// 2 Weeks with Linden

Today Linden is 16 days old... sixteen! What?! It's not so much a surprise that the past 16 days have flown by, but more so a surprise that I've actually survived them. It certainly hasn't been all rainbows and unicorns over here, folks. I'm tired. I'm drained. I'm flustered. I'm stressed. But I'm also totally in love. I'll go ahead and warn you though... this post isn't overly poetic or lovely. It's pretty nitty gritty and real.

The first night home from the hospital was easily, hands down, the worst night of my life. Not only did I forget to fill my pain med prescription before coming home (emergency c-section, woo!), Linden refused to be soothed. Nothing we tried would work. He'd just scream and scream and scream. 7:30am Saturday rolled around and we finally got him to calm down enough to sleep with Mike in our bed. And then at 7:45am the banging on our roof started. Yeah, because apparently it's a totally brilliant idea to replace your roof (with a tin roof, nonetheless) the morning after you bring home a 2 day old newborn. I think I got all of 45 minutes sleep between the unbelievable pain (I couldn't sleep in our bed because I couldn't get up thanks to my incision), the screaming, and the hammering on the roof. My mom came over around 8:30am and I just cried. And cried, and cried, and cried. She was able to go fill my prescription and I tried getting sleep any time I could.
Sunday was a lot of the same... pain, crying, and hammering. But it was the following week that I was concerned with. Mike headed back to school on the Monday following Linden's birth and I was left with Linden and Toby, all on my own. I don't really remember much now that I try to think about it, but I know it wasn't easy. I've had a lot of trouble breastfeeding thus far, and usually that would end up with me crying four or five times a day (on a good day!), and just feeling like a failure. I finally called the lactation department at the hospital that Thursday, in absolute tears, begging to be seen. Luckily they were able to squeeze me in after a pediatrician's visit (you know, the fourth in five days...). The consultation went well, but it all started slipping away again once I tried to implement everything at home. I've seriously never felt so defeated in my life. Linden was losing weight, we had to start supplementing, and the cycle of "Worst Mom Ever!" just kept repeating itself. I know most of it was/is due to my hormones, but man, it was/is hard.

The weekend came and I was so relieved. Mike was be here to help me and Toby headed to his grandparents' house. But Linden decided that weekends are no fun for him and that's when he really wants to get upset. And of course the roof work continued. A family friend who has worked in the maternity ward as an RN for a while came by on Sunday to help me with breastfeeding at home. Those 2 hours were life-changing. I felt like I could actually do it for once. Of course we're still supplementing and still having some challenges, but I'm hoping I can hold it together and power through. I never knew how hard breastfeeding was... It always seemed like it came so naturally for so many mothers. Of course I have a whole post written in my head about this topic so maybe I'll get around to actually typing it up before long.

This week was a bit of a doozy because Linden has been very fussy (thanks first growth spurt!) I haven't slept in our bed in over a week and a half, but instead have been building a pillow fortress on the couch and trying to catch a few minutes of shut eye in between crying spells. Mike finally migrated out to the couch with me, and I often hand Linden off around 5am so I can get at least an hour of sleep before waking Toby up for school. Speaking of school, Toby started kindergarten this week! Yesterday was his first full day and he'll go 3 days next week. I wasn't sure I'd be able to get it all together to drop him off, but it went smoother than expected. I hope the same can be said for next week. I totally cried after dropping him off this morning because he said he didn't need me to walk him in. He totally had it. He was eager and willing to head straight into a brand new school all on his own. I cried because I was overwhelmed with pride (he's so independent!), fear (I was so worried he'd be scared) and exhaustion (because newborn). I breathed a sigh of relief when we picked him up from school and he said he had an amazing first day.

Right now I'm just trying to survive. I'm seriously in survival mode. It's hard and exhausting, but I know I'll miss these first precious weeks once he's bigger. I'm trying to not let the stress get the best of me. It's difficult since Mike is in school full-time and I'm trying to work and juggle the baby. Most days I am confined to the couch for all hours of the day unless Mike is here to relieve me. He's been amazing though... taking the baby as soon as he gets home, letting me grab an hour or two of sleep while he manages dinner, bath time, and tucking Toby into bed. It's an adjustment for all of us. I've been reading a lot of breastfeeding articles and watching a bunch of videos, and I just keep trying to remind myself that every mother goes through this tough phase. It's normal. I'm hoping the Baby Blues don't wash over me. For now I'm just trying to remind myself that this precious little creature was created by my body and I am fully capable of nurturing and sustaining it. Some days I feel like I might be at my wit's end, but then he snuggles into the crook of my arm and all seems right with the world. 
I know, it's not the overly sweet and poetic post I had thought I would write about our first couple of weeks at home, but it's the truth. I definitely want to remember all of the amazing/magical/sweet moments of being a new mom, but I also promised myself I'd be totally honest with my experience (if even just for my own sake). Luckily I have several mom friends who had babies around the same time as me and I can lean on them for support, guidance, or just general commiserating. We're making it... and that's the important part. I'm so grateful for this experience, but I certainly didn't expect it to be this hard haha. Naive, much?

44 comments:

  1. First of all....CONGRATS! I must have missed the post about you having the baby! Second, preach it sister! My hubby and I are kinda trying for kids now and I'm petrified that I won't even be able to handle this mother thing. So I am SO looking for real advice! I have no idea what you're going through, but I can say that from being an avid reader and working with you, you are an amazing strong woman and you can do anything!!!! You'll get through this like everything else...with fierce determination!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I didn't realize when I messaged you on twitter a few hours ago that you had this post about to go live and I could just read it. I can't say much - I've only been home a few hours. And I've got no idea what to say, exactly, except that I wanted you to know that my last few days in the hospital and then my day home... I needed your post. I needed to read that you are crying all the time, too. I'm so sorry that you are but at the same time all I could think was "oh god someone else is here with me". We are not successfully breastfeeding - I pump and we have to feed her separately - and sometimes I feel like the worst mother in the planet because I can't do this thing that is supposed to be what my body is made to do - and then I try to remember that my baby is eating, my baby is getting fed, she finally has a full tummy and our diapers are regular again and MY BABY IS EATING. So just remember - your baby is eating. Honestly, where the food comes from is less important than that he's eating and putting his weight back on now. And you are healing - the most important thing you can give him is a mama there to love him and he already has that, and a great dad and an awesome older brother. Everything else is just gonna be white noise in the end...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for a wonderful honest post about motherhood o.o I would have loved to have read this when my son was a couple of weeks, and the breastfeeding just fell apart for us :.(
    But, let me say this, maybe it´ll help you, as it did me :.) You dont need to breastfeed at any cost, your son has already gotten the most important stuff that he needs from your own milk.
    We switched to bottlefeeding after a couple of weeks, and the stress just vanished, we all started to enjoy feeding time :) And I am so glad that his dad got to have such a big part in it, as I did :.)
    Sure, it still stings from time to time, that I didnt succeed in breastfeeding, but I still got something pretty great instead :.)
    So good luck and dont blame yourself it it doesent work out, it happens to lot of us, and we are still great moms :.) <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. Newborns aren't all sunshine and rainbows that a lot of bloggers make it out to be. My first couple weeks at home with my son weren't as difficult as yours (I really feel your c-section pain though), but there were some pretty trying times. All worth it, of course, but it is really hard! I appreciate the honesty.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Aw really great post, sounds like quite the obstacles to overcome. Adorable pics too!

    Jade x
    jadethejourno.blogspot.co.uk ♡

    ReplyDelete
  6. I know it's hard to be a new mom, but gah, I had no idea it was THAT hard! I really hope things get easier for you and that you find your ~mama groove~ and that you only cry because you're happy and proud, not stressed! Love you (and all of yours!)! Hang in there! ♥

    ReplyDelete
  7. what a doll baby! so precious! :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. hi kaelah! thank you for your honest post. i feel like one of the big bad secrets of motherhood in the US is that NO ONE TELLS YOU how incredibly hard the postpartum period is going to be. people think it's going to be all cuddles and amazing bonding but more often it's crying and crazy and hormonal---and i think people just don't know how to function when the reality doesn't match up with what we see in books, movies, or in our heads. we don't have enough support for new moms built into our society, which is part of the problem, but i think your honest post is helping to pull the screen away from the truth about the postpartum period. that's good!!

    if you can get up the mental and emotional energy, you might try a breastfeeding support group in your area. la leche league isn't for everyone, but there are other options, too. it can be really awesome to see other moms successfully breastfeeding older babies (even just a few weeks older!!), meet moms with babies close to linden's ages, hear about successes and challenges, get tips, and just start to build your village of women who have been there or are down there in the trenches with you. i know you are good at the internet and can use google (DUH!) but here is a list of groups in your area: http://www.nashvillebreastfeeding.org/resources-support/ i don't know where you live but maybe there is somewhere near you!!

    wishing you much love on your mama journey. you are doing great!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. This newborn shit is tough, as we've talked about many times. I wish I could say "I wish someone had told me!" but the fact is, there are 80 million blog posts and articles talking about it. There's just no way you can grasp the frustration, the exhaustion, the love, the happiness, the crushing guilt until you've gone through it.

    The other day a pregnant friend of mine said something like, "I can't wait for my baby to get here!" and all I wanted was to tell her to enjoy her time pregnant, to relax and take it all in, to not rush it. But I stopped myself when I realized that I was told that same thing again and again and I still wished away my pregnancy. I was still blindsided by all the postpartum feelings and emotions. Just part of the ride, I guess.

    For what it's worth, I think you're doing amazingly well. The guilt, the caring, all of that just means you are a badass mom who wants the best for her son, and that's all Linden could ask for. Someone told me on Instagram that as long as the baby is "safe and loved," we're doing alright. I know you were worried about this post, and I'm sure some jackass somewhere will say some dumbass shit, but I think you will have really helped some people with it. I hope this doesn't sound weird, but blogs with your size readership aren't really known for being honest about this stuff, instead choosing to share photos of a baby against an inexplicably clean floor in a $45 onesie covered in arrows...so I think this is awesome.

    I've been meaning to apologize for texting and tweeting you so much since I realized it could come off as really annoying and overwhelming. I don't have a lot of friends (okay, no friends yet, haha) in Vermont so it's been nice having someone going through this as I am. Lots of love to you, and you always know where to find me. <3

    ReplyDelete
  10. This just made my cry! I don't even have any children of my own (yet) but I feel for you. A perfect storm of stress and adjustment. No one on earth thinks your a bad mother (not that anyone should be passin' judement - this baby raising this is hard! I have my boyfriends 5 year old and I'm in over my head and she's basically a mini-adult!).

    As far as breastfeeding - I've seen from some of my closest friends and family how truly difficult it can be. You're doing everything you can for your little and not continuing doesn't make you a failure or any less of a great mom. My best friend had a serious struggle because 'breast is best' was implemented in her mind. She did not want to supplement. But when the stars aren't aligning and the baby is hungry and losing weight - whats better? Supplementing or a hungry baby? It's a no-brainer! You do what's best for you and your family because you're the momma and you know the in's and out's of what's going on.

    I love this post. It's real and truthful and putting it out there makes every other mom, dad, mom-to-be or step-mom or adoptive parents...anyone, feel like they have some solidarity with another women, and reading the comments makes you realize there are so many more!

    I have to say again: I love this post, love your family. You're doing great momma. I hope you feel better soon. No other invasive surgery would be followed by the hectic-ness like having a newborn. Props to you!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I like this post a lot, not your struggle but the fact that you're staying real with us. I appreciate the truth as someone who doesn't have a baby. That way in the event that someday something similar were to happen it doesn't hit me like a tone of bricks lol.

    Thanks for sharing you sweet pea with us <3

    ReplyDelete
  12. There was a blog post written on childbirth by a Caroline Hirons...who ain't afraid to tell it like it is...I think you would really love the post...my sister has had two kids and she was completely nodding in agreement with it.
    http://www.carolinehirons.com/2014/06/pregnancy-breasts-dummies-and.html

    Good Luck and congrats . x

    ReplyDelete
  13. You're doing GREAT. Seriously! I slept for three weeks in the recliner in our living room with Myles when he was born. And even though we have a wonderful breastfeeding routine now, it took a several months to get it established. I struggled a lot at first. Thankfully I had La Leche League to help. I'm glad you have a good support system, that makes a big difference!! You can do it!!
    -Mandi (lifeinbeta.com)

    ReplyDelete
  14. I LOVE YOU for being so honest about how crazy and overwhelming it is bringing a newborn home. I too had an emergency C-Section and totallllly agree that the first night we brought our son, Tallon, home was the worst night of our lives! For the first month of Tallon's life, I cried every night my husband would go home from work. I literally felt like my life was spiraling down black home at morph speed and I had no way of stopping it. For some reason I assume Tallon would be a newborn the rest of his life? who knows, hormones mess your brain! again congrats, I know this time is so shitty and amazing at the same time. The best is yet to come :) PS-we need to do a play date, my son is three!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Not naive at all, I thought breastfeeding would be the easiest thing in the world and that I would feed my little one right up till he was year old. Well it all went to shit pretty fast, he was combo feed for 14 weeks then feed on formula till a year and you no what he's great and we have a great bond, so I'm ok it didn't work out.

    The first few weeks are the hardest of your life, it's gets better and hopefully your feeding will get easier

    Good Luck and congrats on that handsome little one :-)

    ReplyDelete
  16. I've never understood how new mums manage to cope if they've had caesareans - to be honest the fact that you've still managed to put together blog posts and tweets and everything is amazing to me! I'm a huge lurker on your blog and don't comment very often but I read everything you post and just wanted to say that I think you're doing great and I'm sure everyone else who reads would agree!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Congrats on your new addition - he is beautiful! You are not alone - any mother will tell you that there is nothing easy about a new baby. Doesn't matter if it's your first or third, it's hard. Breastfeeding came naturally for me, but I cried for other reasons. Lack of sleep will do it. My husband didn't get any maternity leave as he was finishing up school, and we had to move four weeks later, so our furniture had to be packed up. I didn't see my bed for a while either. It's hard, so hard... but so worth it! :). You are doing good momma!

    ReplyDelete
  18. The first two weeks, in my opinion, were the very hardest. Your hormones are still weird, breastfeeding still hurts, and you are t i r e d. But it does get better! And it sounds like you are doing things the best way they could be done. I supplemented with my baby for a few weeks, and honestly thought I would have to just quit nursing altogether, but here we are at nearly a year and we're still going strong! If it's at all possible with your incision, I totally recommend trying to nurse in the reclining position. Those first months I would let my baby nurse that way and try and sleep while he was nursing. You are amazing! Things WILL get better!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh bunny, you are NOT alone! Those first few weeks with my little one were just as hard! I truly wish more women would write about the reality of it all. I also had to have an emergency c-section and had issues breastfeeding. It was SO painful that I cried each time. I sadly had to give it up shortly after getting the hang of it because no matter how much I fed him and how much I pumped I could produce enough and I started to dry up. Just know that you are doing great! Yes, it sucks because you can hardly move and you are SO tired, but that's where our mommy instincts kick in and we find a way to get up for the 10th time in the night with just an hour of shut eye. You are amazing and you will get through it! It gets easier and so much more fun!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I remember the first few weeks after having my first son, it was so exhausting. But all totally worth it, because it eventually gets easier.
    :) Also Im sure it helps some that he is just the cutest thing ever!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. You've got this!! But, as it seems everyone else is saying, it is HARD. So so so hard. And no one is ever prepared - even though people tell you before you have your child, it's impossible to understand until you've been through it. But you are DOING IT. Like you said. Just know that you are absolutely not alone. However... I just have to say, Linden is ADORABLE. Oh my goodness. I have two of my own and am 99% sure we are done but seeing the beyond adorable picture of him snoozing away made me (just a little) sad that I won't have another one that small.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Oh I meant to tell you... a sweet neighbor of mine told me during those first few weeks of breastfeeding to just take it one day at a time. Each morning, have your goal be to get through that day nursing your baby... and then the next morning and so on... and it worked. It eventually got easier and less painful and even though during those first few weeks, I thought "how in the HECK am I going to do this for a full month, let alone a year", soon enough we were in an amazing routine and it was second nature.

    ReplyDelete
  23. HOLY. CRAP. KAELAH. I could have written this post myself. This is exactly how it was when I had my little boy. I'll save you my story, because you've got enough going on. I'll just say, I never relate to other women's posts about having a newborn. Ever. This post? 100% accurate! I absolutely have to say a few things to you:

    1) You are not a bad mother. People hardly ever speak so candidly about how completely shitty having a baby can be, and I think it does a lot of other mothers a disservice. Obviously not everyone's experience I scrappy, but I wish people were more aware that it completely can be, and that's perfectly normal.

    2) Don't be afraid of formula if nursing isn't working. Sometimes it just doesn't :( My kid cried nonstop. Nonstop. Nonstop. But then, a month after he was born, we started giving him formula and it was the most amazing thing ever. Apparently my body wasn't creating enough milk, so the kid was just hungry all of the time and we didn't know. Also, formula allows Mike to let you sleep in and feed Linden himself!

    3) Do not ever hesitate to ask for help. You probably don't, but I know that I kept my frustrations and negative feelings to myself, telling only the husband occasionally.

    4) My first "checkup" a few weeks after my son was born wasn't actually a body checkup, but an emotional checkup. If you have one of these (I hope you do) be as honest as possible! At my checkup they told me I had PPD (definitely wasn't shocked) and gave me medication. It sucks to be in that situation, but it can change everything. I was numb for the first six weeks. I hated everything, I regretted having a child. It was just all kinds of awful. But by talking to doctors and taking medication, the fog lifted and I started to feel so much better. I'm not saying this is how you feel, please don't hesitate to tell someone if you do think you may have PPD.

    5) There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Seriously, it's there. The first couple months are.. Well. This. But never forget, it's going to pass.

    I hate cliche sayings, but I've been following for blog for years and lady, you are tough and determined. You also have great family around you. You're going to be just fine, promise!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I find it so interesting that people don't talk about the hard parts. Everyone pushes breastfeeding and makes it seem so easy, but it wasn't until my 8 hour long birthing class where the nurse said "Don't let anyone fool you. It isn't easy. Neither of you know how to do this so you have to learn together." Ryder had 2nd degree tongue tie so it was also super painful for the first week until we got it corrected, but even then I didn't really enjoy BFing. Those first few months, I felt like nothing but a boob. He had to eat every two hours and by the time I was done with one feeding/burping, we had 30 minutes until the next feeding! I want to hug every mom who does it for 6 months or more. I lasted 2 1/2 months before I switched to formula because it was less time consuming. I also didn't miss leaking milk all over the place.

    No matter what, please remember you are doing great!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I went through the same thing, and for the record, all 3 of my kids grew up healthy, happy and loved even though I didn't breastfeed long!

      Delete
  25. What an important blog post and well done for sharing. You have actually managed to articulate those first few weeks perfectly. I felt EXACTLY THE SAME!!! The first night we got home Ophelia just WOULD NOT SETTLE OR SLEEP!!!! Callum and I didn't sleep for 36 HOURS STRAIGHT!!!!! If i'm honest, I found the first month horrible! We struggled to breast feed, Callum even had to try to physically help me and I got SO frustrated and upset, I would sit and cry and cry because she would be so so hungry. She lost quite a lot of weight so I had daily visits trying to help, I thought about giving up so many times but one day something changed and got better from there. I still (part time) breast feed now (Ophelia just turned one). Basically what i'm trying to say is that don't believe the hype, yes, some newborns do sleep 24 hours a day and don't cry, but not all! You are doing genuinely amazing, lack of sleep and finding your feet is not a walk in the park. But believe me, it really does get better, you DO find your feet and soon he'll be one and you'll genuinely have forgotten the physical and mental pain. HUGS xxx

    ReplyDelete
  26. Oh Kaelah you are amazing!! Look at this beautiful baby you have made? I can't say I understand how tough it is because I've never experienced it, but I've seen friends tear themselves apart when breastfeeding hasn't worked for them. One friend even struggled so much she would hide away in her bedroom every time she tried because it hurt her so much but she felt like a failure if she didn't breastfeed. In the end it made both her and baby unhappy so they switched to formula and everyone was a lot happier.
    Do not beat yourself up, as long as you guys are happy and healthy that's all that matters.
    You and your gorgeous family are just awesome. xx

    ReplyDelete
  27. I already wrote out my son's birth story (he's now 6 weeks) but you make me want to do an update and talk about myself more than him. Because you are so write when you say that we as mamas have to heal (physically and emotionally) as well. We require just as much care as baby.

    I as well had an unplanned c-section. It wasn't an emergency but I pushed for 3 hours when my midwife suggested we do a c-section because he just wasn't moving past my pelvic bone. I had no clue what to expect when I had a c-section because I did no research thinking I wouldn't need one since everything seemed fine during the pregnancy. After he was born I had the hardest time walking for at least two weeks and that first night after he was born was by far the worst (obviously). The first time the nurses told me I needed to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom and try to go on my own I teared up and almost yelled at them. The pain was awful. And I have a high pain tolerance (I thought). I know it's hard, but try to take it easy. After the first week when I was finally able to go up and down the steps without help, I pushed myself a little too hard and ended up getting even worse pain where my left side inside stitch is located. Now at just about 6 weeks out, this has been my first week with very very limited pain (the only pain I really have is my actual incision because my son likes to kick it with his little feet ha). And it got worse before it got better. But know that it gets better! C-sections suck but on the plus side they got that kid out quickly, my c-section took a whole twenty five minutes or so and the baby was out in the first five! And you seem to be doing great to me, you were able to get some adorable photos of him! I was in so much pain I couldn't move out of bed to get beautiful photos like that. And if I did get a photo it was not super pretty so cuddos to you mama! You are doing such a great job!!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I could have written this post 10 years ago. I went through similar difficulties and I reluctantly switched to formula and that changed my life! Although that may not be the answer for you, know whatever choices you make are OK! Do what you need to and know that this too shall pass-and you can do it! XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  29. Well done for being so honest. You can do this! Please never think you are a bad mum. You're doing your best and giving him lots of love, which is the most important thing. Can't wait to watch you grow as a family. x

    ReplyDelete
  30. Girl... I FEEL YOU. Breastfeeding was not easy in the beginning like all the books make it out to be. If you're on Facebook, you should join your local La Leche League group. I probably wouldn't be breastfeeding still if it weren't for all of the help and support they provided in that first week and even still. I cried every single time I had to feed him for, like, five days. I started using expressed breast milk on my nips to heal and leaving them out in the open as much as possible. They healed right up! Anyway, if you have ANY questions or just need reassurance, don't hesitate to contact me! There is SO much support out there, and it is totally possible to keep breastfeeding him. <3

    ReplyDelete
  31. Oh honey, hang in there! I'm not gonna lie and say it gets easier-- but I do guarantee that it will go by in the blink of an eye. You'll find your stride, just hold on. Sometimes surviving is enough, you know?

    ReplyDelete
  32. No one tells you that you will be spending the next two months, topless, on the couch after you have your baby. The first three months are the hardest, but remember everything with a baby is only temporary. Smile hard when you can, dear. It's a rough road so be sure to savor the sunshine when you can.

    ReplyDelete
  33. i cannot even begin to imagine how difficult those first few weeks are. i don't have any children myself, but i can only imagine things getting better after a while :) hang in there, good luck!
    xo, cheyenne

    ReplyDelete
  34. Oh sweetie be nice to yourself! You're the best mom this little boy could have and he probably won't start thinking otherwise until he's a teen, so bask in this feeling while it lasts :) No, seriously, I know how challenging these first weeks can be. I myself went down with a serious case of PPD, so I can tell you it's all about the hormones. It has nothing to do with you being a bad mother. Yes, breastfeeding is hard and challenging, I couldn't believe it either, I thought, like you, it was supposed to be all smooth sailing and very instinctive. I know you're doing your best to make it work and no one can ask for more. In the end I was able to breastfeed my daughter but I had to wean my son because he was losing too much weight. And it was OK. It happens. The important thing is, while you take care of this little peanut, don't forget to take care of yourself. Be good to you. You're doing an amazing job!
    (Also I hope your hormones will leave you alone soon enough. If not don't hesitate to ask for help. It's OK too. It doesn't mean you're a bad mother!)

    ReplyDelete
  35. Thank you so much for sharing this! I'm really glad that you're staying real and don't pretend that everything's great when it isn't.
    I hope everything will get better soon... and I'm sure you're a great mom! Don't be so hard on yourself.
    Good luck! ♥

    ReplyDelete
  36. Definitely not alone here girl...I could have written your post, those first couple weeks are HARD, heck, the first year is hard...but it gets better. It does. I had horrible ppd and I look back now and regret how sad and upset I was about everything, I blogged a lot about it to let out my feelers. But just wanted to let you know you're not alone!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Kaelah- the first 2 weeks really are the hardest. I just had my first baby girl on May 30th so I know exactly how you are feeling. I too had big plans for breastfeeding, but unfortunately it just did not pan out. My breasts did not produce enough for my little piggy and therefore I had to use formula. Which I was totally against prior to having a baby and I will not lie, I used to judge women who used it and did not even attempt breast feeding-which I still kind of do if you don't attempt it because yeah. Anyway some things you just cannot help. I too contacted the Leche League and tried supplements and a breast pump-nothing worked and it made me sad. And just the other day a coworker asked me if I had breast fed my baby and when I told her I couldn't, she called me a bad mommy. Kidding or not, it's rude and you don't know what someone else goes thru unless you are in their shoes. Of course I wanted to breast feed and have the best nutrition for my baby that is free on top of that. But 2 weeks was all I was able to do. I just wanted to let you know I think you are amazing and sweet Linden is so lucky to have you and your family to raise him. Hang in there sweetie. Before you know it you will be wishing he was that small already. I know I do, and my Chloe is only 10 weeks old. You got this girl and you will ok...I promise! :) Hugs!!

    ReplyDelete
  38. This is probably the most honest blogpost I've ever read. I admire you so much and thank you for sharing your thoughts. Linden is just adorable and things will get easier for all of you.

    Katrina Sophia

    ReplyDelete
  39. Hey, everyone's still alive, that's a win in my book! Being the parent of a teeny baby is NOT EASY. You're doing the best you can for you and your whole family and that is what is important, not formula vs breastmilk, cute outfits, being chirpy and happy, etc. It is very very hard to let go of your and society's expectations for motherhood but the more you can do that, and just do what feels right for you and your family, the easier and happier it will get. It's clear just from this post that you are working hard at being the best mama you can be and that's all that matters! Thanks for being open and honest with us, your readers. Wishing you lots of love and support (if you [or any other commenters reading this] ever need support/advice re: breastfeeding, bedsharing, or cloth diapering, email me - I've helped out a few friends and am happy to share the love - melarossa at gmail).

    ReplyDelete
  40. I personally think people just don't mention the bad parts to others, so I think it is very refreshing and REAL!

    ReplyDelete
  41. I recently had a newborn too, and I love the honesty of this point! It ain't easy!

    ReplyDelete
  42. How precious is this sweet baby boy! <3 You're looks gorgeous too Mama!

    ReplyDelete

HEY! Thanks for dropping by. xo KB