Honest To Blog: Change Of Direction

I'm fickle. If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that. Not fickle about friends or relationships, or anything too major like that. But fickle when it comes to almost everything else. Seriously, it's my most annoying trait. My/our timeline, the end goal, the route we take, where I want to live, what I want to do as a full-time career, and most definitely about my clothing. Mike and I made it a priority to spend a decent chunk of time on our honeymoon just brainstorming and talking about where we wanted to take our little family in the future. Be it where we wantto settle down, what kind of house we hope to buy, how we intend on getting there, etc. It's been absolutely no secret that I've been the reason we move at the end of every lease. The 10-month itch starts and I'm like "let's go!" If you were to have asked me exactly what type of house/home environment I saw our family in just 6 months ago, I'd have told you exactly the one we are in. A small cottage, a small but quaint backyard, and basically right in the city. Now? Not so much. I feel like my (and dare I say our) priorities have shifted so much since having Toby full time (8 months already... what?!) and I feel like the shift really started to set in when we were on the brink of getting married. Maybe it's just because I'm a goal-oriented person and I like to set milestones, but I feel like getting married was like the very first page in a brand new book. Same characters from the last one, but a fresh beginning. Basically all I can think about is a big (moderately big at least) backyard, a house in a more rural setting, and maybe a barn or some sort of studio shed on the property. Something big enough for Toby (and hopefully future kidlets) to run around in and keep the dogs busy. Lately I've spent more time daydreaming about my home studio than I have about the interior of a storefront. (Which, in case you didn't know, is the one thing that my brain tends to obsess over...)

And even though I'm going to choke on my own scoffing, a brick and mortar storefront just doesn't seem to be the one thing at the very tip top of my priorities anymore, and by anymore I mean "right now". Don't get me wrong -- it's still WAY up there, and I still plan on working diligently on making it happen. It's definitely a dream of mine and I hope I don't outgrow it before it comes to fruition, but it's also not my driving force. I'm not sure that even makes any sense. Just admitting it is so scary. Like maybe I don't really mean it? But maybe I do? I'm not sure. I think more than anything I'm just finally becoming okay with the fact that it's not going to happen right this second, or even in the next year. Though it was certainly a huge (and lofty) goal of mine on my 24 before 25 list, my priorities have shifted to saving as much money as we can so we can find our dream home, wherever that may be. And also allowing ample time and energy to craft and explore every possible medium of creativity. If that means renting for several more years, so be it. I feel like I'm putting such a timestamp on everything and that's tough. Toby will be starting kindergarten in just under 2 years, and by then I'd really like to feel more "planted". In order to do that we have to save, save, save. I don't want to even entertain the thought of moving him from school to school while we rent and get the moving itch. A lot of our honeymoon talk time was spent talking about this. 

We have so much we hope to put into motion in the next few months. Be it related to this blog (you'll notice some subtle changes soon), our other businesses, our home life, whatever... we're ready to switch things up a bit. We're trying to find out what makes us the most efficient family we can be. We want Toby to get into sports if he'd like, or maybe put him in some music lessons if he's into it. Our daily schedules are going to get whipped into shape and things will have to be moved around. Our priorities now are a complete 180 from what they were this time last year. 

Sometimes I'm scared that I'm getting too old to change my mind on what I want to do. I know that's the most assinine thing to say, especially since I'm only 24. But it's true. I've had such a clear cut vision on what it is that I want to do with my life (and I still do), but I also want to do a lot more. I don't want to just own a shop. I want to create things with my hands, with a computer. I want to collaborate with people and try my hand at a million different things. It's not exactly the best business model, I know, but why can't I just form a new kind of model? (Rhetorical. The fact is that I know I can... it's just a bit scary). It's the age-old idiom of having my finger in too many pies, but realizing that I have ten fingers and ten pies sound tasty. I'm not even making any sense at this point.

This post really wasn't meant to be much more than a brain dump. I've had all of this so heavy on my mind the past few weeks/months, and I really hope we can move forward with our intentions. It's a scary situation to be in when you start feeling like you have to regress a step or two in order to catapult forward in the long run. Does that even make any sense? We're putting a few things on hold so we can really stretch the legs on other projects... and I'm hoping for the best. Readdressing and revaluating goals is something I'm trying to do more of. No sense in barking up the wrong tree, right? There's no shame in changing the direction. I just need to remember that. Any maybe even that is a little harsh. Rather than changing the entire direction, we're just switching up and taking the scenic route. Same end destination, but new journey.

Not only am I fickle, but I also overthink everything. I feel like I should employ someone to just constantly remind me that it's okay to just go with the flow. I mean, I guess I kind of do... my husband. (what what?!) Anyone else ever felt this way? How do you deal? Also - am I crazy? Or is this normal?

PS; Every time I say my "husband" I'll probably reference it in a similar fashion to "what what?!" or "omg srsly". It's still so fresh and new and weird. And awesome. I'm relishing in it, okay?!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Honest To Blog is a sporadic free-writing feature where I share whatever is on my mind. No edits, no filters. Just unapologetic, sometimes offensive, always truthful thought. Click HERE to read all of the past posts in this feature (and please don't hold them against me! :P)

This Little Life of Mine

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The past week has been nothing short of amazing, wonderful, awesome and exhausting. (And maybe a wee bit unproductive on the design front!) I can't help but think the stars really aligned on this one and our life just seems to be falling into place. I'm going to abide by my friend Marissa's advice and just ride it out. Take it for everything it's worth and really really enjoy it. I have a feeling that fridge up there in the 8th row is going to become completely covered in StickyGrams of my two boys... they really are the most perfect things in my world (can't forget my little fluffy-butts too!)

Yesterday I went and had my left shin tattooed. Finally finished with the traditional portraits on the front of my legs... time to move onto another spot! Afterward I came home to do some work and bake some yummy chocolate chip cookie dough pies for Marissa and Kayce, who came over last night with some champagne and St. Germaine (How I've never had St. Germaine I will never know, but it was delicious!) So sweet of them to bring us housewarming cocktails and to sit out on the front porch for a couple of hours chatting. They're new moms (7 months and 5 months respectively) of sweet lil' boys and it felt so surreal to be talking about parent-things! haha They are total gems though. So thankful for them!

Last night Toby opened the front door long enough for Enid to slip out in a scurry. She's still missing and it's breaking my heart. She was a stray before our friend Rhonda took her in, and she hasn't been outside since we got her (mid-December). I was terrified she'd get out and run off but of course I never put her tags on her. I left food and treats on the front porch in hopes she'd come home. It came a pretty ridiculous storm this morning (full on mega hail and all!) around 5:30am and I was so worried she might be scared. Her treats were gone and a little bit of food eaten, so I'm slightly hopeful she might come back. I'm putting up posts on Craigslist, the East Nashville ListServ and all that jazz in hopes that we find her! She's become such a huge part of this household. 

Today they're calling for "the storm of the century" in Nashville. I think the meteorologists like to tack exaggerated names to fronts that move through but if this morning was any indication of what's to come, we better be prepared. It seems like all of the city is in a tizzy. The worst part is supposed to move through exactly when I get on the road for my hour long drive to work (and also on the hour long drive home!) so I haven't exactly worked out how that's going to go down yet. 

Mike has been wanting to pick up his blog again, so he's entertaining the thought of having a "life + style" blog, too, including Toby + Dad outfit posts! How cute would that be?! I really hope he goes through with it because it just sounds fantastic. (He may need some encouraging though!)

Anywhoo -- I guess that about does it for my little life update! The sweet comments, emails, tweets, etc are still pouring in in regards to Toby, so thank you thank you thank you! It means the world to us!

What are y'all getting into this weekend?

PS; You can still get my PR + Marketing Ebook on sale with the code CUTOUT! There's another promotion running via thanks to the gals at Cut Out + Keep so snag it up if you'd like! xo

Our Big News: Mom-Mode.

I've been hinting at some "news" for the past week that I've been eager to share with y'all. It wasn't until yesterday that we felt we were in a place that we could actually speak freely about the situation. A couple of close friends knew what was going, and of course our family, but everyone else was left in the dark. To finally spoil the surprise for you... we now have custody of Mike's 3 year old son, Toby! We are over the moon excited about it! Things started falling in place on Friday, much much sooner than we expected. We weren't expecting to bring him home with us until today, but we found ourselves in front of a judge on Friday and we were so very tickled to bring him back with us (after a few hours at Chuck E. Cheese, of course!)

Many of you were readers back when Toby would visit us every other weekend, and you may remember seeing him make some guest appearances on my blog as a wee lil' lad! I haven't written about him in a long time because things weren't going very well. We weren't able to see him for a long time and it really did break our hearts. We weren't sure we were going to ever see him again, so when we got the call saying we may be able to have him come live with us we were pretty stoked. And stressed. So many people have asked me (both politely, and not so) about Toby since his last mention on the blog, and eventually I stopped responding to anything regarding the situation. It quickly became one of my "no go topics," meaning I didn't speak of it... well... ever. We decided to keep that part of our life private. It was a painful thing to go through for both of us and we didn't need to air any dirty laundry. 

I won't go into details about how or why this situation came to be. Honestly it isn't a happy story in terms of the details. It's also not my story to tell. What I will say is that although we were caught completely off guard, no kids clothes, carseat, or bed/room for him, we are making the most of it and we're making it work!

I was able to take off of work on Friday to spend time with Mike and Toby, helping him get acquainted with our new house. The timing is quite amazing honestly. We had no idea something like this could/would happen when we decided to move and get a house, but it's almost like fate. We got the first phone call over a week and a half ago... just 2 days after we moved in. Since getting him on Friday we've bought (and built!) Toby a bed, in his very own room, and acquired lots of fun, educational toys and cute button-up shirts to match Dad's. He's 3! He's talking, trying to potty train, and he's basically a big kid now. It's incredible. 

We know we are able to provide him with a stable and caring environment, full of love and laughter. Lots of cuddles and bedtime stories, too. Trips to the zoo, museums, aquariums and the Adventure Science Center! We're going to be able to help him grow and learn, and basically mold him into a stellar member of society. Like I mentioned above, we're both elated and positively terrified... but this is our new life! I don't know the first thing about kids but step-momma mode has to kick in and make it work! We're really excited to see what the future holds for our little family!

Long gone are the solo coffee date nights Mike and I had daily, and the jetting off on random roadtrips for a week or more. Here come the sick days, naptimes, and endless changes of clothes thanks to little man's insatiable desire to wipe his mouth on his shirt sleeves. We're trading daily NCIS marathons for Power Rangers and Dora the Explorer (and currently on our tv: Toy Story 3). Kind of sounds like a fair trade to me! 

I didn't feel right not sharing this part of our lives on here simply because it is just that: our life. The biggest part of it. We're having to push some stuff around and give up a little free time and productivity, but he's our top priority. I apologize to everyone waiting to hear from me about blog designs and Honeybean designers... I promise they're coming! This sort of hit us all of a sudden and I still don't think we've quite caught up. The past 72 hours have been so totally crazy and exhausting. I guess we better get used to that!

With that being said, I'll be taking on slightly fewer design clients per month, simply so my clients are able to get the best experience and treatment possible. Every few minutes he's hungry or needs changing or wants to play with his blocks of flash cards... I can't help but step away and partake with him and Mike. I knew I really really wanted kids with Mike... and I won't lie, I've had baby fever for a while now! But the past few days have done nothing short of solidify that feeling... like we're the perfect team to raise a kid. I guess we'll hold off on baby makin' for a little bit, just to ensure Toby gets lots and lots of attention, and that we retain our sanity. But I know he'll make the very best big brother.

When sharing Toby in the past, I received a few not-so-nice comments saying things like "You'll never be his mother" and "You're not his step mom" etc. Whether Toby is my biological son or not, I will (and do) love him with every fiber of my being. I will always treat him just as if he were my own flesh and blood. Nothing will ever change that. I don't know what it's like for other people to all of a sudden come in possession of a 3 year old toddler, but I just know we're going to do the best we can. And that we're excited. That's really what he needs right now. (The best part? He's totally into us decorating his room in sharks! Thatta boy!) Whether he's with us for the next 15 years, 3 years, or 3 months... we're going to cherish every moment we have. I'm excited to share this new chapter of our lives with all of y'all. Thanks for sticking around <3