// I Gave Up On Breastfeeding... And We're All Happier Because Of It


When I was pregnant with Linden, I knew in my heart of hearts that I'd breastfeed. Never did the thought otherwise cross my mind. When it was brought up in conversation my answer was always the same "Yes, I plan on breastfeeding. As long as I'm able." When I started to think about my answer, I found it kind of strange. I kept saying "As long as I'm able" when asked, but never in a million years did I really think I'd have trouble. Before Linden came along, I thought breastfeeding was this totally natural, instinctual thing that we did as mammals. I mean, that makes sense, right? Boy was I wrong.

I've touched briefly on my struggle to breastfeed, but I haven't really discussed it to the extent that I'd like. This might be a long, choppy post so I'll go ahead and apologize. There's so much that I want to get off my chest, but I'm not always sure the best way to go about it. So I'll just free write.
While in the hospital immediately following Linden's birth, he was a champion nurser. He latched right on, albeit a bit shallow, and ate until he was satisfied and then he'd fall asleep. I requested a lactation consultant come by our room a few times a day to check on us and to help walk me through the process, and her enthusiasm made me feel like I was totally getting it. A few days passed and then it was time to head home. I made sure practice the different nursing positions she taught me, and I always fed on demand. But something just didn't click at home. Linden's latch grew more and more shallow, he never seemed satisfied, and he developed a nice little case of thrush. The thrush continued to get passed back and forth from me to him... mouth to breast. Now, for any of you who haven't had thrush on your lady lumps... it's terrible! Excruciating even. Add that to the long list of obstacles that we were facing at home, and I became depressed. I tried keeping a positive mind through those days, but looking back on it now there's absolutely no denying that I was beyond depressed. The postpartum surveys and questions I've had to answer to at the doctors were all the more telling.

Every single feed was met with sobbing... for Linden and me. Rushing him back and forth to the pediatrician (an hour each way) five days in a row was stressful, and I'd cry the whole way there and the whole way back. I started to dread feeding my own baby. And bonding? Forget about it. There was no bonding happening when just trying to feed him would overwhelm me. Just to add insult to injury, it was World Breastfeeding Week and I was inundated with "Breast is best!" "Breastfeeding is bonding!" and all sorts of propaganda that wasn't intended as mockery, but that's exactly how it felt. Guilt flooded my heart and mind. I cried because breastfeeding hurt, I cried because my baby was never satisfied, I cried because Linden kept losing weight, I cried because the doctor recommended we supplement, and then I cried because I was crying. Everything was hard.

When I touched on our obstacles publicly, everyone was so supportive by saying "It gets better!" "Just keep at it!" "In a few weeks it'll be totally different!" but my mind and body just couldn't take it. The first two weeks of Linden's life, I hardly ate anything. I was in such a deep funk that I couldn't even muster the energy or interest to eat. I wasn't even drinking anything. This of course came full circle and made breastfeeding even harder because all of a sudden I wasn't able to produce much of anything. Even when I'd try to give myself a pep talk to eat/drink, I couldn't. So I'd pump. And pump and pump and pump. I called the hospital's lactation department in tears. I was sobbing so hard I couldn't even tell her my name. Even seeing someone in my own home felt liberating at first, but then it all went down hill once she left. But still, I kept fighting. I wanted to breastfeed. I felt like I needed to. How on earth could I love my baby and give him formula?! The thoughts that clouded my head ranged from ridiculous to downright insane. Despite my family telling me that I didn't have to keep forcing myself to do it, I didn't want to give up. I tried nipple shields, fenugreek, oatmeal... you name it.
A few weeks in and it was all becoming too much. I felt like I couldn't bond with Linden and enjoy him the way I should be able. I didn't want to let his newborn weeks slip past me while I wallowed in my own self pity. I kept searching for "permission" to throw in the towel... from family members, from Mike... from myself. I've never once judged another mother for formula feeding her baby, but I just couldn't seem to offer myself the same grace. Then one day I just stopped. I stopped pumping. I stopped breastfeeding. And I only gave bottles. It was like a switch had been flipped. Linden was happy and satisfied, and I was able to enjoy feeding him. Not only that, but Mike was able to feed him more regularly, too. When I would pump, I could only get 1 ounce total in a half hour. Not nearly enough to satisfy Linden. With being strictly formula fed, everyone could get in on the action. For once he had a full belly.

I've been "wearing" Linden since his first few days and despite it not being breastfeeding, it has allowed me to bond with him in a way I can't even explain. I now look at this little guy and love him more than life itself. I felt so much shame for bottle feeding him, but I did (and do!) so much research. The best formulas, support groups, etc. It's because of other moms out there sharing their struggles and their stories that I've come to peace with our decision. Does that mean I don't still mourn the thought of breastfeeding? No way. Sometimes I'll be wearing Linden through the house after a feed and I'll just start crying because I wanted nothing more than to breastfeed. It still breaks my heart to know that I didn't get to experience that with him. But because of other wonderful blog posts I've read from moms just like me, I no longer feel shame about how I've chosen to feed my baby. He's fed every time he's hungry, and he's growing just as he should. I'm able to focus on things that are much more important like actually creating a bond between me and him.

That's not to say I haven't (felt like I've) been met with the stigma that comes with bottle feeding. Mike and I took Linden to the mall one afternoon and he decided he was hungry so I stopped, made him a bottle, and fed him while sitting in one of those little massage chairs in the middle of the walkway. While most people just marveled at how adorable he was, I did get a few stink eyes from older women. I didn't say anything to Mike in the moment, but I told him about it a few days later and I just cried and cried and cried. Granted the ladies didn't say anything to me (so they very well could have been stink eye'ing something else) but the inner shame I felt about feeding him projected itself on anyone who would look at me funny. It didn't feel fair to be shamed for giving my child exactly what he needed. But since then I've come to terms with not everyone being okay with our decision. There are plenty of other things that people give me the stink eye for. Adding one more to the list can't hurt, right? I was bottle fed, Mike was bottle fed, and Toby was bottle fed, too. In the grand scheme of things it can't be that bad. Instead of focusing on what I "missed out" on, I've decided to cherish what I do get to experience... and that's being this little guy's mom. Definitely something I don't want to take for granted.
Maybe I'll be more aware of the struggles that come with breastfeeding the next time around. I think my naiveté about the whole thing didn't help matters much. I never knew it would be so hard. I think I'll know more of what to expect the next go around, provided we're able to have more children. But even if it proves to be impossible, I'll feel completely comfortable bottle feeding that baby, too. Sometimes it's hard to not beat myself up for not "trying harder" or "sticking it out," but I know that if I had kept going the way I was going, I would've found myself even farther down that black hole of PPD.

I definitely want to share the blog posts, websites and resources that I've found to help me through the past several weeks. I think by lifting the veil of the difficulties of breastfeeding, the stigma associated with bottle feeding, and just sharing real life experiences, so many other new (and repeat) moms will feel comfortable making the decision that is best for their family. With his reflux and milk allergy, I just choose to celebrate when we get through an entire bottle without him screaming his head off or refusing to eat. Little victories.

Bottle feeding may not be right for everyone, but it has been absolutely perfect for our family. Whether you bottle feed out of necessity or simply because you want to, you shouldn't be shamed for nourishing your child. I think it's wonderful that breastfeeding is celebrated, but we shouldn't forget about the other moms out there. Rather than put breastfeeding moms on a pedestal, we should celebrate parents in general... feeding their babies when they're hungry. No one is going to know (or care!) if my child was formula or breast fed when he's playing on the playground. It's an unnecessary pressure we put on ourselves. And there are so many reasons for bottle feeding. Adoption, breast cancer, a working mom who can't pump while on the job, etc. We're all doing the best we can. Thanks for letting me share my story. I guess part of me thought it was this "big deal" and that I needed to keep this "secret." Like heaven forbid someone on the internet catch a glimpse of a bottle in the background of a photo. Seriously, those are things that I thought. It's so silly to have that mentality. But at the same time, you can probably tell that I'm still trying to come to terms with everything. While I feel "totally" okay with our decision, I'm still bummed and I still find ways to justify it, even though it's not necessary. Kind of like convincing myself it really is okay, ya know? I hope that if you've experienced something like this or if you do in the future, you'll feel comfortable sharing your struggles and feel proud about the decision you've made. It doesn't have to be some big shameful secret that you hide from. But it's not like you need my permission or approval either! xo

49 comments:

  1. Hi Kaelah, Thanks so much for writing this personal post. When I was pregnant my mind wasn't made up about breast feeding up but when my daughter was born 3 months early it became a matter of my daughters health. As she was so tiny we couldn't breast feed so I expressed the milk for her and I was very happy doing so. When she got bigger we tried breast feeding and at first it was great but it soon became stressful and I found myself getting frustrated with both myself and my daughter, which was so unfair!
    Eventually I decided that the stress wasn't worth it and we went back to expressing and I did that for 5 months. I'm so glad I had the space and time to decide for myself but I know all too well the pressure put on you to carry on breast-feeding.Thanks so much for your honesty, it makes me proud of my choice as a mother :) xxx
    http://ilovecrafty.blogspot.co.uk

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  2. xoxo, Kaelah! Don't assume those old ladies were giving you the stinkeye because of bottle feeding... Dan and I get the stinkeye from older ladies because of his metal t-shirts and full sleeve of tattoos; people throw shade for all sorts of stupid reasons.

    Kudos for being honest here. I have mommy friends who have run the gamut from breastfeeding until their toddler can say "Thank you!" afterwards, to bottle feeding early on, to co-sleeping, to nannies, THE WORKS. We all have to do what it takes to survive.

    And for the record, despite the trends right now, I was a C-section baby, bottle-fed within 4 weeks, got all my immunizations, never ate organic foods, and got spanked as a child. I ended up a fit, 4-year varsity MVP cross country runner, near the top of my class in academics, and an honors graduate from West Point. I think I turned out just fine the way my mother did things in order to survive.

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  3. Love that you wrote this, friend. As you know Amelia is exclusively breastfed, and I still found the "World Breastfeeding Week" stuff--as well as all the crap about breastfeeding mothers being so strong and amazing--obnoxious. Breastfeeding is great if it works. Formula feeding is great if it works. As long we and our babies are nourished and happy, life is good. And as I told you, fuck the haters, who can go fart in a phone booth.

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  4. My heart was breaking as I read this, as I read of your struggle and how you felt you couldn't bond with Linden as well as you wanted to. I wish there was something I could do, but I'm glad that you've found something that works for you and your family. Linden is happy, you're happy, Mike's happy, etc.! I think the women who boast and "protest" bottle feeding are just way too ignorant for their own good. Sometimes it's needed!

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  5. All my love and support, lady. And YES, like I said on twitter breastfeeding is like the least natural thing that has ever happened to me. We tried in the hospital - I made plenty of colostrum, but the baby basically didn't latch at all. I got her to latch exactly once, and never again. The nurses were all fairly supportive - except for one, who reacted to me like my difficulties were THE END OF THE WORLD, was in a complete panic. She came in while we were working on feeding once, looked at me, and said "No wonder you're having trouble, your nipples are all wrong." Then she left and got a pump, which she just left with us without explaining the parts or how to use it. I had to get a random unrelated nurse to explain everything to me. It basically killed me for trying, because I couldn't get past this nurse's horrible pity and panic and the way she was just so "well, this won't work." WE kept trying to latch for a few days, but my heart wasn't in it. We pump and give her bottles of breastmilk, which is nice - Jason can get up with her at night and let me do three hours of sleep at a time - but I do have a lot of friends on FB who constantly post those 'breastfeeding is just so awesome' memes and all I can do is shrug. I'm wistful about it, but I know what matters is that the baby is fed, in the end.

    I mean, I grew up on soy formula in the 80's and I'm doin' fine. A LOT of us grew up on formula who were born then - they used to actively discourage breastfeeding. And we're (mostly) just fine and like you said, no one can tell the difference on the playground.

    Your baby is fed, you are loving him, Mike is loving you, and that is all that matters.

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  6. It was great to read this! While I was pregnant, I confidently told people I was going to breastfeed. No doubt about it! I THOUGHT I was doing well in the hospital after he was born, but then we discovered he was losing weight. A lactation consultant visited me, but I still wasn't having luck. At about 3:00 in the morning, I was crying so hard when a nurse came in my room. She was so sweet and comforting and asked if I'd like to feed my baby a bottle of formula. At first, I was taken aback. No way! I HAVE to breastfeed! But she assured me that it would be good for the baby and would be good for me as well. She was right. I felt such relief, and I'm so grateful for the compassion that nurse had.

    I did still try to breastfeed, but it was a huge source of stress that was making me completely miserable. I'm certain that my attitude also had a negative effect on the baby. My husband couldn't stand to see me (and the baby) like that anymore, so he finally just told me it was okay. Formula would be fine. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and my time with my newborn was suddenly so much sweeter.

    I give major credit to women who breastfeed. It's such a common thing and so natural that I think a lot of people don't realize just how darn hard it is. I offer major compliments to those ladies who breastfeed, but us ladies using formula are fine too. I was a formula baby, and I think I turned out okay!

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  7. Oh gosh thanks for sharing your experience. I don't have a kid right now and if one comes along I'll "try" breast feeding but I just know it'll be difficult for me due to anatomical reasons. I also know I could never pump at work. I'm sure this post will make lots of new moms feel better about their decision to bottle feed.

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  8. oh kaelah, you are not alone sweet girl. your story is my story - 3 times over. i tried with all three of my kids and ended up quitting about 3 - 4 months in, every time. being able to enjoy their fleeting newborn months was worth way more to me than dreading and sobbing through all their feedings. (also, thrush is the devil. i had it twice and holy heck, is it awful. i'm so sorry you and linden had to go through that!) i encourage you to try as hard as you can to not worry about what other people think, and just focus on enjoying every second of this newborn stage as best you can! it goes so fast. hang in there!

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  9. Hi,
    I just wanted to let you know that I went trough a very similar experience with my first child (i'm 34, I had my little girl in 2009 and a little boy last year).

    When I had my little girl and started breastfeeding I assumed it would come natrually and all be fine, I'd been to the classes and thought it would all be fine.
    However, after the first day it was obvious it was not going to be easy, my little one didn't have a good latch and was not feeding, then I got sore, like REALLY sore and bleeding, I tried expressing milk and cup-feeding, I tried creams and nipple sheilds, the whole lot, nothing really helped. Then, after 2 weeks I got a killer bout of mastitis and felt really ill. I was not enjoying my baby and, like you, I was in pain all the time and crying when I fed her...so, after a big cry I decided to bottle feed. It was the best decision I ever made, I felt like a new person, I felt normal again, able to go out and able to enjoy my baby and bond with her....it was right for us. I felt guilty for a while, but mostly I felt free and happy!
    To add to the stress, my mum had passed away a week before my little on was born, and so I had no one close to thrash out my thoughts and feelings (except my husband)...and that made it all the more difficult!

    With my second baby, my little boy, I breastfed from birth and although he's had a few bottles, I am still breast feeding him, now and he's just turned one! Once you've been through the worst of beast feeding, doing it again is much easier - you know all the coping methods, all the tricks of the trade!

    Good look with feeding xxxxx

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  10. What a great post, Kaelah! My daughter is almost 7 months now and we're about to make the switch to formula now. I struggled from day one as didn't have milk for the first 3 weeks of her life, she didn't latch properly and was battling a terrible reflux. Just like you I was in tears every time I had to feed her. And wanting a feed every 2 hours made matters only worse. But just like you said I couldn't justify not breastfeeding her. It's the most natural thing, right? Not. We've been introducing more and more formula + solids in the last couple of weeks and we're both so much happier. At the end of the day it's your baby and you have to find a way that works for both of you and not for anyone else!

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  11. My LO is 9 weeks, so I love keeping up with Linden! I just wanted to say that I never wanted to BF, but initially pressured myself and told everyone I would. Then about a month before baby for here, I made my mind up I wouldn't even go down that road since I wasn't committed and didn't want the additional stress in the early days. Please don't ever feel ashamed for feeding your baby!! As someone who chose to exclusively FF on their own, I hate it and my heart hurts for moms who feel like they failed when they switch from BF to FF!!! I promise you are probably feeling more judgement than there really is!! I find the judgement about how you feed your baby exists more online than in real life!

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  12. Oh Kaelah, I just want to give you a big ole hug. It is so wonderful that you are making the most responsible and healthy decision for your health and Linden's health. The mental and physical well being of the two of you are 150,000 (give or take) times more important than anyone else's snotty hoity toity notions of what every mother should do. You are doing the right thing, and you are very brave to share your experience with us so that other mothers may be comforted and reassured that as long as mother and baby are healthy, it doesn't matter where the baby's food is coming from.

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  13. reading your post, it sounds exactly what I went through. You have to do what's best for you and your baby. I also got mean stares from other women when I gave my newborn a bottle. Little did they know how much it hurt me not being able to breastfeed the way I wanted to. Keep up the good work mama!

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  14. As a pregnant woman, I totally applaud your story. I keep telling everyone that I'd like to try and breast feed and see how it works out. I'm not sure what will happen and I'm keeping an open mind so that if I can't do it, I don't feel bad about it. At least, I will try not to feel bad about it. There's no way of knowing what the hormones will do or how I will feel in the moment. I'm really glad that you found a method that worked for you. And, make sure to talk to people when you get really down and worn out. It's important that you take care of yourself for your sake and Lindens.

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  15. I might not know you, and will never meet you face to face (I live quite far north of you) but reading this brought tears to my eyes. When my first child was born I felt the same way as you. I have a friend who made the decision to not even try breast feeding. She didnt want to start and formula fed from the first. So I had support there on the formula front, all my other friends breast fed and cautioned me against formula. With all that pressure and pressure from my nurses (not my doctor, he didnt care as long as Emma and I were heathy and happy) I decided to breast feed. I didn't even give myself the option. I bought no bottles or formula just in case. When Emma arrived we tried, I was told by the nurses that I wasn't quite made for breast feeding. (I wont get into details, suffice it to say there was almost nothing for emma to latch onto) but we tried. and tried and tried, I cried and made myself sick and immediatly lost 20 pounds and almost ended up in the hospital. We tried for 4 weeks, I found myself growing to dislike myself, my husband, the consultants, the one friend who told me i wasnt giving it enough effort or time or love and most of all the time i was spending with my daughter. pumping didn't work and emma never slept needing to be fed every hour and a half. Finally one night my husband decided to turn off the monitor not wake me and feed Emma a formula bottle. He had brought some home and not told me. I woke up the next morning at 7 shot stright up panic stricken thinking the worst. My hubby bless his heart rolled over and told me everything. Emma was sleeping and happy. We went to the doctor, found out i had never really had my milk come in, and he told me kevin had made the right choice. And then he did something I will never forget, he walked over to me and hugged me. HE told me his wife hasd the same issues and to stop beating myself up. It took a couple days but almost immediatly Emma was happy, no crying constantly. We picked up bottles and formula and never looked back. 11 months later when we delivered my 2nd child I didnt even try. I went bottles and I never looked back. He is happy and healthy and I love him. Emma is perfect, nothing is wrong shes not sickly or delayed or anythign people think.

    You are more brave then you know, you are a better mother then you might think. Linden is happy and healthy that is all that matters. You and Mike are doing wonderfully, and you should be so proud that you have decided to share your story to help mothers who have difficulty, who are scared or sad. in those dark moments when your alone with a cying baby and feel helpless you have provided and will continue to provide a ray of light to others everywhere. Thank you so much for bringing tears to my eyes reading this post, it makes me feel better, it helps fill that hollow little whole that was left because of my failure.

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  16. I think it's great you gave it a TRY, I think that's the most any woman can do. I know breastfeeding has been a big thing for me as a mother, so I tend to be a little over-enthusiastic/supportive about it, but ultimately I am totally "Team Feed Your Baby". As long as that little man is happy and healthy and getting the nourishment he needs, THAT'S what is important! I really hope making this change will help you start feeling more "you" so you can enjoy your beautiful family! And whatever about those stink-eyes. I get stink-eyes for breastfeeding in public too (even covered up) -- so you can't win EITHER way. You know what's right for you and for your family, and you're doing a great job :)
    - Mandi (www.lifeinbeta.com)

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  17. Gaahhh Kaelah! Once again, your experience so closely resembles mine. Breastfeeding was the absolute WORST part of my day. It was such a struggle, there was zero bonding, and I just hated it. He struggled to latch properly, and I barely produced anything. As soon as we switched to formula, my son instantly became a much happier baby and finally began sleeping.

    It's so hard to not judge yourself in these situations. But understand, you are being the hardest on yourself. You made the right decision, and it's a decision that countless other moms have made. You have a great family, and they're lucky to have you!

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  18. This is amazing. I mean, not amazing that you had such a hard time -- but I love how honest you are. I would 100% feel the same way if I was in your position. People are SO judgmental, especially online, especially when it comes to motherhood. To be honest, I'm a little terrified. But your bravery in sharing this was really inspiring. Thank you!

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  19. Adding my support and story to all the other comments. I tried and failed at breast feeding all thee of my children. They are now 21, 18 and nearly 17-- they are all healthy, athletic, well adjusted, loving and generally fantastic people. For a long time society stayed mum on breast feeding, but I think in our desire to normalize the act, we have swung too far in the other direction. There is a lot of shaming, false information and even insulting being thrown at bottle feeders by some women in the militant breast feeding community. While there are no doubt benefits to breast feeding, not breast feeding does not set your child up for failure. The best thing for a baby is a happy and contented mother. Trying to breast feed when you are stressed out and upset is far worse for your baby's development than bottle feeding. By recognizing that, you have proven what a wonderful mother you are!

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  20. I know SO many moms who weren't able to breastfeed and who were also exhausted and felt defeated but who have healthy, well-adjusted children. Period. Linden is going to be just as amazing as he would have had you been able to continue nursing. As moms, I think we always worry more about the challenges than what is going well. Breastfeeding has been easy for me (as has pumping/supply), and at 8.5 months, we're still nursing. BUT, Essley has been impossible to wear in wraps and slings. She is great in the Ergo, but she's always hated to be worn otherwise. And that was MY struggle. I'd always planned to baby wear, and you're always hearing about how that is the right thing to do, and I couldn't. It broke my heart. I felt like a shitty mom. It hurt. I felt judged. Now I realize that there are always going to be things that work great for us, and things that will 'fail.' As long as Essley is healthy and happy, that's all that matters. And as you know, the same goes for you guys. I think it's awesome that you shared this mama. I just love you to pieces. xoxoxo

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  21. First, I want to say congrats on your baby boy. I have three small children and they are my biggest joy. Second, I want to say that it is great you got that off your chest but I want you to know something. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ANYONE. I put that in bold bc I was in your shoes and we immediately as a woman and mothers feel the need to explain to people why we aren't doing what we are supposed to be doing. I do not believe breastfeeding is a natural event. Women who have support do better than women without. And it is not for everyone. I tried to breastfeed with every single child. I have NO women in my life. I would beg the nurses and breastfeeding people at the hospital for help and I barely got any. I dreaded breastfeeding my first after 2M like you, I ended up in tears. I kept trying with all of them and I did my BEST. I tried even with no support or help or anything. It was hard to decide to stop with my first but the best decision I made bc then I was feeling better and we were able to bond another way. We snuggled. And with all three of my babies I would do chest to chest and we would snuggle. The BEST bonding thing for us. They are now 7, 5, and 3 and guess what? They still snuggle with me. Do whats right for you, keep being happy, bc it is true what they say. A happy mama makes a happy baby. Lots of blessings you to and your family. xox

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  22. What matters is the physical and mental well being of you and your child. I usually don't find bloggers (including myself) to be all that brave just for sharing their lives, but this post took some straight up huge balls. I am so proud of you. It's only going to get better from here. I'm so glad you can stop stressing and really enjoy and get to know your little man. If anyone gives you shit about this choice, send them my way and I'll hand them their own ass so the door won't hit it on their way out.

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  23. THANK YOU for this post. I identify with it so much it's unreal! It's happened to me x2. First time I managed it for 2 weeks and the second 3 days. I went through the exact same heartbreak, shame and feeling like a little piece of me had died each time I bottle fed. Now, I have 2 healthy beautiful and bright children and with the benefit of hindsight, I would gladly raise my middle finger in the direction of anyone who gave me the stink eye, commented on, judged or otherwise looked on in smug superiority. My family are happy and I was able to get through the first few months of motherhood without completely going under. I congratulate your honesty xxx

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  24. I'm in the process of weaning my 5.5 month old and the guilt is horrible! I'm not pumping nearly enough while at work and she's started to get frustrated at the breast when I'm with her. Like you, I keep feeling like I need permission to stop. My original goal was 3 months and I'm happy I made it as long as I did. Thank you for your honesty!

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  25. I have no babies, but I really love this post. My little brother (he's like, 22 now, but hey, he'll always be my little bro) never latched onto my mum, but he has always had the strongest bond with her compared to me. It doesn't matter which way you choose to feed your baby as long as it's right for you and your baby. I'd love to breastfeed when I have kids, but bottle feeding is an option too. I like options. High five to you and Linden for working it out :)

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  26. Kaelah, this post is amazing. I gave birth to my little girl Sophie on January 29th, and I too thought that breast feeding wouldn't be all that difficult. But my little girl was jaundiced and tired, and even when she was feeling better, never really latched on very well. So, I tried pumping every two or three hours, and would produce between 50-75% of what she needed. But, my anxiety grew, and my supply dropped, and I developed postpartum anxiety and depression. I also felt guilty and defeated. New motherhood is an amazing, but incredibly stressful time. The most important thing is that baby AND Mama are healthy, and what works best for you and your child is all that matters. Thank you for your incredibly honest and insightful post.

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  27. Oh, girl!! I am so sorry you and to go through all of that. Its really hard, I have been there! Before getting pregnant or even really wanting to, I practically dreamt about breastfeeding one day for some reason. Remy had a really good latch so I just assumed we would be set! Well spending the second day of your baby's life all alone in ICU doesn't really set you up for success. We were only sent home from the hospital once we had a supplementing option figured out. I was so scared by the anti-formula people that I refused formula. I had a really good breastfeeding friend down the street who brought me some milk to use. Well days later when I thought supplementing would be over, it wasn't. I fought so hard for breastfeeding, on the first day Patrick went back to work I literally sat on the couch for 6 hours straight. I repeated the cycle of nurse-pump-cry-remy cry-nurse- pump,etc. It was torture! And then I developed thrush which was the most painful thing ever. I would cry just anticipating that initial latch. I saw the lactation people every other day. I also was not hungry for weeks like you! I thought maybe it was from the c-section. I brought Remy to a lactation appointment being so sure she was gaining weight and nursing was working, well I cried like a crazy person in the office when I found out she had, in fact, lost weight.

    It took me being in the hospital the second time around, finding out my body was pretty much fighting just to survive and still could not give up nursing, even though I never really produced anything. I finally was able to let go after one of the lactation ladies at the hospital talking me through it and asking what I was really afraid/worried of about formula feeding. I told her I was worried about not being close or bonding. She told me her first child she breastfed and it was wonderful and how they are so close. She then told me about her 13 year old daughter who is her best friend and about how close they've always been, and also that she was adopted and obviously never nursed. That made it kind of click in my mind/heart that this wasn't the end of the world.

    I still feel sad about it once in awhile, ESPECIALLY living in the all natural loving Northwest. But I have a healthy baby who is my very good friend already, and she won't care for one second whether or not she was breastfed.

    Sorry for the novel! Ha Ha I just resonate so much with you and your story, and wanted to say you are amazing

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  28. Well done you for opening up and sharing on this. I am a complete hippy, full on natural birthing, baby wearing, breast feeding, organic baby led weaning, co sleeping advocate blah blah blah. But the breast feeding thing just didn't work for me. I tried and tried and it completely tore me up, I felt like I had failed. Now, three babies on and three fails later (these boobs just ain't meant for milking) I realise that all of the above doesn't matter a hoot. All a baby needs is all your love and as long as it gets that it will grow to be a wonderful person. You are doing a fabulous job, your tears will dry up and then you will realise that you are all that baby needs!!!

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  29. You tried so hard and you have nothing to feel bad about. You and your baby are now thriving and that is not the main thing, it’s the ONLY thing.

    You are doing a fine job!

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  30. Love the post and for you being so real about it. I truly think so many people judge women regarding breastfeeding. And sometimes we just aren't able to do it...as much as we really wanted to. Love your blog and think you are amazing!! :)

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  31. Good for you. Give the stink eye back, I say

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  32. I was the same as you, thought breastfeeding was going to be this natural, beautiful thing that we would just automatically be able to to and while we did it a halo of white light would surround us an angels would sing! Wow what a wake up call it was, breastfeeding is SO hard, painful, frustrating, and not at all like I thought! Linden is healthy, you are healthy, and THAT is all that matters.

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  33. I feel that it's a case by case scenario you know? My best friend had no problems with breastfeeding and did it until her daughter was 18 months, my other friend? couldn't get on with it at all. Happiness is key here!

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  34. Even as someone who isn't a mother (but has a lot of friends who are young moms) I really do feel like our society as a whole really pushes the "pro-breast" idea, when really, we should be "pro-Mom." It was really brave of you to make this post, since I think that, as proven by your stink-eye-giving old ladies at the mall, people are so quick to "judge" the choices that other mothers make about their children. Linden is your baby and YOU and MIKE know what's best for him and the rest of your family. If the best choice is a bottle, then so be it! Linden is just adorable and I'm so glad that you are enjoying him!
    Keep on doing what you're doing, Kaelah! Much love :)

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  35. Thanks for sharing, Kaelah. I'm sure this post will be so, so helpful for future moms. It's such a difficult time and we need all the encouragement and support we can get. I remember searching for posts just like this when my daughter was born. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks but I believe you've made the right decision. Choosing what's best for your family as a whole is so important. Stay strong! You're doing an amazing job.

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  36. Thank you so much. This post is exactly what I needed to read. I, myself, am struggling with breastfeeding and bottle feeding seems like the best route for me right now. Although my 3 week old wasn't losing weight, breastmilk wasn't satisfying her and it breaks my heart. There are days when I still feel inadequate because of it and seeing my mommy friends successful at it doesn't make me feel good about myself at all. I just need to keep reminding myself that a happy baby makes a happy mommy :)

    Btw, you're kicking ass as a mom. xo.

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  37. I have always been an advocate for doing what's best for you and your family. I find breastfeeding wonderful and amazing and difficult and I know that it's not for everyone. I think it's pretty wonderful that there are options out there for people who need something different. At the other end of the spectrum, I've seen that there's just as much of a stigma attached to breastfeeding as there is to bottle feeding. If I feed my baby in public I get all the dirty looks. I think it's wonderful to do what works for you so keep it up!

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  38. Good for you, Lovely. I think breastfeeding is romanticized, like so many postpartum issues seem to be. It's not always easy, it's sometimes really challenging, and the "best is best" propaganda can be just awful when you're already beating yourself up over something you know you shouldn't be beating yourself up over. Babies! Good grief. :)

    I'm proud of you (is that weird...? I don't mean to sound patronizing. At. All). I love that you took stock of all of your experiences and your incredibly valid feelings and made a decision that was best for you and for Linden and for your whole family. Bottle feeding is a beautiful thing! Now you have peace of mind and a lot less stress. I think that's awesome. :) And the stink-eye-ers? They can go away. They can stop judging things they know nothing about. They can offer compassion instead of condemnation. I have a string of four letter words adding up in my head that I will save for my own muttering, but few things make me as angry as people who don't support new parents, whether it be because of differing opinions in childbirth, or breastfeeding, or diaper choices, or every other element of doing the best you can for you and your family. It's difficult enough, sometimes, to jump into this world with both feet, you don't need assholes judging you for something they know nothing about (because their experiences will always be different from yours, even if they're similar).

    I think you're wonderful and you guys are doing just so awesome. :)

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  39. just in case this is of any interest at all to you, a last ditch for low milk supply
    http://www.lact-aid.com

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  40. Your post couldn't have come at a better time. I too am struggling to breastfeed my 5 week-old baby (she was premature) and have been exclusively pumping/bottle feeding since she was born, all while trying to get her to transition to the breast. Needless to say, we're not having much luck. I was feeling down in the dumps at the possibility of switching over to formula (my supply simply cannot keep up with her growing demands!) but your post is a reminder that the most important thing is that the baby gets fed, the method be damned. It's kinda funny I'm feeling dejected about this because my oldest was also formula fed at an early age (for different reasons) and today, she's a intelligent, funny, happy 3 year old! You did the right thing, for your baby, for yourself and for your family. Thank you for sharing your story - it reminded me I'm doing the right thing too. :)

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  41. Let's try this again...I couldn've written this myself! I didn't hold out as long, but I too made the hard and easy decision to bottle feed. I felt guilty for a while, but then I realized I was a better mom for not stressing and hating every feeding. Kuddos to you for realizing your role as momma was being inhibited by the difficulty of BF. Hugs to you for making the right choice for you and YOUR family!

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  42. Thank you for sharing <3
    I think as parents we can spend our entire lives feeling guilty about every single thing, but we have to accept that not only we're not perfect -"perfect" doesn't exist. You do the best you can with what you have at the moment to provide the best life you can for your family, and I think that should be your (and not only yours) mantra. If you are genuine with yourself and know that you're doing your very best in order to give your lilttle guys everything they need and everything that you feel is important - that is good enough, to say the least. :)

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  43. I got stink eye from old ladies for breastfeeding in the dr's waiting room. You really can't win!
    It makes me sad that mums are judged so much by other mums. As long as baby's tummy is full and he's happy, that's all that matters. Doesn't matter whether its from the breast or a bottle. You are a great mum for realising that and not torturing yourself by trying to carry on breastfeeding :)

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  44. Oh, it's so hard! Breastfeeding is one of the hardest things I've ever done--and I'm saying that as a mother whose infant had a great latch...and it was still so, so hard. We were able to keep at it for 6 months before I drew the line in the sand--I was exhausted (baby not sleeping), back to work fulltime and pumping, and I was stressing over supply to the point that I was starting to lose it. So from that point on we lived happily ever after with the help of formula, and I have not regretted it one day since. Healthy/happy mom, healthy/happy babe! I'm not usually a blog-linker in a comment, but oddly, I just wrote about my experience with breastfeeding last week: http://thefledglingmatriarch.blogspot.com/2014/09/holding-on-and-letting-go-breastfeeding.html

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  45. First of all - the older women who gave you stink-eye at the mall ?? They are morons!! (sorry, but true LOL) The best thing to remember (all through the years) is this: Do what works, and what makes your family HAPPY !! In child-rearing (as in life)... it rarely goes as we expect it too :) But that's ok........sometimes it goes even better darlin'!!

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  46. Catching up on your blog and, WOW. Your posts on Linden and motherhood are so candid and beautiful. It sounds like you're making a lot of good, thoughtful choices. :)

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  47. Thank you so much for posting this. Your honesty is so breathtaking and SO empowering for other women. The standards set up by our culture can be so damaging and the guidance around important things like birth, breast feeding, self care do not lend themselves to our journey. I have so much to say about this but I doubt there's room. I'll hold space for you mama, and everything you're going through. I've been there (pretty recently) and still struggle with my feelings about it almost 2 years later. We are GOOD MOMS. We were born for this. <3

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  48. I'm so happy I stumbled upon this blog post of yours. I gave birth to my daughter in August and I desperately wanted to breastfeed as it didn't work out with my older son. Unfortunately, she wasn't interested and didn't eat the first 24 hours. We finally got her to eat a bit before we left the hospital but once we got home things went down hill. I started pumping and that was working well but my supply started to drop from hormones and the stress of taking care of two kids on my own (my SO is out of town a lot for work). I started to associate pumping with stress and anxiety to the point where it became something I dreaded. Eventually we decided it was best to switch to formula but I was filled with such guilt that it took over a week for me to even be able to stop pumping (even though I was only pumping only a couple ounces a day). I'm still filled with guilt so it's nice to hear other moms that have struggled and come to terms with their decision. I too feel like the stigma of bottle feeding is overwhelming but I think it's important to focus on your message that we're providing our children what they need and that's the most important thing.

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HEY! Thanks for dropping by. xo KB