// Pregnancy Diaries - v.3

The third trimester is a beast. There's no other way to say it. I was not really prepared for the emotional rollercoaster that came with these last few weeks. Up until this point this pregnancy has been pretty much a breeze. It's easy to look past the occasional "uncomfortable" moment when you compare it to just how awesome it is to experience this journey. But holy moly, y'all! The hormones! I can seriously just be sitting here doing nothing and break out into tears. If it makes me laugh, I'll cry. If it makes me sad, I'll cry. I've just been in a very heightened emotional state and I feel like I need to wear a big ol' disclaimer or warning on my belly so people just know to take me with a grain of salt as of late.

I know it can be a little "awkward" to publicly talk about crying and all that jazz, but you know what? It's real life. And right now it's a really big part of real life haha! Luckily after talking to several of my mama friends I've been reassured that the crazy hormonal fluctuations are totally normal and it's okay to take a bath mid-day just to sort of allow yourself a private and peaceful moment to cry. (Yep, those have been a staple lately...) And the real kicker? I have nothing to be upset over! I'm not sad or depressed or anything like that. I think it's just a mix of anxiety, fear, fatigue, etc. Everything is hitting my body all at once. It all feels so real but I'm trying to convince myself that I've got it all under control. Even some of my favorite songs from high school make me tear up uncontrollably. Unfortunately some short-temperedness has also come along. I'm trying to practice a lot of patience and not get too worked up over anything. Oh, mood swings! Gotta love 'em.

Lately I've been watching my blood pressure and being mindful of my general health. At my 32-week appointment I had a spike in my blood pressure and was then ordered to do some blood tests and a fun little thing they call the "24 hour urine." Yep... And it's exactly what it sounds like. You get to pee in a jug for 24 full hours! And keep it in your fridge! (I know, this post just got way too TMI. But again, it comes with the territory!) Despite being totally inconvenient and slightly embarrassing (I was convinced I was going to trip with it in my bag and spill it all over the place when I went back to the doctor... ha! Can you imagine?!), everything has checked out so far. I go back on Wednesday when I hit 34 weeks (!!!) so my doctor can say yay or nay on our Florida trip coming up on Friday. After we get back from Florida I'll go for a 36 week visit and get the news on whether or not I'm okay to go to Chicago for Susannah's wedding. Fingers crossed! I've been so stressed out and worried about the (terrifying) possibility of pre-eclampsia that I've totally made myself experience some phantom symptoms. I think I just need to remind myself that my body was meant to do this and that I don't have any reason to worry about the next 6 weeks. Y'all, this baby is going to be here any day now! Obviously I'm still working on the "calming down" part of it all...

In addition to the tidal wave of emotions taking over my body, I've also developed another fun little pregnancy symptom: The waddle. Oh the waddle! I can actually feel myself shift my entire body weight from one hip to the next as I walk. At this point I'm wondering when I'll just start rolling places haha And yes, random stranger in passing, I *am* sure there's only one in there... *eyeroll* haha

Everything at home has been smooth sailing though because luckily Toby is in hog heaven knowing that he gets to go to the beach for almost 2 weeks and that shortly after his baby brother will be here. It's basically all he can talk about at this point. We just have to make it through this work-week and we can unwind for a week and a half in the sun and sand. Bring it on!

Here's to hoping this little dude stays put until his due date, our vacation goes well, and I get to stand beside my best friend as she marries her long-time love. We've got a lot to look forward to in the coming weeks and I'm going to try and enjoy every single second of it. Sounds like a plan, right? Happy Monday! xo

// Pregnancy Diaries - v.2

Now I'm back to talk my way through another pregnancy post... you know, because I don't do that in every other post. Yesterday was a pretty big "medical" day for us and we had been on pins and needles for 2 full weeks leading up to it. When I went in for my 22 week appointment, my doctor told me that they had found choroid plexus cysts on the baby's brain. I had absolutely no idea what that meant, and she was trying to tell me not to worry, but my mind was going a million miles a minute trying to process the information. She said 1% of babies get them in utero, and most of the time they resolve themselves. But then she said they can be soft markers for Trisomy 18. Again, I didn't really know what that was off the top of my head, but I knew it didn't sound good. She said I shouldn't get worked up, but that she would give me a referral to Vanderbilt for a Level 2 ultrasound. I walked out into the waiting room to find Mike and Toby (since it was a routine checkup I let Mike entertain Toby outside) and as soon as we hit the sidewalk I broke down. I tried holding it together long enough to make the mad dash to the car and then I was basically hysterical. At this point Mike had no idea what was going on or why I was upset, so I started to explain it to him. I was trying to explain something I didn't even understand, so right then and there we started reading articles on CPCs and Trisomy 18. Uh, big mistake! CPCs in themselves are not really a huge deal. They're not birth defects and they don't cause any functional damage to the brain. But Trisomy 18 is no joke. And right then and there my heart broke into a million tiny pieces.

I kept reading and reading and reading, trying to reassure myself that our odds were good for a clean L2 scan because my doctor didn't mention any other signs of T18. I had to wait 2 days for a phone call with my referral and ultrasound date. That date was yesterday. It was a long, hard 15 days. We only told our parents and maybe 2 friends, because we didn't want to worry anyone unnecessarily. Those 2 weeks were spent reading every article on every corner of the internet just to try and prepare myself for something if it showed up. Which, you know, is kind of not the smartest thing to do in a heightened emotional state. I came across a forum of moms talking about CPCs and how everything checked out perfectly fine and their babies were happy and healthy. I cannot tell you how much reading those accounts helped. Typically I stay far, far away from mommy forums (because those places are WHOA!) but I kept clicking, page after page, soaking in reassurance from strangers who didn't even know I existed. 

my view at 24 weeks. hello baby!

Yesterday was our ultrasound appointment. We took Toby out of school for the day so he could go to the ultrasound with us and see his little brother for the first "real" time. We ran errands beforehand and I tried not to think too much about it. We showed up at the Vanderbilt Maternal and Fetal Clinic and I put on my big girl britches. Normally my ultrasounds take all of 10 minutes or so, but I was on the table for a solid 30 minutes this time. Mike and I would occasionally glance over to each other because we'd notice a note the ultrasound tech would write. At one point I saw her highlight several areas of the baby's brain and then label them "CP" (choroid plexus)... so I was convinced he had a half dozen cysts. Again, babies can be fine with multiple cysts, but the more there are the higher the likelihood of an abnormality like T18. I stared at the screen for the full half hour, watching every single turn the baby made and every little picture the tech took. I began to worry (again) and my heart was racing. Then the doctor came in... and she was lovely. She was so kind and she asked us questions. One of her first questions was "So how much do you know about why you're here and CPCs and Tri18?" and my only answer was "Entirely too much." (Seriously KB, stay away from Google!) She walked us through identifying features on the ultrasound and told us that in her professional opinion, she saw nothing else that would indicate T18. She reassured us that T18 comes with a multitude of other physical markers and our little guy looked perfect. At 1 pound 7 ounces, he was in the 44% percentile and looked as strong as could be. We said our thanks, gathered our things and headed out of the office.

baby's moses basket + rocker for our room

Mike cried in the elevator when he hugged me. He was so relieved. This was the news we had been hoping for! I sent off a few texts to my mom and friends letting them know that the baby checked out perfect, and then we were off to run more errands. 10 minutes later we're standing in the paint aisle in Lowes and I just lose it! I started crying in front of the drop cloths and telling Mike that my heart is just so full. It was such a delayed reaction but it felt so good to cry those tears, ya know? 

I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to experience pregnancy and then have doctors tell you the reality of T18 and your baby. My heart breaks knowing that anyone ever has to go through that. I said it yesterday on Instagram and I'll say it again: I don't take even one second of this experience for granted. I wish I could bottle up this amazing feeling and keep it with me forever because there's nothing like it. I would find myself playing the "What if" game too much when I'd think about the chances of a poor ultrasound. And I even questioned whether we should order our stroller before our appointment... But ultimately we decided that we obviously have to live our lives and hope for the best. So that's what we did. Even if we were told our baby had T18, it wouldn't change our course of action. We wouldn't terminate, and we would love him just the same. Even if we never got to bring him home. Our stroller was delivered while I was on the ultrasound table at Vanderbilt... Maybe it sounds silly to say but it felt like a sign and a good omen to come home to. Mike put it together last night while I had a long phone conversation with Susannah. I walked into the house to find it in the kitchen and my heart skipped 15 beats! I know a stroller is just a material item, but it all feels so real when we start seeing his little things put together. It's a sign that he'll be here in a few short months and we'll get to share moments with him in and around these things. I just hope this sweet little baby knows how much we love him. He has already taken over our hearts. 

baby's new wheels! and his sweet bassinet attachment.

This whole pregnancy thing is such an emotional rollercoaster. There are so many things you do in preparation, and making sure that the baby grows to be strong and healthy inside of you. But there are so many factors that are completely and totally out of your control. If anything the past several months has taught me that I can't micromanage every detail of every thing in life. We're so thankful for a good report and I knew this was something I wanted to share because it's been one of the only things on my heart lately. Thanks to everyone who left such kind words on the IG post I shared yesterday. Please know that every single comment was read and cherished. It feels amazing to have the support of so many people! xo

// Pregnancy Diaries - v.1

I've been wanting to write specifically about my pregnancy for a while now, but despite sitting on top of a handful of half-finished posts, I just haven't done it yet. To be honest it still feels so surreal. I haven't felt Baby Flynn kick yet, though I'm sure that'll bring ~*ALL THE FEELZ. Right now the only obvious sign of this bun in the oven is my ever-growing midsection (plus insatiable appetite and chronic fatigue!) I'm at 18.5 weeks now... almost halfway there, yet it feels like it hasn't even started yet.

I've spent a lot of time daydreaming about being pregnant. What if wear and how I'd look. Wondering if I'd read or sing to the baby. Actually being pregnant has been a new experience in and of itself. Those "preparation" books don't tell you about feeling totally awkward the entire time! Is that just me?! I mean, I know there's a baby in there and all, but how am I supposed to not feel slightly silly talking to my belly?! Haha and looking cute?! Please! I hardly have the energy to even entertain that thought.

My absence on the blog for December and January was incredibly obvious, but man I couldn't even manage to get off the couch most days! Aside from battling some not-so-fun nausea, I didn't throw up the first time. (Huzzah! Throwing up is my "first worst"... I'm like Jerry Seinfeld because I keep up with how long it's been. 3 years, 7 weeks. Thank you very much). The fatigue was (and still is) pretty awful though. I let so much slide in those 2 months. I've been playing a mad game of catch up ever since. But without a doubt the hardest part of the first trimester was the anxiety. I know I'm ultra hormonal and all, but rarely did a day pass where I didn't just cry out of absolute fear. Fear that something unexplainable would happen at any moment (I still fear this... and even if I have a healthy, happy pregnancy (and baby), I'm sure that fear won't go away.) It's not something I've told many people before, but my #1 fear in life is that I couldn't/wouldn't be able to have children. So when I saw those (four! Because apparently I didn't believe the first three...) positive pregnancy tests, I almost let my fear overshadow my excitement.

So many of my friends have experienced such profound losses. Whether it was loss during pregnancy or just trouble conceiving, my heart aches for them. And such a large part of me felt guilty when I found out we were expecting. I wasn't sure how to celebrate our news without feeling like a traitor of sorts. I know no one can be blamed for these sorts of things, and I truly do know what a blessing a pregnancy is (especially a healthy one thus far). I guess part of me will always hurt for those I hold near and dear. I'm not even sure this was a complete thought. Do y'all at least get what I mean?

Lately, as my belly grows, I've found myself sort of "cradling" it with my hands. Mike and I were walking into a store the other day and he made a silly quip about it, but that's when it became apparent to me. It's almost like I'm trying to protect it or something. Like most pregnant women, I'm hyper aware of buggies, cars, and other shoppers. But not only that, but I'm also starting to feel that "connection" with the baby. Like HELLO! There's an actual human *growing* inside of me right now! It's so totally bizarre and animalistic. It's amazing, but brain boggling. I don't even notice that I'm doing it most of the time, but chances are if you see me out and about I've got my hands all over my belly. I want to make sure I don't miss any movement or any "time" touching the baby. Is that totally silly?! Haha

I've started living in jeggings and maternity v-necks because then I actually get to look (and feel) pregnant. The dresses of mine that still fit just make me look like I've chowed down at a Mexican buffet haha I know I'll probably grow tired of it down the line, but right now it's fun when people notice. (Though the few unsolicited and slight rude comments I've received could have been done without!) the good with the bad I guess. I'm sure I'll balloon up before long, but the "looking pregnant" part is so fun for right now!

Just thinking about my pregnancy being half over total spins my head. There's so much I want to say and share, but I've made sure to tread lightly thus far, assuring myself that I won't become a pregnancy/mommy blog. Still, I want to document these things, even if they're not the most relatable or popular across the board. Growing a new life is something each expectant mom experiences differently. I want to be able to look back on this for years to come. Plus it'll be funny to glance back at the insanely expensive baby stuff I was lusting after (but will never buy because, uh, too rich for my blood!) You should see my make-believe baby registry... it's stupid crazy. (A girl can dream!)

I definitely plan on going back and finishing the several posts I have in my drafts. Even if just to humor myself! Despite the occasional uncomfortable moment, I've absolutely loved being pregnant so far. It's so hard for me to fathom that I'm actually experiencing all of this first hand... Knowing that I'll have two precious boys to call my own (in just a few months!) is absolutely amazing. Hearing Toby talk about his baby brother makes me just well up!

Thanks for letting me share such personal parts of our lives here. I know I rarely shy away from "filler" content and things that'll appeal to the masses, but it's these honest, personal posts that make me love this space so much. It really is like having hundreds (thousands?!) of best friends. Yall are always so supportive!

PS; Does documenting your growing baby bump *ever* get old?! I have so much fun trying to notice the progress each and every day. It's hard not to post a photo every time haha! Sometimes it feels like the baby has doubled in size in a matter of hours, but that's probably just my big lunch talking...