// Worn Out + Beaten Down

I'd be lying if I sad the past 7 days were anything other than excruciatingly stressful. I feel like I've put my mind and body through more over the past week than it's experienced since last summer. It seems that about once a year or so I go through a period of one to two weeks of torture when it comes to work and all things related. I've been very blessed to be booked up solid for design work for weeks. Last Monday I was starting on two ro three new projects with clients, rounding out a huge design project (with a very tight deadline), trying to manage life around here, etc. Then out of nowhere a past project sort of just blows up. Everything was deleted. Not by the fault of anyone, but just by accident. That's not exactly the kind of email you want to wake up to on a Monday morning. I skipped blogging for three days hoping I could sort of pull myself up from the stress, but I messed up by going into the week thinking "Oh my gosh! I'm screwed. I can't do this. I don't know how I'm going to manage." Rookie mistake to psych myself out... The week trickled on and I worked double hours in my office. Normally I strive to answer my last email around 5pm and then spend the rest of the evening on the opposite side of the house from my office. Instead, I was responding to client emails and inquiries at 9pm or later because I couldn't earlier in the day. Being busy is a great problem to have, especially when they're paying clients. I'm definitely not complaining there. But sometimes life falls into your lap and you're left thinking "Um, what now?!". I failed to account for the unexpected and then the unexpected totally happened.

It was okay though. As stressful as the week was, I made it through. My clients were kind and understanding. My husband picked up some of my slack around the house. I kept working for the weekend. I installed the huge project on Friday, and only have a few lingering things to tie up. I rolled a few clients around in my schedule to try and give the best service possible and Friday evening couldn't come fast enough. Then Mike got sick on Friday, and felt like crap on Saturday, too (and even still). We spent the day in Nashville as Toby went to see his grandparents and little did I know that was going to be the start of the saddest/scariest nights ever. Mike had to swing by airport parking to pick up his parents' car while they were out of town, so I drove Mike's truck. After spending a really fun day together and enjoying ourselves, we grabbed a bite to eat in the next town over and then decide to head home. It's an easy 45 minute drive, but it's on a country highway that winds around the hills like crazy, and it's pitch black out. It's really well known for the deer population that like to jump out in front of your car as you make your way up and down the hills. It was 10pm and the weather was perfect. I was driving Mike's truck home, going 55mph, and leading a string of about a half dozen cars. Mike had Toby with him and had stopped to put gas in his parents' car so he was a few miles back. I was making my way up the base of County Line Hill when I rounded a curve and all of a sudden, not even 2 feet in front of my truck, there was a brown dog staring at me.

There's no subtle way to say it: I hit the dog. Head on. Going 55mph.

I know I shouldn't swerve, especially on that highway. The drop-off on either side gets to be incredibly steep at varying points and the curves make it dangerous already. The second I hit the dog I jerked over in the lane, trying to put my truck as far into the shoulder as possible. I couldn't see anything because it was so dark, but the 6 or so cars that were behind me just kept passing me... they saw what happened! I'm already sitting on the side of the road screaming and crying. I couldn't turn around there so I went about a 1/10th of a mile down the road to turn around. Mike had no cell phone service and I only had 10% battery life so I called my mom. She answered the phone and screamed "What's wrong?!". I couldn't even make out real sentences. I was only 20 minutes out of town but it took my parents an hour to get there because I couldn't even tell them where I was. I was able to scream "hit dog. mike car parents airport" before hanging up. I pulled back around to where the dog was laying in the road and I tried flagging down anyone I could from my truck. No one stopped. Mike recognized the truck from it's headlights and pulled back around to me. I stumbled out of the car and just fell on him screaming that I hit that poor dog. It was just laying there and I didn't know what to do. I wasn't going to leave it! I had to find someone to help, but I could barely even stand up. Mike checked on the dog and told me that the dog was non-responsive, but breathing. Then I really went into a fit. It must've been in so much pain! The only thing worse than killing a dog with your truck is almost killing a dog with your truck!

Mike put me in the car with Toby and I know I had to scare him to death. I couldn't stop hyperventilating and at that point the panic attack was full blown. Mike tried flagging down 5 or 6 passing cars but no one would stop. We didn't have cell signal there and there were no houses around that we knew of. Finally after 20 or so minutes of desperately waving to passers-by, a truck stopped. They knew the owners of the dog. I saw them lift the dog up and put him in the bed of their truck then drive down the road. I ran out of the car and over to the nearby field quickly where I proceeded to throw up and cry for the next half hour or more. The guys in truck came back but I couldn't even regain my composure. I was a basketcase.

Mike and the guys exchanged information and he assured me that no one was blaming me. It was an "unfortunate situation" and no one meant for it to happen, but the amount of guilt I've felt over the past 36 hours is astronomical. My parents came to where we were so my stepdad could drive the truck home and I rode with Mike. I kept playing it over and over in my head, in slow motion. Clearly doing myself no favors. I kept crying that I killed someone's dog and thinking about how upset I would be if that were Pip or Georgia. Toby broke my heart when I asked if he was okay and he answered "Uh huh. I just want to go home and see Pi'kin and Georgia and Enid and Tater Tot". After we finally got home, Mike put Toby in our bed while I talked to my parents outside. He came out and said "Toby said that he wanted his mommy to come watch cartoons with him because it'd make her feel better and she wouldn't cry". It's going to sound so silly, but that was the best Mother's Day present I could ask for. He wanted me to be happy and not upset. I snuggled up in bed with him to watch one episode of Spongebob before tucking him in and he asked me if I was "still sad about the dead dog" (Subtlety doesn't exist in a 4 year old's world)

That night's sleep was the worst. I had all of these dreams and despite getting 9 hours of shut eye, I was exhausted all Sunday. But Mother's Day with my family was wonderful and I'm trying to count my blessings rather than dwell on the obviously awful event Saturday. We drove past the spot where it happened twice yesterday, and both time I was a bucket of tears. I kept saying to Mike that that was someone's pet! I wasn't speeding, I wasn't distracted, I was completely and 100% focused on driving... why did that have to happen?! I know I'll never feel okay about it, despite knowing there was nothing I could do, but I had hoped that writing it out would make me feel at least a little more peace. I know I'll always drive past that spot and relive that in my head. I'm just so heartbroken that so many people saw it happen but no one wanted to help. 

Now I'm battling whatever sickness I got from Mike. The perfect way to start a new week. I'm trying to let the past week roll off of me like water but sometimes it's tough to feel that sort of defeat. I know this week will be better, but my heart still hurts from everything. All I can think about is how I can hold my composure long enough to call the family that owned the dog (or well, call the friends of the people, then the people) and express my sincere condolences. I would hope the same from someone if the roles were reversed. It just won't be easy.

That's how my week(end) has been. A little bit depressing right? Sometimes you just gotta get that out.  (Of course major thanks to not only my mom, but my stepdad, too, in coming to my aid when I needed them.) xo

58 comments:

  1. Oh man, this post made me cry! I really hope you don't beat yourself up too much more about this. I live off roads very similar to the ones you described and if I was in the same situation I wouldn't have swerved.
    Just keep thinking that you are safe and home, so you can take care of your little family!!! BIG HUGS!!!!

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  2. How awful! I'm so sorry that happened :( I know exactly what that's like, I once hit my neighbor's dog. I felt so terribly guilty and still do.

    Accidents happen, though. And it's terrible, but it's no one's fault and that's the most important thing to realize.

    So sorry the past week has been kind of crap. Sending good thoughts your way, lady.

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  3. Kaelah- I am so sorry, what a traumatic thing to go through! You are such a sweetheart, and the amount of emotion that you feel shows what a caring, sensitive, and loving individual you are. Please know that there is NOTHING you could have done to prevent what happened- I know that is such a hard thing to tell yourself right now, but please know it <3 I am really sorry that had to pop up in your weekend, but things will get better. You have such a cutie son btw- so glad his words helped to cheer you up! Hang in there, sweetie. It will be alright, xoxo

    ~Alyssa
    www.butterfliesonmars.blogspot.com

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  4. Oh my, I am so sorry that must be such a traumatic event. I hope you can cut yourself some slack and find peace in that it was not your fault.

    I hope things turn around this week for you.
    Cheers,

    Alli

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  5. Hey Kaelah.
    I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you had a bad week. I can identify. Last week wasn't that great for me either. And I'm so sorry about the dog! I have pets, too, and I know I would've been a mess if I had hit someone's any animal, let alone someone's pet.
    I'll be praying for peace for your heart as you try to get through this. Rest assured in the knowledge that this was NOT your fault and that it could have happened to anyone.
    Sending lots of love your way!

    -LesLeigh J. of The Wildflower Way

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  6. i'm so sorry! this sounds horribly traumatic in all ways. you shouldn't have had to hit the dog, but things like that just happen and thank god you're okay! can you imagine how terrible it'd have been if you'd not been okay! ): i am so sorry but i hope you feel better soon. perhaps writing about it helped?
    kw ladies in navy

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  7. Hey Kaelah,
    I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you had a bad week. I can identify with you, as I had a bad week myself last week. And I'm so sorry about the dog! I have pets, too, and I know I would have been a mess if I had hit any animal, let alone someone's pet.
    I will be praying for peace and comfort for your heart. Rest assured that this was NOT your fault and that it could have happened to anyone.
    Sending love your way!

    -LesLeigh J.
    http://thewildflowerway.blogspot.com

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  8. That is awful! I am sorry your Mother's Day started off to traumatic. At least you have a loving family that was there to console you and a precious Toby to want his Mommy to not be sad anymore. It is good to look for the silver-linings in things like this when all you can see is the bad parts. You were lucky to have Mike notice you, for your parents to help out, for finding someone who knew the dogs owner and having someone drive you home when you were in no condition to do so. Despite the bad things that happened you are truly blessed.

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  9. Aw man, I can't even imagine how upsetting that was for you...I think I'd react the exact same way (I do so much driving to and from airports that hitting a pet it something I dread). Sending you lots of love, as always. <3

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  10. Oh my god, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you are feeling better; your reaction shows how sensitive and caring you are, and I'm glad you have your sweet family to comfort you.

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  11. What a horrible way to end a week! I'm so sorry that you had to go through something so horrible and that no one would even stop...humanity just fails sometimes.
    I hope you start to feel better soon and your week goes better than last!!

    mysmallrayofsunshine.blogspot.com

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  12. Oh Kaelah, I'm so sorry. I know it is trite but sometimes there is just nothing you can do. As a dog owner I totally understand how upset you are though, and I think the only way you can look at it is you did as much as you could. A lot of people would have just kept driving but you took the time to find the owners, and at the very least they know what happened to the wee guy. Your reaction just shows there are good, caring people still out there. The park we take our dogs to has a road running through it and we have had two terrifying situations where our husky got excited and ran out in the road. Luckily most people are extra careful driving round there because of all the dogs/kids running around but it is still terrifying. The first time it happened I kept my cool long enough to run out and grab her but as soon as I had her on the lead and I was back on the pavement I had a complete break down - I couldn't even explain to my boyfriend why I was so upset when he found us. I was just clinging to her crying. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this that wouldn't have put the dog or you in a safer situation, even if you had swerved he may well have been hit by someone behind you, who probably wouldn't have stopped. Let alone what could have happened to you! I'm repeating myself a lot here, mainly because I'm trying not to get upset myself. Basically, in a horrible situation you did the best anyone could, even if it doesn't feel that way. I've already given my two an extra squeeze, but you can bet they will be getting treats tonight. Go give yourself some time with your family (animals included) and hopefully you will feel a little better. I'm sending you and the poor dog's family lots of love xoxo

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  13. Oh, I am so sorry this happened to you. I know that saying it's not your fault doesn't really make it better, but it was clearly an accident and not your fault. I hope the dog is okay and I hope that you are able to recover soon, too. Sometimes you just have to let it all out to feel better. I hope that's the case for you. Sending lots of good juju your way for a much better week this week than last.

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  14. I am really glad you shared. My past week and a half or so has been the worse and so stressful and tiring but in totally different ways. I just don't know how I would go about writing it all down.
    Carlee

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  15. I hope that writing this post was cathartic and that you're starting to feel a bit better. What a truly craptastic week.

    Accidents can be hard to take- I know I always blame myself after they happen. But this was one of those truly unfortunate things and the efforts you made after it happened speaks volumes about you. I hope the universe grants you a better week or at least lots of cartoons and snuggles from Toby.

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  16. Oh love. I'm so sorry. Sending a big old squishy hug across the pond xxx

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  17. How dreadful. I got so upset reading this story. My parents have three dogs and they're such a part of the family. Although you feel guilty, at least you know it wasn't because of your driving, it was just a complete freak accident. x

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  18. Oh my goodness Kaelah! I am so so sorry that you had to go through something as heartbreaking as this! I would be as distraught about it as you are but just focus on the fact that it wasn't your fault at all. You are a better person for staying behind and making sure he was ok - so many people wouldn't and it breaks my heart when it happens. I hope you start to feel better about it soon, it's a sign that you're such a good person that you're hurting this much xxxxxx

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  19. I'm so sorry that happened!! I'd be a mess if that were me. I think you did the right thing, sad as it is at least the owners know what happened and that it wasn't some jerk who did it on purpose or something, it was an accident.

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  20. Oh Kaelah, I'm so sorry :(. Hugs to you.

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  21. Aw, hon, I'm so sorry you were dealing with that! How crappy!! I feel bad for the dog, but you cannot beat yourself up over this! You did the best you could under the circumstances - hell, even the fact that you turned around and stayed with the dog until you were able to get help, that means a LOT. And you couldn't have avoided it; you were driving the speed limit, you were't distracted, it was just crappy timing on the dog's part. It's not like you could have swerved to avoid him; you could have seriously hurt yourself. And you couldn't just stop, either, not with all those cars behind you. It's really sad what happened, but there wasn't anything that could be done to avoid it in the first place. Hang in there, you're a good person ♥

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  22. Oh my, such a horrible thing to happen after an already terrible work week.
    Sending you a humongously big hug. Here is to a better week. Hope you feel better soon. xo.

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  23. That is terrible dear, I am so sorry you had to go through that. All the internet hugs for you <3

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  24. Hugs!! I had a similar accident when I first started driving (but with a cat) and I know how it feels. It totally sucks. IUnfortunately, accidents happen. It's lame but true. 'm so glad you were there for the poor thing and that your family was able to be there for you.

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  25. Aww, this breaks my heart. I'm so sorry, Kaelah. I was in the car with my father when he hit my friend's neighbor's dog (and luckily, the dog was okay.) It's really traumatic; I have a little cat at home, and the thought of anything happening to her kills me. That's the kind of guilt that eats away at you, and to be sick on top of it? Horrible. Sending hugs and love your way; you did the right thing by waiting to find someone who knew the owners. You give me hope...I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who would've kept on driving. Feel better. <3

    - Samantha
    http://samlovesmakeup.wordpress.com

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  26. "Women are never so strong as after their defeat." -Alexander Dumas

    Hang in there, girl. You got this.
    <3

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  27. I'm so sorry. You just have to understand that it was NOT your fault. If there was any possible way for you to avoid that situation, you would have done it. But there was no other way. It sucks, and it happened, but it was an accident. You did the right thing by stopping, but that's all you could have done. You have to wonder WHY the dog was out roaming in the first place? Not that I'm trying to shame how people raise their pets, but my dog is NEVER outside unsupervised, so you are the last person that should be blamed for that poor dog being in the road. It's not your fault!

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  28. Oh my gosh, wow I'm so sorry to hear what happened. I had a similar experience where I was in a friend's car and he ran over a cat just hours before a final exam way back in my college days. I still think about it from time to time and how shocked we both were going into the exam and feeling AWFUL for the following weeks.

    I feel like you did the best that you could in the situation. Some people don't even stop to look for the owner of an animal that gets hit. Sending lots of hugs your way!!

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  29. Oh no Kaelah, I'm so sorry about this. I know it's near impossible but you can't blame yourself, it couldn't have been helped, and the fact that you not only went back and did your best to get help, but you're also going to call the family, shows that you're such a good person and you've done all that you can. And what a wonderful family you have, you're all lucky to have each other!

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  30. I am so, so sorry that happened. I hit my first animal last summer -- a baby raccoon. A mother raccoon and her babies crossed right in front of my car, and I had absolutely no time to avoid it, although I braked and tried to swerve. I'm not positive that I hit it because I couldn't look, and when I came back later, it wasn't there. It wasn't a pet, but I was devastated and cried my eyes out. I know you must feel horrible, but accidents happen. Plus you've been sick and busy and stressed, so take some time for yourself. Snuggle with Toby, go out to dinner, watch a movie. Your readers aren't going anywhere, and we definitely don't want you to feel like you owe us anything if your emotional and physical well-being is at stake.

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  31. I'm so sorry this happened! It wasn't your fault and accidents happen. My father once had to chose out safety over killing a deer and its rough. Your son sounds like the sweetest boy alive, and your family seems truly supportive. I hope you feel better soon :)

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  32. I'm so sorry! I hit a cat once on a similarly windy country road, though it was during the day time. The cat just ran right in front of me, I had no time to even register what happened before I hit it. I was a basket case, crying hysterically on the side of the road, and all I kept thinking was that I just killed someone's beloved pet. It sounds like you're a cautious driver, and it was just one of those unfortunate things that happens. Don't beat yourself up about it, I'm sure the family will understand that it was not your fault, and I know they will appreciate you giving them a call.

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  33. Ok I've blown my nose and wiped my tears after reading your post. I am so sorry this happened to you. I know there's probably nothing any of us can say to make it better. You have such a big heart and that's a wonderful thing but it means it can hurt big too. I have the same big heart for animals so I can only guess how you're feeling. For heaven's sake I cry when I see a homeless person sleeping on the street with a dog. I'm more worried that the doggy has food and a safe place to stay than the person, is that terrible? Love your fur babies extra this week, enjoy the moments with that little boy who calls you mom and just take it one day at a time.

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  34. Oh honey!! *HUGE hugs* Just remember that it's not at all your fault. ♥ Hang in there.

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  35. Oh Miss K that's awful! That is a terrible situation for everyone involved. It's wonderful that you have such a caring heart and the family that owned the dog know that even what bad things happen someone cared about him rather than just leaving him by the side of the road. Take care of your heart.

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  36. Oh my goodness, you poor thing! What an awful, awful thing, especially for someone who loves animals. I would feel the exact same way you do right now. It's good to let the small stuff roll off your back, but you had an awful week and sometimes you just have to let that affect you how it's going to naturally, and just feel the way you do until you don't feel that way anymore. I know your family must be giving you lots of hugs, and I'm sending one your way, too!!

    xox Sammi
    www.thesoubrettebrunette.blogspot.com

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  37. What a horrible thing to experience. I can tell from only reading you for a short time what a lover of life and animals you are. One of ours was hit by a car. It is a sad thing. I think it's courageous of you to call the owners. I hope your heart hurts less soon. And things turn around.

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  38. I'm so sorry you had such a rough weekend. I know I would be a complete mess if this happened to me. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself. It definitely wasn't your fault and as hard as it is to accept, sometimes these things really do just happen. I hope your week gets better! xo

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  39. Oh Kaelah, I know EXACTLY how you feel! Last month I had one of those horrible days where my youngest daughter Lucy fell out of our front door, over a baby gate, and had to be rushed to the Dr. for her terribly scary injuries. That same day, on the way to pick up my oldest Violet from school, I also hit someone's dog! I immediately stopped the car and burst into tears. The owners of the dog saw me hit their pet Boston Terrier and didn't blame me, but I was shaking and crying for the rest of the evening. It was one of those no good days. You know that I am also a pet lover, and seriously it haunted me for about a week. But now a few months out, I don't think about it as much. I hope that your load gets lighter, lady!

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  40. hmmm. I wrote a really long comment but it didn't show up!

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  41. I'm so sorry to hear about your accident. Unfortunately that's just what it was, an accident. I live off of country roads too and they are not easy to drive on, no matter how focused you are. I'm sure the family of the dog would be extremely appreciative if you called them. I hope your week goes better. Just try to get through each day and push your worries until tomorrow and then tomorrow after that. Good luck honey! We'll all be here for you.

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  42. Oh darlin, I'm so sorry! While this situation is so incredibly sad, it shows how big your heart is to not only pull over and check on the dog, but to ensure that someone was there to help him. So many people, (as the other drivers exemplify,) wouldn't have stopped. It speaks to the type of person that you are that you did. Hang in there girl, we love ya.

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  43. Oh Kaelah. What an awful thing to go through.
    I know it's hard, but you can't blame yourself
    There is nothing you could have done
    Hugs

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  44. Kaelah, you poor sweet girl! I know how bad that hurts, being an animal lover- this happened to me too, years ago. It's tragic and totally not your fault but I know how hard it is. You are the best mama and pet mama. Please be kind to yourself and know you're allowed to feel grief. Hang in there. I'll give my kitties a hug for you and am keeping you in my thoughts today. xoxoxoxox

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  45. That is so hard, Kaelah. I would have been an absolute MESS too.

    We have too many hit dog stories, but luckily we haven't hit one ourselves. My husband once sped 90 miles an hour to try to get a dog that got hit to an emergency vet, but it died on the way there. One other time we were driving together and same thing, all of a sudden there was a brown dog standing in the road staring at us. Blaine swerved and almost rolled our car. When we turned around to get him someone else had hit and killed him in the less than a minute it took us to get back there. One other time I was on the freeway and saw 2 small dogs playing in the fast lane. My heart skipped a beat and before I could even react a bus had run over one of the dogs less than 10 feet in front of me. I kept replaying it in my head, over and over. I was hysterical and cried the rest of the way home. It took my mom screaming at me to not pull over and run into the middle of the freeway to get them.

    Thank you for being the type of person who cares enough to stop, a lot of people wouldn't. Sorry you had to go through that, lady.

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  46. Oh, I'm so, so sorry that your week has been so horrible! Lots of hugs and love, and I hope that the stress goes away soon!
    xo
    Kristina

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  47. Oh sweetie, *hugs* It wasn't your fault and I'm glad you are the kind of person who would stop. Hang in there.

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  48. sending love your way - you're an awesome woman and mama and i'm sure that your love for your own pets make this experience even more traumatic. it's a good reminder to snuggle extra close (and watch cartoons) with the ones you love most.
    xo,

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  49. Kaelah, I am so sorry you had such an awful weekend! I know it's hard to see now, but none of that was your fault. It breaks my heart to see how upset you are, and I hope everything starts looking up for you this week! Hang in there, lady!
    xo
    Steph

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  50. Oh Kaelah, I am SO sorry to hear this. I can't even imagine. I know you've probably heard this a million times but it was definitely not your fault and sometimes life just is NOT fair. Saturday was a clear example of that! I'm so sorry about the guilt you're feeling but I'm so glad you were still able to have a happy Mother's Day. Toby is lucky to have you. Imagine how many people hit animals and just keep on driving! You are golden and have a big heart.

    Sending hugs to you!

    xoxoxoxoxo

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  51. Oh sweety, I can't even imagine what you are going through. I'm sending all my love and strength your way. xox

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  52. oh my gosh! i am so sorry. SO sorry. my dog drama was not near as heart wrenching as this must have been. you are a GOOD person and sometimes crap like this happens. it makes me angry when dogs are able to escape or get left outside. people need to realize that this effects more than just their pet. :(

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  53. I'm so sad this happened -- to you, the dog, the dog's family -- it's just one of those moments in life where all we can do is accept what has happened and try to move on. (Easier said than done.) I've had a really tough week as well, though a completely different situation. I got really bad news, and although the bad news was the result of a mistake I made, I did so completely unknowingly. I was so sad for days, having bouts of crying and feeling so sorry for myself, but all the people around me were kind and supportive. And ultimately, life is slowly working itself out. The universe has a way of taking these awful moments and turning them into something that perhaps we can learn from. My condolences. I hope you feel better, soon.

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  54. That must have been really awful, hope you feel better.

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  55. Lots of love. I know this must be really hard to deal with but please know that you obviously have a very deep heart and would never want something like this to happen. Try to forgive yourself and keep putting love out into the world. <3

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  56. Oh no. I'm so sorry this happened to you and the poor dog. I can't even imagine being in your situation. You did everything you could though, and I'm sure with time the shock will go away. Sometimes bad things just happen no matter how prepared or careful you are. I hope you start to feel closure about this soon.

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HEY! Thanks for dropping by. xo KB