

  15. It's really inspiring that you make a living as a freelancer. I have a sort of corporate office job, blogging at least, but it's super boring. I definitely admire that!

    For me, the hardest year was my second year in NYC. I think it was because the first year, my parents helped me while I interned and worked part time, but after that, I had to swim on my own. Now I'm in my third year..or halfway into my fourth maybe and I feel like I have it together, but am also not where I want to be. I love writing for xojane, bust and my blog but working at an office 45 hours a week makes it hard to keep up with my side passions. I have a lot of goals, but we'll see where my experience takes me.

    I am crossing a milestone this month though and getting my first apartment on my own. I'm so excited!!!


  16. OMG! The story of my life! You are so right feeling all this stuff. I'm 32 and still haven't figured out what I'm doing with my life. You are really lucky you have a purpose and that you're pursuing the life you love. I'm in a point of feeling exhausted and disappointed because my job is a mess and although I've tried pursuing a career in handmade business, maybe I haven't tried hard enough, so well... I'm now stuck in a dead end, not knowing whatmy "calling" is anymore. Again, you are really lucky, and don't worry, as long as you are happy with what you're doing and with the life you're living everything else is figureoutabe. ;-) Take care!

  17. Thanks for posting this Kaelah... as a corporate job worker but also a creative person, I often want to leave the stability of a corporate job for freelance work. I always had it in my head that people who do creative freelance are so lucky because they get to do what they love and never have to answer to a boss, etc. But I didn't think about the financial worries you guys go through or other insecurities. That being said... I do love the corporate world for its stability, but what you have is a lovely life and it's amazing you can live off of your pure talent and creativity. Your worries are absolutely justified... but you've been fine this far, and your work is so great, I know you'll continue to thrive. I'm proud to have you as my blog designer! Hang in there and don't let fear get the best of you.

    Much love,


  18. I'm about to turn 31, and still feel like this all the time. I feel so much like a kid that I can't imagine having a kid. My husband is about to turn 40, and he does not have it all together either. Not sure if I want a kid or just want to be a kid again. Being a kid was the best. You didn't have any bills to pay or any worries that went beyond who you would ask over for a play date. At 25 I got married and remembered thinking should I be settling down, or should I be exploring the world? Doors close and other doors open. I have a corporate job and still worry about money and spend all my time day dreaming about owning my own business. It's hard, because the grass isn't always greener. What you're doing is amazing! I look at the life you've created and am in awe of it. Things will get easier, though, because you'll just realize that you'll never have that adult arrival moment and it will be ok. Not sure if any of this rambling helped, but I really identified with this post and have a lot of the same feelings. Hang in there, and I hope you have a great day:)

  19. I think I've commented on every HTB feature you've done, Kaelah! I'm going to be 34 in march and I feel you so much on this one. I JUST got married, as in a few months ago. When I was younger I knew I was gonna be married by 20 and have a house that I could decorate just how I liked it. At 20!! Hahahaha. Man, I was way off on that one. Life is hard, and I think that our generation has it harder than the last. We have so many options, so many paths to choose from. The generations before us had such rigid limits and boundaries. Having so many options is overwhelming so it's no wonder that a lot of us 20 and 30 somethings feel lost in the mix. It's even harder to get out there and make a "name" for yourself these days too because the world is so much smaller than it used to be thanks to the internet. The biggest obstacle I've ever had to overcome was myself. Getting in the way of allowing myself to be successful (whatever that looks like), telling myself I was only good enough to date this guy or that guy, telling myself it was okay to be used by said guys, telling myself that I wasn't pretty enough or thin enough or anything enough. I have spent the past ten years working on my self and I can honestly say now that I am a worthwhile human being, that I deserve happiness and that I am "enough" of everything. Growing up doesn't have to be such a bummer, and you are still so young. Yes, you are married and have a child, but that doesn't mean you have to be a stick in the mud. You are only as old as you feel--that's the truth. I have a feeling you won't stop being "plagued" by these thoughts, but just know that your life is what you make it. And if you stop, take a second and look around you, you might just find that what you have is a pretty okay life...and that's perfectly fine if it makes you happy!

  20. It's so nice reading this post (and these comments) because 25 seems to be the dreaded age we're all going through!! I'm 25 with a 9-5 job and four kids and a husband and a mortgage and all of these little "checklist items" that, in my mind, should make me feel SO grown up. But I don't! I feel immature and insecure, and it's like I'm waiting for this magical "someone" to come along and validate my life.


    I don't know about you (all) but I am so tired of waiting and feeling inadequate and comparing myself to everyone else -- obviously, we're all doing alright, even when we're not. We're getting by and we're getting there, wherever "there" may be for each of us.

    I think there used to be such a set ideology of what one was supposed to "look like" by certain ages, and our generation has completely shattered those conceptions and restrictions -- we just haven't let go of the preconceived notions we had. OF OURSELVES!

    Does any of that make sense? Sorry for the ramble!

  21. If I even began to tell you my story, I would have ended up writing an entire book on all the excuses and awful/great things that happened up to this point to make me feel like a failure to society, and myself. I am 28 and most of the time there isn't even a light at the end of the tunnel. I think having an optimistic approach to life and the striving to overcome obstacles is whst has seen me through. Still, I remain torn between feminism and my abilities vs. love of family everyday.

  22. If I even began to tell you my story, I would have ended up writing an entire book on all the excuses and awful/great things that happened up to this point to make me feel like a failure to society, and myself. I am 28 and most of the time there isn't even a light at the end of the tunnel. I think having an optimistic approach to life and the striving to overcome obstacles is whst has seen me through. Still, I remain torn between feminism and my abilities vs. love of family everyday.

  23. If I even began to tell you my story, I would have ended up writing an entire book on all the excuses and awful/great things that happened up to this point to make me feel like a failure to society, and myself. I am 28 and most of the time there isn't even a light at the end of the tunnel. I think having an optimistic approach to life and the striving to overcome obstacles is whst has seen me through. Still, I remain torn between feminism and my abilities vs. love of family everyday.

  24. If I even began to tell you my story, I would have ended up writing an entire book on all the excuses and awful/great things that happened up to this point to make me feel like a failure to society, and myself. I am 28 and most of the time there isn't even a light at the end of the tunnel. I think having an optimistic approach to life and the striving to overcome obstacles is whst has seen me through. Still, I remain torn between feminism and my abilities vs. love of family everyday.

  25. If I even began to tell you my story, I would have ended up writing an entire book on all the excuses and awful/great things that happened up to this point to make me feel like a failure to society, and myself. I am 28 and most of the time there isn't even a light at the end of the tunnel. I think having an optimistic approach to life and the striving to overcome obstacles is whst has seen me through. Still, I remain torn between feminism and my abilities vs. love of family everyday.

  26. If I even began to tell you my story, I would have ended up writing an entire book on all the excuses and awful/great things that happened up to this point to make me feel like a failure to society, and myself. I am 28 and most of the time there isn't even a light at the end of the tunnel. I think having an optimistic approach to life and the striving to overcome obstacles is whst has seen me through. Still, I remain torn between feminism and my abilities vs. love of family everyday.

  27. If I even began to tell you my story, I would have ended up writing an entire book on all the excuses and awful/great things that happened up to this point to make me feel like a failure to society, and myself. I am 28 and most of the time there isn't even a light at the end of the tunnel. I think having an optimistic approach to life and the striving to overcome obstacles is whst has seen me through. Still, I remain torn between feminism and my abilities vs. love of family everyday.

  28. If I even began to tell you my story, I would have ended up writing an entire book on all the excuses and awful/great things that happened up to this point to make me feel like a failure to society, and myself. I am 28 and most of the time there isn't even a light at the end of the tunnel. I think having an optimistic approach to life and the striving to overcome obstacles is whst has seen me through. Still, I remain torn between feminism and my abilities vs. love of family everyday.

  29. If I even began to tell you my story, I would have ended up writing an entire book on all the excuses and awful/great things that happened up to this point to make me feel like a failure to society, and myself. I am 28 and most of the time there isn't even a light at the end of the tunnel. I think having an optimistic approach to life and the striving to overcome obstacles is whst has seen me through. Still, I remain torn between feminism and my abilities vs. love of family everyday.

  30. It's funny how we all think that we'll graduate college and magically become grown-ups. There will always be struggles in the day to day, but I think being in your 20's is the hardest for most people. There's just so much to figure out!

    I'm 33, and feel like I really know myself. I didn't in my 20's. I don't like to think about the concept of being "grown up". It sounds so stuffy and uptight. I'm responsible, but ridiculous. I like to be silly.

    I think you should just enjoy life as it comes. Get shit done. Deal with the crap that comes your way. You'll continue to grow, regardless. Don't worry about the labels. xoxo

  31. Like you, I sort of felt like I would have my stuff together by my mid-20s; but honestly I didn't feel like an "adult" in the way that I thought adults should until I turned 30...and even now 4 years later, I'm still not completely convinced :-)

    I spent most of my 20s trying to get ahead in the corporate world and while I've had some amazing experiences (travelling the world being a big one), the job didn't satisfy my spirit...go figure, it was never supposed to; but I didn't know that.

    I'm still in the corporate job and rely on it for a paycheck; but spend my time doing things that I want to do. My biggest hurdles have to be self-doubt and comparison to others.

    It is important to realize that while we all want to be individuals, there is security in knowing that we are not alone in our feelings.

  32. I am 22--and I'm very content with where I'm at. I think not comparing yourself to the imaginary lives our own minds create for others really helps. I know I'm not very settled down--I don't have any financial "assets" like some do, but I have my priorities right where I want them. :)

  33. The coolest thing about being in your 40's is.....you kinda know a lot. Not like a "know it all", but you know stuff. Wisdom to share and confidence to speak up for yourself or others. The confidence is so much fun for me, I really love it!

    I don't like the aches and health issues but if you take care of yourself that's not much of an issue. REALLY the fountain of youth is treating yourself well, mind, body and soul.

  34. I'm only a few years ahead of you, and I'm starting to think that we never stop feeling this way. I know that what has helped me find balance when I'm having trouble with priorities and capacity is to JUST SAY NO. Figure out what's important and realize that you can't win'em all. Pick your battles, eh? Growing up is SO HARD and we realize every day just how much we took for granted in the days our parents and teachers directed our lives.

    But do you know what's different today from the 20-somethings of yesteryear? The internet. Social media. We are inundated daily with the Instagram-filtered celebratory posts from other people our age, comparing ourselves even when we don't mean to. Someone once said comparison is the thief of joy... I believe it. We have this messed up view that perception is reality online, and the happy train of baby posts and new cars and shiny objects is a downer when we're in a rut.

    P.S. Mint.com is DA BOMB for managing your budget. It's also an iPhone app. It is totally secure and endorsed, and I can look at checking, savings, credit cards, 401K, IRA, investments, everything all in one place. It's free! And it can reassure you when you're going cross-eyed looking at invoices and bills and paperwork and all that.

  35. I can absolutely relate to you, but I am in the opposite boat! I have the corporate job and the secure paycheck, yet I want to be in your position. I want to be my own boss, I want to figure out my own hours, I want to run my own schedule so when fun life things happen, I can enjoy them instead of being in an office all day. I just turned 25, I am married with a baby on the way. I do not feel "grown up" at all. I feel like I have all these dreams and goals before I "become who I want to be" which apparently equals being a grown up in my mind.

  36. I'm in the middle of thy 30th and I don't feel like an adult yet. When I talk with people who are older than me, I feel like that small little 16 years old girl which has no clue how the life works.

    I overcome a divorce and with this a first marriage which wasn't the best someone can have. With a big bang end.

    At the moment I try to overcome my mental and psychosomatic issues.

    The journey to grow up don't end before we die.

    ♡ Mel xoxo

  37. I totally get where you're coming from! I've been living paycheck to paycheck for the last year of my life. And I don't mean there's no room for luxury, I mean there's almost no room for food half the time! Rent and utilities and bills and gas and everything is SO stressful. I'm a student so I don't feel too bad about it, but stability seems so so far off. Almost like it will never happen!!

  38. i'm 28 and i still don't feel like i have it together. i'm married, own my house, have a descent job, but dang i don't know what i'm doing! the question of whether to have a kid or not has been coming up a lot lately and I just can't commit! i feel like "but i'm not a grown up yet! i can't take care of a kid!" haha. I wonder if anyone ever really feels like they have it all figured out.

  39. I'm only one year older than you (26) and have had a variety of jobs, and I'm currently working retail. I envy your ability to support a family on two freelance incomes (I assume). My heart aches due to my lack of creativity. I dream of being a freelancer, or owning my own shop, or having SOMETHING of my own--but it's really just a pipe dream. Right now all my hard work just goes toward the corporate retail cycle, and I see very little gratification in it. I just keep telling myself I'm building skills (sales, management) that I may be able to use to open my own shop someday.

  40. I'm 25 too and I definitely think I'm in the hardest part.

    My teens and my carefree uni days still seem so fresh in my mind, but now I'm at the beginning of decades of slugging through full-time work 5 days a week. I'm sure I won't feel this way in 10 years but it's difficult right now.

    Then there's the "grown up" worries: When am I going to get married? Have children? Buy a house? EEEK!


  41. Oh my gosh, right now my husband and I both work half hour away from home and both of our vehicles have crapped out. One is going to cost a month's wage to fix! We're thankfully living with my dad while we get on our feet after moving provinces, and we're unfortunately relying on one of their vehicles right now. I seriously don't want to be an adult right now.

    I'm also dealing with workplace bullying. I've been up since 6am applying for job after job to get out of that situation! It's a very trying time.

    Your HTB posts are always exactly what's on my mind! Thank you for being honest!

  42. Chin up :) Have you heard of the term "quarter life crisis". Well, you're there right now. Not fully an "adult" but not an adolescent either. My mid twenties were the worst years of my life. I promise it get's better. At 34 i feel like I finally know myself. In my twenties I was definitely my biggest challenge/problem. Always wanting to be more, better, older, somewhere else. Work hard and these things just tend to work themselves out.


  43. This entire post was golden; thank you for sharing! I completely understand everything that you mentioned above, even though I'm only sixteen years old…which takes me into something that I've struggled a great deal with lately.

    I've been homeschooled since the middle of 6th grade, and I finished out my Sophomore year this Spring. I went from a homeschooled Sophomore this Spring, to a College Freshman this Fall..that's right, I'm in college! I'm in the Visual Communications program at my Community College, and I'm going to freelance with the knowledge from my degree. It has been insane, as it's a 45 minute drive one way, I had to learn to drive a stick shift to get down there, I'm full time with 14 credits (5 classes) and my anxiety gets me EVERY.DAY.
    But, I have really been able to step out of my comfort zone and experience new things! It's crazy, but exhilarating. Whenever something bad happens, I came up with a saying. I cry or scream (whatever is needed) and then I sigh and say "Such is life. I just have to keep moving forward. It's in the past and things will get better." It's helped a lot!

    Good luck with everything you're juggling! You're doing amazing(:

    -XO Abbigayle Rashae

  44. I feel like there is an unspoken rule that we're all supposed to pretend we aren't losing our minds and totally confused about where our life is going. And so we look around and see these peacefully successful facades everyone has up. And it just reinforces the nagging thought of, "I'm lagging behind, I'm not living up to my potential, I'm not contributing as much as I should be to society, etc etc"

    The truth? We're all lost. And that person you see that has it together is also wondering when they're going to grow up.

    For me, its comforting to think of my mom when she was my age and then look to where she is now. She conquered so much while being poor and a single mother raising three children in her twenties and thirties; she's always been my best friend and role model.

    xx Rachel Kathryn

  45. my mom left me when i was 16 and i lived on my own in an apartment the rest of high school. and paying off my college loans, STILL at 26. that suuuucks. other days i wake up and think "i have a husband. and a new baby. and im 26!" and that doesnt even feel like i am old enough to have either. hahaha. so messed up i can be!
    great post my dear :)

  46. Back in my 20's I felt the same way. Now, at 32, I feel at peace. I think after I turned 30 a lot of things changed for me. I realized I didn't need to be perfect and I didn't need to compare myself to others. I needed to be happy with myself, for myself. After 30 I stopped trying to compete and figure out who I was and just appreciated all the little obstacles that made me who I am. I am me, for better or for worse.

  47. Oh goodness, I've written very similar blog posts soo recently. It's funny because I am IN the corporate world and I don't think I feel any more accomplished or any more safe than you do. I still feel like I don't have my crap together and the worst part is that I spend 40+ hours a week forcing myself to use my brain power on something that makes me want to poke out my eyes. Okay, it's not that horrible.. but in my mind it sometimes feels like it is. I read your blog and think things like, "WHY can't I be as motivated and thriving in my passions as Kaelah (and a multitude of other awesome bloggers)?! Why can't I turn what I love to to do into my job?" So ... I guess no matter where we are or what we have, we're just all checking each other out thinking the grass is *SO* much greener over there and yelling at each other, "TRUST ME, it's not!" And don't even get me started on the whole keeping a child alive thing because .. I'm really not sure I'm qualified to wake and feed myself. Haha.

    Reading the comments from some of these other readers can really put things into perspective though! I may not like my job all of the time but I have a 10 minute commute to work, a working car, and the people I work with are generally nice. I think I should be counting my blessings and probably having a little bit more confidence in myself on a lot of things. I think we're all doing better than we think. :) Great post, lady!

  48. First off, I love that you put this out there. I think everyone struggles with the pace of life at some point. Being a business owner for the past 10 years I can say that things are kind of all over the place at all times if you let it be that way. I think focus is a huge word that gets overlooked that I'm so guilty of. Have you read the book the Renaissance Soul by Margaret Lobenstine? I think so many creative people, including myself, are totally renaissance souls. We have so many interests and ideas yet we don't focus on just one thing. It's like being the Jill of all trades and the master of all of them too!

    My husband and I are yet again starting another business and sometimes I wonder the same thing as you, why not a corporate job? A guaranteed paycheck sounds good, right? Well for us it's possible but I know we'd be unhappy because we're creative people that like not working for someone else. We revel in the unknown and want to stick to plan A, I don't believe in having a plan B because by just having one you're putting the energy that should be in your plan A into B. Call us crazy but we put priorities first that need to be first and we make do without some things, and truly enjoy a simple life. Also, remember there are no rules so don't feel like you need to fit into a box! :)

  49. I still don't feel grown up and I'm about to turn 28. Graduated from my grad school program this year with my fellow graduates being far younger than me. It took me longer, but I did it, and I wouldn't change a thing. This path allowed me to find the man of my dreams, plan a wedding, and move to a new country (if Canada counts?), and now I am finally ready to pursue my dream job.

  50. I dunno if You'll even get down to reading Mine :D!
    I'm 21, turning 22 in April. I dunno if I can call Myself grown up cause I live totally in the future with that dream of establishing Myself by 25.
    But I've been through enough by now to think I am a very mature grown up adult.
    My Dad died when I was 14 and Me and My sisters were left to fend off for Ourselves and My mother, I started working at 16 to pay off My school and now My university (still working cause even with a student loan I have so much still to cover)
    I'm doing Engineering merely because it preps Me up for a "corporate" job. But I think of it very maturely as a means to an end: go in, save up, go out, open up own business :D
    I have a crap load of insecurities regarding My looks, My talents, My intelligence, My love life, My family and friends, despite the maturity I have gain at this young age.

    It is normal. All normal. But I think You might need to get out of Your comfort zone to be able to realize that You are a grown up now!

    Good luck!!!


  51. Firstly I think we all feel this way at some point. I'm 39 and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I drifted from one job to the next, always picking extremely mentally and/or physically challenging jobs, as I must be some kinda masochist. Then I got Fibromyalgia and ME and had to quit work, and then I beat myself up for no longer being a worker bee. THEN I nearly bled to death on the operating table when my ectopic pregnancy ruptured my fallopian tube, and lemme tell you THAT was an eye-opener. Now, despite everything, I'm so happy to be here, even though I have no life goals (other than surviving!)

    Sometimes we don't get the life we dreamed (and sometimes we don't even know what to dream about) but really, we're all so blessed to be here.

    I think you have a rad life and are too hard on yourself. Relax a little, enjoy your men and know you're an inspiration to so many people. x x

  52. I completely understand this. I'm 21 and still feel 14 most of the time.
    But I look up to people like you as inspiration that I can get my shit together.
    I'm 21, a senior in college, doing 18 hours and working two jobs, and still living on ramen and potatoes in a tiny apartment. I'm putting myself through school, on my own with no parents, just hoping that my Fine Arts degree won't be a waste of money.
    But looking at beautiful, together people like you gives me hope.

  53. I'm 44, and my husband and I have days where we laugh over our 'grown up' decisions, we still don't feel 'grown up' at times haha! we have 3 daughters and yes, it's hard, but your children love who you are, and yes it's difficult at times and sometimes it feels like nothing has changed but if you look around you will see you have climbed mountains, just by moving forward despite the difficulties, the hardest thing really is not to compare yourself with others, all our journies are different x x x

  54. After paying my own way through college, I felt like a corporate job just wasn't ever really going to be "my thing." So I made built an entire website around the feeling that twenty-somethings know all to well (aka the exact thing you talk about here!)

    I try not to think too much about doing things right or wrong. As long as I'm doing something and moving forward, that's all I really need to know.


  55. I am right there with you. I often wonder when I'm going to feel like an adult. I always joke around that I'm an adult child since I'm a 23-year-old in grad school, still being supported by her parents. Soooo. It's like I've been on a life-hiatus just focusing on school so I've ignored even trying to be a grown up. I often feel lame but maybe I'll feel more adult-like when I have an income and a bigger place. I don't know. Maybe none of us ever feel like adults and that's the secret everyone's been keeping from the younger generations!

  56. I can definitely relate to this post, but I will say, from the outside I've always thought you have it all together! You have a lovely family, a nice home, a successful blog, and your own businesses. (Plus amazing style!) You seem to have your shit together better than I do, and I'm a few years older! Haha.

    I spent my twenties up until age twenty-six feeling like a failure, and that I was wasting my life, living a worthless existance. I was working 45+ hours a week in retail, in a job that didn't make me happy. I didn't have my own place, a husband, the best social life, the grown up job... all those things we think we're supposed to have to be fulfilled in life. I didn't feel like my life matched up to anyone elses I knew. I also regretted not going to uni, and I was too scared to take the first step to change the parts of my life I hated. When I turned twenty-five, I'll admit for a couple of weeks at least, I freaked out a bit because I felt like I'd achieved nothing in my life worth mentioning. (Seems to be the common age for freaking out, right?!) And then, not long after I turned twenty-six I injured several of my discs, which have left me in constant pain and house bound for the past two years. I've had to put my entire life on hiatus, Work, life, social life, travelling, meeting new people. all of it. So at twenty-eight I still haven't got the dream life. BUT, I have realised life is far too short and the most important things in life are being happy and healthy. The rest is just a bonus. I've put that life check list aside for now, and am just taking life one day at a time because I never know where it will take me, and life can change when you least expect it to. I still don't feel like a grown up, but I'm sure I'll get there when I'm ready. Wherever 'there' is.

  57. Every single word you wrote rang true to me.

    This year has been the toughest year of my life and my first year experiencing real adult life. I moved out of home and away from my family, friends and boyfriend, I started university, I battled anxiety and an autoimmune disease, I lived completely on my own for 6 whole months and I struggled every day to come to terms with being an adult. Working and studying is HARD. Paying bills is HARD. Grocery shopping when you have $30 to last you the week is HARD and I very quickly had to accept that adult life is HARD, I'm not capable of living on my own and I still have one hell of a lot of growing up to do before I can consider myself a grown up. This year is a big part of the reason I asked you to make me my sign - I am still living in this bubble, dreaming of better things to come, dreaming of a life I don't have and I needed a reminder that although I've had a tough year and things aren't perfect and I have definitely not got it together, sometimes you just need to cut the dreaming and just learn to live! "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live". Instead of wishing for things, I'm now doing things. I've started my own business to better my financial situation, I'm working long hours in a daycare to save money for when university starts again in February so hopefully I won't be living off ramen next year, and I'm trying to take control of my life. I think that I will never see the day where I don't ring up my mum or collapse into her arms and complain about how hard being an adult is, but at least I am trying to make things better for myself!

  58. that's so funny that you think of 22 - i've always thought of 26 as being the magic together age. i am absolutely always envious of other people that i think have it together and then i learn the same thing - there are the ramen eaters and heat skippers out there. at least i've got it together more than they do? maybe? i'm not sure. i totally empathize with this post and i think that the fact that you're caring for a tiny human is a feat of amazing put-together-ness itself!

  59. fuck yeah - i'm 28 and am trying to figure out when i'm going to grow up ...
    the most difficult part for me was coming to terms with diagnoses depression - and figuring out that me wanting to be alone and really needing my solitude is actually important. it doesn't make me strange, it makes me bek.

    making and keeping friends is a huge stress - so the moment that i acknowleged having 2 really important people in my life is enough, I felt lke I was an adult.
    I have a feeling it's going to hit my like a tonne of bricks when I move into our new house next week. Not just living in an apartment but an actual house.

  60. I'm going through a rough patch as well. I'm turning 20 in May (scary!!) and I'm in my sophomore year of college. Well, technically my junior year, as I plan to graduate a year early. Based on my credits I know that I can graduate early and since my school is so expensive I'm inclined to go through with it, but it's terrifying thinking that I'll be 21 for exactly two weeks before graduating from college. Crazy. I feel like I work nonstop with my classes, internship, and on-campus job, and college just really isn't all it was cracked up to be. I'm really disappointed that it's so hard to make friends and (attempt) to find a relationship at my school. But that makes me even more nervous for life after college. I can't help constantly wondering if I'll be successful, if I'll find a boyfriend, if I'll be happy, etc. etc. Everything just feels like it's happening so fast and I don't know what to do. Things are just really tough right now and I'm so stressed and anxious all the time. And I also feel guilty since I know I'm lucky that I have parents who support me and I have the great opportunity to attend college and have an internship. I'm just terrified to be a "real person" or grown up because I'm afraid I'll never really be happy and I'll never amount to anything.

    This post could not have come at a better time. It made me feel just a little less alone. Maybe all grown ups are just faking it anyway.

    Rebecca @ tr[i]b[e]cca

  61. Thank you for writing a post on this, you're thoughts are totally relatable! And I'm glad I'm not the only one who is stuck in this limbo. I'm in my 20s as well and I feel like I'm drowning sometimes. Yes, I'm in grad school and making it on my own (thanks, school loans!) and I'm about to graduate, but sometimes it feels like I can't handle life as well in stride when I compare myself to 30 somethings in my program who appear to juggle a million things: jobs, internship, class, kids, marriage... I'm counting on the chance that this is just a "20s thing" and that when I get to my 30s, my life//coping skills will align a little more seamlessly. Or I may just feel like I'm 18 for the rest of my life! I know that there can be the perception that a blogger's life is perfect based on what they post (which I know is untrue), but I am always thankful that you keep it real on LCH. It's so refreshing and inspiring, particularly to someone who reads blogs religiously and whose life is definitely far from quintessential.

    <3 Bri

  62. I am a 57 year old mother of a 28 year old and a 23 year old! I have co-owned a restaurant (or 2) with my husband for the past 30 years! I still feel like this can't really be! I am still 18, right? I know I function as a grown up, but in my brain, I can't believe this! I think some of us never get over how time flies! Don't go corporate! Do what you love to do! You too will be 50 something before you know it!

  63. I am 43 and only feel I have it all together about 30% of the time. The other 70% I am still the young dreamer with crazy ideas and the "I'll try anything once" mentality. I never had children so it has always felt perfectly normal to not "grow up". At lunch one day - I was entertaining one of the grandsons - he's 4 and perfect in my mind - I actually have 6 grandchildren by marriage. His Mom told me "You are so good with children" I told her it's because I never really grew up and I am quite popular with the 0-8 age group - it's only around age 9 they think I may be a bit strange LOL

    I just try to be responsible enough to pay the bills on time, show up to work and get it done and the rest of the time I allow myself all the dreams I can dream up :)

  64. I totally know how you feel. I'm only 23, but I go back and forth between feeling like a child (whenever I get put in my place and realize how little I know about so many things) and feeling incredibly old (raising my son, balancing everyone's lives, and never ever EVER going out). What's really hard for me is that in high school, I felt like the possibilities for my life were endless... like there was so much time and promise. And now I feel like time has run out. Where did it go? It's like the future has become threatening. And in so many ways I'm excited because I get to watch my son grow and I love that, but for me as a person... I'm so afraid of failure and not living up to my dreams.

    And it's upsetting because I used to be the person who got it done no matter what. One semester I took 18 credit hours and worked two jobs. For nearly two years my husband was in Mexico obtaining legal residency and I worked my butt off, going straight from one job to the next, and I always managed it all. Now I'm so wrapped up in my son and I haven't "worked-worked" (like corporate worked, although I've been doing little side jobs) since his birth... so I sometimes feel like I've totally lost touch. It's just not what I'm used to at all and... wow I'm just going on and on. I just feel like if I'm not working a typical 9-5, I should be supermom. I should be cooking from scratch organic food and have a spotless home and sew all our clothes... you know. And not living up to any of those things is like...

    But I do manage to stay fairly organized. I work really hard to save our family money so we can buy a house, I'm working on honing some of my skills & opening my Etsy shop, and I'll be finished with a new degree in May... so I guess we all just keep on keepin' on.

    Sorry that was really long and all about myself.

  65. the hardest thing for me was learning to be my own friend. i moved to nashville to take my dream job but it ended up being a nightmare. i was miserable but kept telling myself "at least you have a job" or "hang in there for the experience" but after 6 months of being treated like crap at a corporate bakery i had enough. i realized that if my best friend or lover or sibling came to me with the terrible stories of life at that job that i would tell them it's not okay and that they are worth more than that. so i had to learn to not be so hard on myself and to give myself advice that i would give a friend. (and now i have a non-corporate job i love— it's possible!)

    i'm also a huge believer in personal growth and development. whenever i'm feeling like i haven't done enough i look back at where i was a year ago and what all has changed. like right now i'm filing paperwork to start a business— one year ago i never would have had the confidence to do this! i recently wrote a post that features reasons my younger self would be proud of me and i think that can be a valuable exercise for a lot of people. realizing what you have done instead of beating yourself up over what you still intend to do can be really powerful!

    sometimes i consider myself an adult and sometimes i don't . . . there are days when i get overwhelmed and flop onto my bed and scream into a pillow and nick has to calm me down like a child. . . but there are moments when i realize that for the last 7 years i have been on my own and paying for everything so even if i don't feel like a grown up at the moment, in the grand scheme of things i'm not doing s bad! i think as long as we are always learning and growing and intentionally getting better at the things we love then who cares if we are "adults"?

  66. Feel just as confused about it. A friend of mine and i were talking about how we always thought there would be this moment when you just knew, like POOF! You're an adult now, not just a co0nfused kid pretending in a suit. Now we're heading towards 30 and still feel like we're just pretenders in suits and i'm starting to believe there is no moment when you realize you're not pretending anymore.

  67. I love this post. I'm 21 right now and struggling everyday, but I always remember that I have it better than a lot. I had my son (by accident) at 19, so college flew out the window. And on top of that, I lost my job. Thankfully, my boyfriend got a new (better) full time job until I found something 6 months later.

    I always assumed 25 was the magical number, but it seems to be more 30+.

    I'm the youngest employee where I work. I think the second youngest is 28 or 29. Everyone seems to "have it together." But as I get to know everyone, they share personal stories and make me realize they're a lot like me. They may not have money struggles, but they have struggles.

    It's always nice to reassure yourself that everyone is human and everyone moves at a difference pace.

    I know I'm young, but I have a child so I'm trying to do what most people my age aren't even thinking about yet.

  68. I'm 31 and I still don't feel grown up, but I don't see the rush. Might as well live in the moment, in our "golden age". You should watch the Veronica Varlow clip on that. Do you realize you might actually and probably are living in a golden age. I don't feel grown up, I feel like I'm getting my shit together, but nowhere near where I would ideally want to be, but that's what life is about, constantly striving for things to be how you want it to be and you don't realize that as you are attaining these goals, that they've shifted again and now you want something else. Anyhoo, here's the link to the video. It gives me the warm fuzzies.

    Margot Meanie
    www.margotmeanie.com <3

  69. I'm 32, married with three kids and !y own business and some days stillfeelnluke a little girl playing make believe!! When I was little, 32 sounded so old and grown up to me, I still feel about 16 in my head Lol

  70. I love this post!! Honestly...I think the biggest obstacle in 'growing up' is thinking you have to grow up...who says you have to? It's just a state of mind. That said, I know what you mean...I feel insanely 'young' for my age, but I'm almost 30. I feel like I'm 16 or something...lol. I think we all have to do things and overcome stuff that makes us wiser, but that doesn't mean you can't keep feeling like a kid. :) One of the toughest scariest things I did was move to a new city by myself - I'm a quiet person, it was petrifying and so exciting at the same time! I finished school with $25,000 in debt and only contract work in my future and I was scared as shit. I worked like crazy to make it on my own. Fast forward 5 years and I decided to go back to school, and I spent the first two years of it working full-time while taking a full-load of classes living in a cheap crappy basement suite with the mister and sleeping 4 hours a night if I was lucky. It sucked. Sucked! But I'm almost done my degree and have no debt, and I can finally stop working and just focus on classes. I have no debt so far from this schooling thanks to that crazy work schedule, and we bought a place this year. So liberating! To see my hard work actually pay off has been amazing, and I try to focus on that when I'm up into the wee hours doing homework, still...lol. I'm amazed at where I got myself and how I got here, most days - considering I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. Why do we have to pick just one thing? :)

  71. Oh man- I have thoughts like this all the time and I'm in my mid 30s. I wish I could tell you they go away but I think some of us are just destined to always be wondering about our path, our direction, what we should be doing, etc. I definitely thought I'd be more "settled" by now, but starting to realize I will probably never feel that way and that's ok! I like to tell myself it's better to be curious and creative then settled- makes me feel better about my wandering ;) You have done amazing things and are SO young!!!

  72. Ugh. This just could not have come at a better time for me. I am currently going through the biggest pile of shit in my adult life. (I have chronic illness which has led to me to give up on my job and basically all of my dreams I used to have for the future)
    I don't think anybody in their 20's (or 30's) really knows what they're doing. I was told by an old guy I used to follow on lj, that the biggest secret to being a grown up, is that everybody is faking it. That always stuck with me. Everybody pretends to have their life together, when really, most of us are the same pile of insecurities as we were in our teens. It's good to share these feelings with each other, and to peel away little bits of the facade.
    So thank you for this post. And for everyone commenting on it. So good to read <3

  73. Ohmygosh I feel like this ALL the time lately! I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first child and I often look at my husband and say "WHO is letting us do this and bring this baby home with us?" because I feel like such a child myself. I know that in no way are we children and we actually have a lot of our crap together but man it feels overwhelming sometimes.

  74. OHMYGOSH I feel like this a lot! I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first child and I often look at my husband and say "Who on earth is letting us do this and bring this baby home?" because I still feel like a child. We have our lives together for the most part but man it all feels overwhelming sometimes. I don't know when I'll truly feel like an "adult".

  75. First off- THANK YOU for being so REAL! Ah! It's fantastic! I think it's really easy for bloggers to be swayed into this weird world of having it all together and it's so refreshing to know there are still real ones out there! (this coming from merely a reader of many blogs, not on the other end of things)

    I knew I had to grow up quick when I got kicked out of my parents house a year after I entered college, and was completely on my own (read as: no money or help from mom and dad anymore) I grew up and went to school in a very small town that normally people stay in, but I ventured out and it opened my mind! I loved it! My parents, however, did not. I was 19 and I had nothing to my name except clothes and anything else I had worked to earn. I sat on the side of the road with two clothes hampers full of clothes, a back pack full of other trinkets, and two duffle bags of books, school supplies, and whatever else fit until a friend came to pick me up.

    This kicked me into a survival stage. I could have easily gotten a few minimum wage jobs and lived my life day to day knowing that I had the bare necessities, but I just couldn't let that happen. I went back to school and applied to become a Resident Assistant at the university I went to, which was a job that allowed me to live on campus for free, and also gave me a small paycheck every month. Rent- check. Paycheck- check. Unfortunately I still had to pay my tuition, so I actually had to pick up two other jobs- Babysitting and Desk Clerk (no loans here! woo!) I was going to school full time, and working 3 jobs- life was NOT PEACHY, that was for sure. College was not the signature "time of my life" and I think it's times like those that people get so consumed by, and give up because they can't see a positive end. I had an end in sight- graduation and getting into the big-girl world! (which I thought was going to be REAL fun, but let's be honest here... lol)

    I had been squirreling away money as best I could while I was in college. Not having a real rent, plus always eating in the cafeteria (which is included in tuition price), NEVER going out because I was always working, and picking up extra hours wherever I could allowed me to at least have something to get started with when I graduated. I got a job almost immediately out of college (science degree- word.), moved into a really crappy basement apartment that smelled of sewage and was way below my budget for rent, and worked worked worked.

    I always have some positive end in sight. It's the days that I work 12 hours (of which I only get paid to work 8 of, because I work under a grant for a research lab, they can only pay me a set amount) that I'm like "Whatever, this is fine, these extra hours I'm working are seen by my boss and she knows I'm working hard and this will all pay off with a gleaming letter of recommendation for grad school!" and I think that it's hard for people to think like that. It's super easy for me to get mad that I'm working so hard and not getting paid for it, or not getting appreciated for it, but I force myself to see differently.

    I saved enough to move into something a bit better with my sweetheart, we now live in a 3 room, 2 bath HOUSE which I never thought possible when I was sitting on the side of the road and had seriously 3 dollars to my name. I eat pretty well (read: not ramen noodles), am responsible for a dog and two cats, and even bought a CAR! And I definitely think all of this is because I've always had something HAPPY and BRIGHT to look forward to. Even when it gets too dark to see this light, I force myself to clear a path. Maybe that sounds like living in a fantasy world to some, but I just see it as making a goal, and working toward it as best as possible.

  76. We're going through our hard times right now and have been for about 6 months. I see a light off in the distance but honestly sometimes I wonder if we'll reach it. We're working to it though!

  77. great post. i realized that growing up / becoming an adult is one of the hardest thing i'm going through now. especially after not having the typical teenager phase, it has turned out to be pretty difficult to find that balance between being a kid and growing up at 22.
    xo, cheyenne

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  79. I'm soooo so sooo happy I'm not alone. MY boyfriend, who is 26 and has his shit completely together, always tells me I'm too hard on myself. I worked my butt off for college scholarships (which then my absent minded administrator did not process my junior year). From there I was fired from my DREAM job, had a terrible relationship, spent about 3 months in and out of the hospital for reasons from car wrecks to eye lacerations. I lived with my parents and I just wanted to be on my own again, doing what I loved.

    Now, I live with my boyfriend, but am kicking myself in the butt everyday for being 24 and working retail again. I can't deal with the regression; I'm pushing myself forward and am determined to get to that point of "Success" that I hold so high, but I feel there will always be something more to reach for. Maybe we'll always be hunting for the next thing, and true, success is different for everyone! I think we need to appreciate where we are, how far we've come, and the ability to work hard AND relax <#

  80. I am 23 so I am two years behind you. I have been out of college for almost 3 years and I feel like I have been in a never ending cycle of finding that creative job to file the role of getting my degree in Graphic Design. I have had two corporate jobs since college, one I lost due to restructuring, and other that I will lose at the end of this year, again due to restructuring. So I know how great a stable job may seem like for someone working on their own, but honestly nothing, nothing at all, well maybe something, but barely anything is stable out there. So for me ever since graduating college it has been a never ending worry of finding that job. Not only do I need a job to pay the normal bills, I also need a job to pay my massive student debt, since I did not get any help from my parents... hello private loans (not included in average student loan debt heard on the news). So I just deal with trying to push myself through, hoping I do not have to deplete my savings again after losing this job, which I did the first time because I could not get unemployment because I did not work long enough to qualify and that was 9 months. I worry that I cannot call myself a true Graphic Designer because technically I do not do creative work at my day job, close, but not really. So I do freelance on the side, I also do photography, and I letterpress print. So, again, maybe I am doing too much to not be specialized. I am all over the place, haha! I even worry sometimes if I can ever have kids when that time comes for me just because of the expenses that I have from paying off my debt, and I did not go to an expensive school. I did go to a four year and not community but I wanted that experience.

    Sometimes I wonder if I should just go all out on freelance, like you have. Sometimes I think I need that real experience out in the industry because sometimes the creative world plays down freelance, its a tough world. Sometimes I even wonder if I want to be apart of such a rude environment sometimes. So I am an aimless wanderer.

    But I do have a wonderful fiance, a roof over my head, family that supports me, and my wonderful dog I recently adopted. I do not think I am successful at all in my career because I do not think I am growing creatively, but I do know that I push myself really hard sometimes to do what I want to do, I don't know if that is success, but I do want to feel like I can call myself a real graphic designer.

    You're not alone- Megan

  81. my 20's were something crazy. I made so many stupid financial decisions. I had a revolving door of roommates, most of which were college age. And I was always so frustrated that many of them had their crap together better than me (though I never took into account that their parents were helping them out money wise, and I never had that kind of help). even when I got my grown-up job, I still felt like a kid. Still did really stupid things. I honestly didn't really hit my stride until i was 28. I say that was my favorite years in my 20's. Now i'm 32, living with 2 awesome friends, and really feel like I've got a better handle on things. Not that it's smooth sailing. Not at all. But I'm responding to situations better. I'm more relaxed. I finally feel like a grown-up. And I love it.

  82. as you get older you'll realize that you'll never have it all together and thats ok. The older you get the less you know and thats not a totally bad thing because at least you are aware of it, compared to say when you where 18 and thought you knew everything! ha!

  83. "Honest to Blog" <- LOVE it. Also I really wish I had something inspiring and uplifting and totally "I have my crap together" but here I am 29 and just nodding along with everything you're saying. It's funny, though, because I feel like I look at you and to me you're one of them that does have it all together!! You have several business ventures that are doing fabulous and I'm sitting here looking at 2 currently (well if you don't count writing books which I don't because you'd have to actually do something with your rough draft, am I right? LOL) and going how am I ever going to make either of these take off?? I guess I am much better off than I was 10 years ago. Ok make that a HELL of a lot better off but I still don't feel successful and worry that I never will be by my measure or anyone else's. >.< I guess it's all perspective. Compared to 19 year old me I totally would look like I have my crap together. Hell, even 22 year old me would be amazed. That or totally saddened by how little I party, lmao. ;)

  84. I don't believe I felt like this at 25 at all. I felt pretty young. It was once I hit 28 I started to feel like I was starting to age. I got my first grey hair then. Now that I am 30, I am having a really difficult time. I think the fact that I also have been married for nearly 10 years too, is that I just feel older than most of the people my age. My firstborn is going to be 7 on Groundhog's Day, my baby is going to be 5 in a few weeks, and we've wanted more children over the past 3 years and haven't. . .and I think finding that now I am min need of waxing my lips because I see dark hairs growing in and I got my first pair of reading glasses last year, it is just all so much at once to deal with . . .I already see eye wrinkles wanting to creep in and I know I will have droopy jowls by the time I am 40 because they run on my dad's side. I bet 40 year olds would laugh at me saying, "30 is nothing." but I miss my 20s already. There are so many things that I was an idiot about in my 20s and I can't go back to fix them (marrying and having kids was the best decisions I made though). ugh.

  85. When I was young my magic number was 23. Oh how everything would be so much better when I was 23. Well I didn't go to college and at 23 I was a auditor/manager at home depot. Not that corporate life together 'dream job' as years passed this stayed on my mind. Eventhough I was happy. Now I'm 29 and think it was quite silly of me to stress over it. I mean the only reason I imagined this future for me is because I had such a hard often lonely childhood. Once Jr High came I got real friends and forgot all about it until I became 23. I only know blog you but you seem to being great st 25. And you have such a profound effect on so many. How many people can say that?

  86. It's normal to feel this way in your 20's, maybe even until your 30's depending on where and who you are. You're still figuring out who you are and changing a lot more, and you are riddled with all sorts of images of who and how you are suppose to be by popular media which can make you doubt your own path in life. But you're right: success is relative. For my parents, who are traditionally Asian, success has meant a degree, then a family, then taking care of your aging parents. Really, it is when we let others affect or determine our success and happiness in life, that we begin to become unhappy and question our current existence and choices in life. I'm not saying not to take other peoples' advice or listen to older peoples' wisdom, but, in the end, you will live with the choices you made in life. It is good to have plan Bs and Cs, if plan A doesn't work out, especially because you have a family to think about, but really there is no one answer for how people should live their lives. I guess we are all just figuring it out along the way, and that's okay. =) And I'm in my 30's, by the way. -Jessica L

  87. Girl, as someone who's a year a way from 30, I'm SO LOOKING FORWARD to leaving my 20s behind me! My early 20s were a freaking sh*tshow -- slutting it up left and right in college because I didn't know my own value (not that I have a problem with sex or promiscuity, but more often than I was letting dudes have the goods because they were there and "no" was a word I was scared to say.) I felt average and unremarkable and fretted over everyone who seemed better than I was. 19/20 was like a rude wakeup call when I realized that the badass giant fish I thought I was in high school meant diddly and most people were actually better than me at most things, if I was going to use the traditional metrics I had been using to value myself. The artistically romantic melancholy that had harmlessly colored my worldview with sensitivity in high school became full on depression and anxiety. On top of all that, I experienced the tragic loss of my best friend -- a loss I blamed myself for for a long time because we were roommates and she was asleep less than 20 ft away from me when she died.

    Don't get me wrong, I had good times, too. And plenty of my recklessness was fun and amounted to experiences I valued. But my overall recklessness with myself was borne of some dark and sad things that I'm happy to be mostly over now. And that was all just my first four years of my twenties! I slowly got my head on straight and powered through the BS and embraced my IDGAF side in terms of being comfortable with myself. But even once I started to figure myself out more, there was still the debt, the barely making ends meet, the sense of "WTF?"

    Now I've got a real job that I like, my husband and are DINKing it, I know who I am and what I like. I've forgiven myself for past mistakes, but have determined to learn from them and be a better person. Things just seem, clearer and more attainable. And from everything I've heard, things just move even MORE in this direction, not less so. The 20s are hard. Not everyone feels that way or they feel it to different extents. My husband feels nostalgic for his college years sometimes and doesn't understand my enthusiasm for aging. But even he acknowledges that a lot of what the 20s are about is feeling kind of lost and confused, and it's CERTAINLY about being broke, ha!

    I'm grateful for a lot of the crap I went through in my 20s, if for no other reason than the fact that I like myself pretty well now, and I can't say who I'd be or what my life would be like if different things had happened. But I'm super happy to have it all behind me and feel stronger and more secure in myself and I'm stoked for that trend to continue. I just kind of think I'm going to be a hot and awesome 30, 40 and beyond-year-old, and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna age like a boss. You gotta know it keeps getting better, babe! People who think the best years are behind them (not saying you're necessarily one of them), I mean, my goodness! What a sad and BORING way to think! <3


HEY! Thanks for dropping by. xo KB