someday we will go...

someday we will go
pack up all we know
climb inside
go for a ride
nothing left to hide...
-hundred little reasons

i've been doing a lot of driving lately. and when you drive solo, you tend to think. a lot. overthink. at least i do. i've also been spending a lot of time with old friends from way-back-when. it's amazing to think how much my life has changed in the past 8 months. how much i've changed myself. things are definitely different, and i've feel like i've been to hell and back again, but honestly i think all of it was for the best. i've learned so much in the past 8 months. vital life lessons to say the least. i've had multiple people tell me they like me better now than before. then i think about that i grow slightly self-concious. "was i really THAT bad?!" we're all headed for improvement.

but i find myself to be much more optimistic about situations. i no longer feel the need to whine and complain 24/7... i just accept the fact that this is just how life is and it is sure to get better.

everything will be okay in the end.
if it's not okay, it's not the end.

i've been much more open to trying new things. i tried mushrooms the other day and loved them. (the actual food, not the psychadellic kind!) baby steps, sure. but in light of everything that has happened to me (new york city, bust magazine, new friends, adventures and road trips), i feel so incredibly blessed. sure, those things are awesome when you've got a 24/7 sidekick with you to experience them all. i'll definitely never forget the many trips adam and i took to california together. over the 2 year span of our relationship we went 4 times. every 6 months. i was able to see my best friend, jessica! i fell in love with the bay area. i rode an airplane for the first time! (amazing to think that was just a little over 3 years ago!) i'll definitely be one to return to aptos in santa cruz. seacliff and rio del mar beach. the boardwalk. capitola. to go see the seals. with or without adam. with or without someone new. just because we close chapters in our life does not mean that the book is over. far from over, my friends.

when i think of trying to find that new "someone", its hard to stomach that we're not all destined for the same sequence of events. people i know who are 19 are getting married, my own first best friend ever is merely 21, she has a 2 year old son, a husband, and she'll be the mother of a new baby girl come november. we're only a month apart! to think that some people younger than i have already donned the role of mother, wife, cook, structure-of-the-family is incredible! i know i'm not ready for that. i run from relationships that work. i find dating to be more awkward than it is rewarding. but at the same time i'm one of those all-or-nothing girls. if we're going to be together, lets be together. but i think thats because after being in such a long and serious relationship, i dont know anything else! i dont know how to ~casually date someone. i know the relationships when the dates are no longer awkward, when you wake up and you dont have a stitch of makeup on aside from the eyeliner thats smeared on your cheeks from sleeping. i know it when you're 100% comfortable with someone. and its hard to imagine getting back to that point with someone when even initially it took so long.

then theres the other end of the spectrum; people like my own mother. oh my word i can't even begin to describe how amazing this woman is. she IS wonder woman. she IS rosie the riveter. she's a self-sufficient machine. she's incredible. if you've been a follower of my LJ for any time you'll know she's hands down my best friend on the planet. but she didnt find her ~true love until she was 48. that was just last year! and they leave in less than 24 hours to road trip to Niagra Falls to spend their anniversary together and drive back down along the coast. to think that she had me when she was 27 years old, raised me until adulthood, and THEN finally met her match. she's had to go through so much alone but holy moly look at her! she's so fierce! i know i owe so much of who i am to that woman. i don't want anyone to pay my way, i dont want to be a housewife martha stewart. i want my ambitions and my dreams and my job. i want to work for what i have because thats exactly how my mother taught me.

pardon, this is getting very long-winded. i apologize. i guess i just get one my little rambles and i just go, go, go! i've just had so much floating around my head. 9 and a half months and i will be back in my city. new york is so far but it's where i've been taken. i assure my family that i cannot see myself raising a family there simply because i can't imagine having grown up anywhere other than the south. my children will appreciate sweet tea and cornbread (even though i hate it) and they'll have the same southern accent i do. then if their dreams take them to a bigger city, i'll let them go.

alis volat propriis
"she flies with her own wings"


1 comment:

  1. I'm always amazed at how alike we are! It must be the Aries in us!

    'when i think of trying to find that new "someone", its hard to stomach that we're not all destined for the same sequence of events.'

    I just wrote a post about that very topic. ( It's long, and you don't have to read it, but I wanted to share.


HEY! Thanks for dropping by. xo KB